I haven't felt like blogging until today. I've been so focused on recovery that I haven't had the energy to write down what I've been going through since surgery.
Surgery was successful. The hysterectomy was performed first. The endometriosis was pretty bad in my uterus, cervix and on my pelvic wall. My uterus and most of my cervix were removed; my ovaries were in good health so I was able to keep both of them. The surgery was done laproscopically which has been a godsend as I can't imagine what recovery would be like if I had to deal with a large abdominal incision.
Chest surgery was also very successful. My surgeon was able to remove all of the breast tissue and perform what appears to be successful nipple grafts. She is an excellent surgeon and a wonderful person, and I feel very lucky to have had her as my surgeon. Everything -- incisions, grafts, stitches, etc. -- are very neat and symmetrical, and I am thrilled with the results of my chest surgery. All that remains is some body fat in the chest and armpit area, which sadly is consistent and proportional to the rest of my body, so my chest looks natural for my body type. My doctor says that with weight loss these areas will shrink and that the skin should retract as well, so I will not be left with "man boobs."
I have been to see my chest surgeon 3 times already, and I go again tomorrow, but then I won't have to see her for a week. The drains were removed this past Monday. It was extremely painful for about 10-15 seconds, but the pain subsided quickly once each drain was removed. The gauze strips have all been removed as have the antibiotic material covering my nipples. Yesterday my doctor removed the few external stitches that had been put in place. I still have to put an antibiotic gauze and tape over my nipples as they continue to heal. Yesterday my doctor told me that the circulation is returning to my nipples and that all signs show that they will survive, so that is exciting.
My chest is still pretty gnarly looking. It is very red, and there are still some places where there is some drainage/leakage from incisions. My nipples are downright gross, but that will begin to change soon enough. I have to wear a compression vest for a few more weeks to give my tissue and the little bruising and swelling that I have added support. I feel very vulnerable without it on at this point so I am not too upset that I have to wear it. Pain and discomfort in my chest has increased this past week. My doctor says it is because the nerve endings are starting to wake up. It is enough to keep me from moving too much and from using my arms too much.
I stayed in the hospital for one night. Despite being given anti-nausea medication with the anesthesia, I awoke from surgery extremely nauseous and in a considerable amount of pain. I just wasn't up to going home. I woke up easily out of anesthesia. I was still in the OR when I heard my name being called. I heard my chest surgeon's voice and breathed a quick sigh of relief, knowing that the chest surgery had happened. My next words were "I don't feel good" and they began administering nausea and pain medications in the recovery area. Because anti-inflammatory medications interfere with the healing of my chest, I cannot take them and thus am not receiving optimal pain management which is quite unfortunate. I was taken to a private room on the oncology ward at around 6pm and was able to see my mom and my wife soon after. They got me up for the first time at around 8:30pm, and that was quite the ordeal as I was in a lot of pain. I slept on and off throughout the night and had some really great conversations with my nurses at one point. They were all terrific! In the morning they got me up to walk around the unit several times. Both of my doctors stopped by to see me and fill out discharge paperwork, and I believe I was home by noon.
I probably felt my best that first day post-op. I was on so many pain meds I don't think I really knew the world I was in. The next few days were very challenging as I experienced a great deal of pain from the hysterectomy, particularly from the largest of the 3 incisions and the corresponding internal area. For the first week I had very little pain or discomfort in my chest, maybe because the pain in my pelvis was so extreme and maybe because of all of the vicodin, or maybe both. My first time out of the house was the Friday after surgery when I went to St. Johns to see my chest surgeon. The car ride was terrible as was getting in and out of the car and walking in general. I didn't go anywhere over the weekend and left again on Monday to get my drains removed.
I think these past few days I have done too much. Just because the pain is decreasing and I am feeling less fatigued does not mean I should overdo it. Tuesday I had an appointment with my therapist, and then Mom and I went to the pharmacy, to the grocery store, to the Culver City farmer's market and to a cafe to pick up dinner. It was too much and I was exhausted on Wednesday. Thursday I had an appointment with my chest surgeon, and Mom and I went to Target afterwards. I thought to myself, "How hard can it be to walk through Target?" We sat on the 10 for a good 30 minutes in traffic which was very uncomfortable for me, as riding in the car is proving to be no good for my pain. And then being in Target on those hard concrete floors just got the best of me. I started experiencing a lot of pain and was having difficulty walking. I spent all evening Thursday in considerable pain and discomfort. At 4am I called my therapist to cancel my appointment for today, Friday, so that I could sleep in and continue to recover from over exerting myself. I have been doing all of this over exertion while going off of vicodin. So now I am laying low and am back on the vicodin.
Tomorrow I see my chest surgeon in the morning and then if I am up to it Mom and I and maybe my wife will go to eat lunch at a cafe and visit a baby store down the street to shop for my soon to be born niece or nephew. We will have to play it by ear and see how I am feeling after my appointment. My dad lectured me last night about over doing it, and I know that he is right, so I have to listen to my body and act accordingly.
My wife and my mom have been totally amazing in supporting me through recovery. Because my wife is working so much this summer, it was crucial that my mom come out to help me post-op. It has been a godsend. She is on top of my meds, she wakes me up during the night to get out of bed and walk around so my back doesn't get too tight, she takes me on walks, she helps me bathe and shower, she cooks for me and does the laundry and dishes, she helps me in the bathroom since I am so limited in mobility. Most of all, she loves me unconditionally and supports my decision to have these surgeries and is going out of her way to help me recover from them. We have had many honest conversations since she arrived in LA last Saturday, and I feel closer to her than I have in a really long time. I feel like she knows me and gets me, and the fact that she loves me even more because of it means the world to me. I hate that my dad has not been able to participate in this bonding and understanding, but I know my mom will convey to him much of what she and I have shared together.
On Tuesday when we were driving to my therapy appointment, my mom said out of the blue that I seem so happy and that I seem like myself again. I couldn't agree more, and I don't ever want to go back to the dark and unhappy times. I am known now, and it is so freeing. My body is something I have come home to, and I feel comfortable in it once again. It is a truly grand feeling.
I have spent a lot of time in front of the mirror, naked and vulnerable but loving what I am seeing. When I shower and take off my compression vest, I study my new chest carefully in the mirror. I turn to the side, turn back to the front, and repeat. It looks so incredibly natural to me; it looks like how I was supposed to have looked all these years that I had breasts. It is my chest, and it is me. Despite the fat and the rolls, I love my body now. My mind and my body are finally aligned. If you ever come across me, for now anyway, until I lose weight, feel free to rub my buddha belly for good luck, because it certainly stands out now that I have a flat chest :) But that is okay, because when I put on a t-shirt, I love what I see.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Gynecological Pre-Op Appointment
I had my pre-op with my gynecologist first thing this morning. It went really well. I think my doctor is a total rock star and I trust her 110%, and I told her this. It feels so good to feel so secure and safe about my surgeon!
She fully intends to perform the surgery laproscopically, but we discussed the multitude of reasons as to why she would have to open me up abdominally. She would love to keep both of my ovaries in me but knows that one may be destroyed by the endometrioma and that she may have to remove it. The worst case scenario is that she would have to remove both ovaries but she does not think this is likely. Endometriosis can spread to other organs, so she will have to check my bladder, bowel, appendix, etc. and would make repairs if necessary.
She hopes that if I have the surgery done laproscopically that I can go home that evening, but if it is done abdominally I will have to stay in the hospital for 2 days. So I will go prepared to stay when I leave the house Tuesday morning, and hopefully that will mean that I don't have to stay!
I am having the hysterectomy first since it is medically necessary, and I emphasized how important it is that the chest surgery happen. She said it is highly unlikely that anything would keep the chest surgery from happening. The most likely reason would be excessive bleeding, but she has no intention of letting her part of the surgery get to that. I feel more confident that I don't have to worry about the chest surgery not happening, but I won't be able to rest until I wake up from surgery and feel my bandaged chest.
I may have to get some more bloodwork on Monday to check my clotting factors, but that is no big deal and I will be at the hospital anyway because I have my final pre-op appointment with my chest surgeon on Monday afternoon. The anesthesiologist will be calling me Monday evening to ask me questions and discuss his/her part of the surgery. I definitely have a set of questions for this doctor and will voice my fear of waking up during surgery and of being aware of the surgery. If I don't voice these concerns it will nag at me for sure!
My mom arrives late tomorrow morning, and I am very excited to see her. She is coming to the LA Pride parade on Sunday -- it will be her first Pride experience! I have a very long day ahead of me today as my department prepares for the Pride festival and parade. It has been a very long week! I work tomorrow evening and most of Sunday. Monday I have my pre-op appointment and a massage and some resting and relaxation to do. Tuesday is the big day, and right now I feel like it won't come soon enough!
She fully intends to perform the surgery laproscopically, but we discussed the multitude of reasons as to why she would have to open me up abdominally. She would love to keep both of my ovaries in me but knows that one may be destroyed by the endometrioma and that she may have to remove it. The worst case scenario is that she would have to remove both ovaries but she does not think this is likely. Endometriosis can spread to other organs, so she will have to check my bladder, bowel, appendix, etc. and would make repairs if necessary.
She hopes that if I have the surgery done laproscopically that I can go home that evening, but if it is done abdominally I will have to stay in the hospital for 2 days. So I will go prepared to stay when I leave the house Tuesday morning, and hopefully that will mean that I don't have to stay!
I am having the hysterectomy first since it is medically necessary, and I emphasized how important it is that the chest surgery happen. She said it is highly unlikely that anything would keep the chest surgery from happening. The most likely reason would be excessive bleeding, but she has no intention of letting her part of the surgery get to that. I feel more confident that I don't have to worry about the chest surgery not happening, but I won't be able to rest until I wake up from surgery and feel my bandaged chest.
I may have to get some more bloodwork on Monday to check my clotting factors, but that is no big deal and I will be at the hospital anyway because I have my final pre-op appointment with my chest surgeon on Monday afternoon. The anesthesiologist will be calling me Monday evening to ask me questions and discuss his/her part of the surgery. I definitely have a set of questions for this doctor and will voice my fear of waking up during surgery and of being aware of the surgery. If I don't voice these concerns it will nag at me for sure!
My mom arrives late tomorrow morning, and I am very excited to see her. She is coming to the LA Pride parade on Sunday -- it will be her first Pride experience! I have a very long day ahead of me today as my department prepares for the Pride festival and parade. It has been a very long week! I work tomorrow evening and most of Sunday. Monday I have my pre-op appointment and a massage and some resting and relaxation to do. Tuesday is the big day, and right now I feel like it won't come soon enough!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
The Verdict
I'm keeping my nipples. Well, actually, they are being cut off, resized and then grafted on to my new, flat chest. But I'm keeping them.
I am SO glad that my surgeon wanted me to come in for a face to face consultation. She now has a clear understanding of what I want from chest surgery and I have a clear understanding about technique and other specifics. This was a half hour well spent for both of us.
She had initially been considering doing what is called a pedicle procedure where the nipple/areola is kept attached to breast tissue on a pedicle of tissue, and then that is brought back together with the breast. This is common for women who undergo breast reduction, but in their cases they are keeping and want to be keeping breast tissue. What my surgeon is going to do is remove all breast tissue (YAY!) and graft the resized nipple/areola onto my chest. She totally understands that I am going for total flatness, and she completely respects this desire. She is confident that the grafted tissue will survive and that I will have a great looking chest post-op.
One of the biggest reasons I was considering not keeping my nipples was because I feared not being flat enough. So if I can keep my nipples and be totally flat, I'm into that. I think I am indifferent about my nipples, but when push comes to shove, I prefer having a natural looking chest, which to me means having nipples. My surgeon likened it to people who have hernia surgery. Often times it would be easier for the surgeon to take away the bellybutton, but they make every attempt to keep it and even to create a fake one so as to achieve a natural look. She said that people sometimes don't realize how attached they are to their bellybuttons, nipples and other parts until they are gone. I'm not saying that it is unnatural not to have nipples. I just prefer that my chest look natural, and all my life since puberty and growing breasts, I have visualized a flat chest with small nipples -- a man's chest if you will -- in my mind. If my nipples don't survive -- oh well! I just won't have nipples. But like I've said before, I only have one shot to do this, and this is how I'm choosing to do it. My surgeon said she is not looking at me on the gender spectrum, she is looking at me as a human being who will have a natural looking chest.
The grafted tissue will be stitched back on and will be pretty gross for a few weeks as the stitches heal and the tissue returns to a normal color. So there will be a lot of care involved in the healing of not just the large incisions but also of the nipple/areola area. I told my surgeon that if making larger incisions will mean better results that I am fine with that, and she said that is good information to know. Having scars does not scare me at all, and I'd rather have slightly bigger scars if it means better results. She also said that a lot of skin will be removed, and excess skin is usually what causes excess fluid to build up, so I will hopefully be able to get my drains out after about a week. She thinks that she can contour my chest so that it maintains a nice shape when I lose weight, which I fully plan on doing once I am healed and am able to start exercising.
I feel really great about my appointment. I brought a list of questions with me, and all questions were answered. She even answered some questions that I hadn't had a chance to ask yet! I feel confident that I am making the right decision and that the chest that I have post-op will be the one I have been dreaming of since the 4th grade when I first started growing breasts.
One funny thing about my appointment is that the whole time I stood and sat topless, and my surgeon rarely was making eye contact with me. She was talking to my breasts. It was so hilarious. I could literally see her artist's mind working and making notes. She probably knows exactly what my chest will look like already. She tried to make eye contact with me, but my breasts -- her future work -- were too powerful I guess :)
I thanked her before I left for using the informed consent approach to this surgery. Trans related surgeries and hormone treatments are usually governed by the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care, which basically means an individual needs a gatekeeper -- usually a therapist -- to acquire hormones and surgeries. The therapist has to write a letter saying they believe the person has Gender Identity Disorder and that surgery and/or hormones are necessary. My surgeon only required that I understand what I am doing and that I have thought it through thoroughly. I have a therapist, and believe me, she and I have discussed this through and through. But why should I as a well informed, healthy adult have to have someone else give me permission to do something to my own body?! I am thrilled that my surgeon and I have the relationship that we have around this and that she respects my decision to augment my breasts. True, I am totally removing them, but why would someone have to have a therapist's letter to remove their breasts and not have to have one to make their breasts a DDDD?!
That will be my nightmare the night before surgery -- that I wake up from surgery having had implants put in rather than having had my breasts removed. That is a truly frightening thought!
While I was at the hospital today I went ahead and paid the out of pocket charges for the chest surgery. That sure made it feel real! Money well spent is all I can say :) I am preregistered for my surgeries and have paid the out of pocket fees, so all I have to do is show up Tuesday morning, check in, probably have to sign this and that and then get some of those happy drugs that will make me forget all of my fears and anxieties, and before I know it I'll be post-op. I can't wait!
I am SO glad that my surgeon wanted me to come in for a face to face consultation. She now has a clear understanding of what I want from chest surgery and I have a clear understanding about technique and other specifics. This was a half hour well spent for both of us.
She had initially been considering doing what is called a pedicle procedure where the nipple/areola is kept attached to breast tissue on a pedicle of tissue, and then that is brought back together with the breast. This is common for women who undergo breast reduction, but in their cases they are keeping and want to be keeping breast tissue. What my surgeon is going to do is remove all breast tissue (YAY!) and graft the resized nipple/areola onto my chest. She totally understands that I am going for total flatness, and she completely respects this desire. She is confident that the grafted tissue will survive and that I will have a great looking chest post-op.
One of the biggest reasons I was considering not keeping my nipples was because I feared not being flat enough. So if I can keep my nipples and be totally flat, I'm into that. I think I am indifferent about my nipples, but when push comes to shove, I prefer having a natural looking chest, which to me means having nipples. My surgeon likened it to people who have hernia surgery. Often times it would be easier for the surgeon to take away the bellybutton, but they make every attempt to keep it and even to create a fake one so as to achieve a natural look. She said that people sometimes don't realize how attached they are to their bellybuttons, nipples and other parts until they are gone. I'm not saying that it is unnatural not to have nipples. I just prefer that my chest look natural, and all my life since puberty and growing breasts, I have visualized a flat chest with small nipples -- a man's chest if you will -- in my mind. If my nipples don't survive -- oh well! I just won't have nipples. But like I've said before, I only have one shot to do this, and this is how I'm choosing to do it. My surgeon said she is not looking at me on the gender spectrum, she is looking at me as a human being who will have a natural looking chest.
The grafted tissue will be stitched back on and will be pretty gross for a few weeks as the stitches heal and the tissue returns to a normal color. So there will be a lot of care involved in the healing of not just the large incisions but also of the nipple/areola area. I told my surgeon that if making larger incisions will mean better results that I am fine with that, and she said that is good information to know. Having scars does not scare me at all, and I'd rather have slightly bigger scars if it means better results. She also said that a lot of skin will be removed, and excess skin is usually what causes excess fluid to build up, so I will hopefully be able to get my drains out after about a week. She thinks that she can contour my chest so that it maintains a nice shape when I lose weight, which I fully plan on doing once I am healed and am able to start exercising.
I feel really great about my appointment. I brought a list of questions with me, and all questions were answered. She even answered some questions that I hadn't had a chance to ask yet! I feel confident that I am making the right decision and that the chest that I have post-op will be the one I have been dreaming of since the 4th grade when I first started growing breasts.
One funny thing about my appointment is that the whole time I stood and sat topless, and my surgeon rarely was making eye contact with me. She was talking to my breasts. It was so hilarious. I could literally see her artist's mind working and making notes. She probably knows exactly what my chest will look like already. She tried to make eye contact with me, but my breasts -- her future work -- were too powerful I guess :)
I thanked her before I left for using the informed consent approach to this surgery. Trans related surgeries and hormone treatments are usually governed by the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care, which basically means an individual needs a gatekeeper -- usually a therapist -- to acquire hormones and surgeries. The therapist has to write a letter saying they believe the person has Gender Identity Disorder and that surgery and/or hormones are necessary. My surgeon only required that I understand what I am doing and that I have thought it through thoroughly. I have a therapist, and believe me, she and I have discussed this through and through. But why should I as a well informed, healthy adult have to have someone else give me permission to do something to my own body?! I am thrilled that my surgeon and I have the relationship that we have around this and that she respects my decision to augment my breasts. True, I am totally removing them, but why would someone have to have a therapist's letter to remove their breasts and not have to have one to make their breasts a DDDD?!
That will be my nightmare the night before surgery -- that I wake up from surgery having had implants put in rather than having had my breasts removed. That is a truly frightening thought!
While I was at the hospital today I went ahead and paid the out of pocket charges for the chest surgery. That sure made it feel real! Money well spent is all I can say :) I am preregistered for my surgeries and have paid the out of pocket fees, so all I have to do is show up Tuesday morning, check in, probably have to sign this and that and then get some of those happy drugs that will make me forget all of my fears and anxieties, and before I know it I'll be post-op. I can't wait!
Monday, June 8, 2009
Pre-Op Week Has Begun
This morning I went in for my first pre-op appointment. This appointment was for my pre-op bloodwork. The tests are time sensitive so my results should already be to my doctor. No news is good news! I will feel less anxious once I know that everything came back normal and that bloodwork won't postpone my surgeries.
My pre pre-op appointment with my chest surgeon was moved from Thursday to Wednesday, and I am happy about that. It is one less day I have to wait to discuss the nipple situation and other details with my surgeon. I assume she will tell me then what the results of my bloodwork are, and I assume that if something were wrong they would contact me tomorrow.
Friday morning is my pre-op appointment with my gynecologist. I am looking forward to that as well. I have a list of 10 different questions for both my chest surgeon and my gynecologist. I would love to reach a decision with my doctor on Friday as to what kind of hysterectomy I am having, but being the good doctor that she is, she will probably really want to wait until surgery day when we're in the OR to make the decision. She will want to do the least invasive procedure possible that will give the best results.
One thing my wife and I are concerned about is the fact that I'm having my surgeries at a religious hospital. My wife is my power of attorney, and we worry based on past experiences that the hospital could give her trouble about making decisions for and about me since we are a same sex couple. Even though we are legally married in the state of California, people are still homophobic and bigoted, and we are preparing ourselves for the worst case scenario. I am giving my Advanced Health Care Directive to both of my surgeons as well as to the hospital, which should more than cover the bases. But we are considering bringing our actual marriage license with us to the hospital in case anyone challenges Rachel. It is disgusting that we even have to be worrying about this, but we have had problems at hospitals in the past, so we have to be prepared.
Time sure is flying by, though. The weekend came and went quickly, and my Monday work day has come to a close. I spent the afternoon painting and spray painting sign handles for the LA Pride parade, and I managed to get more of the white on myself than I did on the handles. Four more days of work plus LA Pride this weekend and it will be time for surgery! The rest of this week should fly by, and I will be so busy this weekend with my mom arriving and with Pride happening that it will surely fly by as well. My wife and I will pick up Mom from the airport late Saturday morning and then spend the afternoon with her. I have to work at 5pm Saturday and basically all day Sunday. Monday I have a massage scheduled, my pre-op appointment with my chest surgeon and hopefully a therapy session. It would be really nice to touch base with my therapist before the big day, because who knows when I will be up to seeing her again once I'm post-op.
My clear liquid diet starts Sunday morning. It will not be at all convenient since I'll be out at the Pride parade and festival all day, but I'll make it work. Monday I just want to go to my appointments, rest, do some laundry and pack for the hospital and maybe go to a knit store or two with my mom. I've been having such a hard time sleeping, I laugh at the idea of trying to sleep the night before surgery. But who knows -- I just might sleep like a baby that night. I need to focus more on trying to get some good R & R between now and then or I'm doomed!
The reality that I am one week away from surgery is sort of setting in. I keep saying to people that I know I'm going to get my ass kicked in a week. I believe and understand that intellectually, but emotionally I don't think I'm processing it. I am excited beyond words that I will be having a life changing surgery in one short week. I've been preparing logistically for months. I am as ready as I can be in that respect, but what about my spirit and emotions? I had a dream last night that I was at the hospital getting ready for surgery and they were preparing to begin surgery without giving me anesthesia. This is clearly connected to a fear I have of being half awake or of waking up during surgery. I spoke to my therapist today about my fears. One of my biggest fears is that I'm not processing the reality that I am having two major surgeries and will have one major recovery and that it will hit me as I'm being wheeled into the OR. I worry that I will be panic stricken and afraid the moments before surgery. I just want to feel peaceful and grateful that it is finally happening. It's hard to deal with reality when I am so unbelievably excited. The excitement seems to be keeping me from experiencing healthy fears now. I just have to believe that it will all happen the way it's supposed to happen, and in due time.
My pre pre-op appointment with my chest surgeon was moved from Thursday to Wednesday, and I am happy about that. It is one less day I have to wait to discuss the nipple situation and other details with my surgeon. I assume she will tell me then what the results of my bloodwork are, and I assume that if something were wrong they would contact me tomorrow.
Friday morning is my pre-op appointment with my gynecologist. I am looking forward to that as well. I have a list of 10 different questions for both my chest surgeon and my gynecologist. I would love to reach a decision with my doctor on Friday as to what kind of hysterectomy I am having, but being the good doctor that she is, she will probably really want to wait until surgery day when we're in the OR to make the decision. She will want to do the least invasive procedure possible that will give the best results.
One thing my wife and I are concerned about is the fact that I'm having my surgeries at a religious hospital. My wife is my power of attorney, and we worry based on past experiences that the hospital could give her trouble about making decisions for and about me since we are a same sex couple. Even though we are legally married in the state of California, people are still homophobic and bigoted, and we are preparing ourselves for the worst case scenario. I am giving my Advanced Health Care Directive to both of my surgeons as well as to the hospital, which should more than cover the bases. But we are considering bringing our actual marriage license with us to the hospital in case anyone challenges Rachel. It is disgusting that we even have to be worrying about this, but we have had problems at hospitals in the past, so we have to be prepared.
Time sure is flying by, though. The weekend came and went quickly, and my Monday work day has come to a close. I spent the afternoon painting and spray painting sign handles for the LA Pride parade, and I managed to get more of the white on myself than I did on the handles. Four more days of work plus LA Pride this weekend and it will be time for surgery! The rest of this week should fly by, and I will be so busy this weekend with my mom arriving and with Pride happening that it will surely fly by as well. My wife and I will pick up Mom from the airport late Saturday morning and then spend the afternoon with her. I have to work at 5pm Saturday and basically all day Sunday. Monday I have a massage scheduled, my pre-op appointment with my chest surgeon and hopefully a therapy session. It would be really nice to touch base with my therapist before the big day, because who knows when I will be up to seeing her again once I'm post-op.
My clear liquid diet starts Sunday morning. It will not be at all convenient since I'll be out at the Pride parade and festival all day, but I'll make it work. Monday I just want to go to my appointments, rest, do some laundry and pack for the hospital and maybe go to a knit store or two with my mom. I've been having such a hard time sleeping, I laugh at the idea of trying to sleep the night before surgery. But who knows -- I just might sleep like a baby that night. I need to focus more on trying to get some good R & R between now and then or I'm doomed!
The reality that I am one week away from surgery is sort of setting in. I keep saying to people that I know I'm going to get my ass kicked in a week. I believe and understand that intellectually, but emotionally I don't think I'm processing it. I am excited beyond words that I will be having a life changing surgery in one short week. I've been preparing logistically for months. I am as ready as I can be in that respect, but what about my spirit and emotions? I had a dream last night that I was at the hospital getting ready for surgery and they were preparing to begin surgery without giving me anesthesia. This is clearly connected to a fear I have of being half awake or of waking up during surgery. I spoke to my therapist today about my fears. One of my biggest fears is that I'm not processing the reality that I am having two major surgeries and will have one major recovery and that it will hit me as I'm being wheeled into the OR. I worry that I will be panic stricken and afraid the moments before surgery. I just want to feel peaceful and grateful that it is finally happening. It's hard to deal with reality when I am so unbelievably excited. The excitement seems to be keeping me from experiencing healthy fears now. I just have to believe that it will all happen the way it's supposed to happen, and in due time.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Nipple Pros & Cons
Let me preface this by saying that I never, ever make pros/cons lists. Ever.
Cons for keeping my nipples:
1. Even with all of the breast tissue removed, there is still a 3-5% chance that I could develop breast cancer if I keep my nipples.
2. My nipples could die, meaning they would scab up and gradually flake off.
3. My nipples could look unnatural.
4. My nipples could be slightly uneven which would drive me bonkers!
Pros for keeping my nipples:
1. I would look "normal."*
*as a dear friend recently told me, there is nothing normal about me, so "normal" is off the table.
Well, it looks like, according to my pros/cons list, I have reached a decision. I will go into my pre pre-op appointment with the intention of not keeping my nipples.
I actually feel a little bit better having written down what's been in my head. I will sit with it until next Thursday and see how it feels. The worst case scenario is that I end up changing my mind.
Cons for keeping my nipples:
1. Even with all of the breast tissue removed, there is still a 3-5% chance that I could develop breast cancer if I keep my nipples.
2. My nipples could die, meaning they would scab up and gradually flake off.
3. My nipples could look unnatural.
4. My nipples could be slightly uneven which would drive me bonkers!
Pros for keeping my nipples:
1. I would look "normal."*
*as a dear friend recently told me, there is nothing normal about me, so "normal" is off the table.
Well, it looks like, according to my pros/cons list, I have reached a decision. I will go into my pre pre-op appointment with the intention of not keeping my nipples.
I actually feel a little bit better having written down what's been in my head. I will sit with it until next Thursday and see how it feels. The worst case scenario is that I end up changing my mind.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
12 Days, 15 Hours and 35 Minutes Until Surgery
I'm not usually the type to count hours, but I was curious. At least I didn't count seconds!
I continue to calm down which is a good thing. With the help of an increase in one of my medications, I was able to sleep last night but unfortunately I had a bit of a medication hangover this morning and felt groggy for half of the day. That's just something I will have to put up with for the next 13 nights, because getting sleep feels far more important to me than most things at this point. If I'm not well rested I won't be in optimal shape going into surgery, and I want to go in under the best conditions and circumstances.
This morning my chest surgeon's secretary called me to schedule what she called a pre pre-op appointment for a week from tomorrow. I have been emailing my surgeon quite a bit with questions and different options, and she decided that she should see me before my official pre-op. I feel really good about this and am thrilled that she thinks we need to have a face to face conversation. That says to me that she understands how important all of this is and wants us to together make the best decisions. We will thoroughly discuss nipples or no nipples and all things related, and the good thing is that after making a decision I will still have 3 days to sit with it. If I need to change my mind before my pre-op I will have the time. I think, though, that I am still leaning towards no nipples, but I will be open to what she has to say next week and weigh the options carefully. I would like my decision next week to be final so I can enjoy LA Pride weekend and not be worrying about the details. I will still see my surgeon the day before surgery so she can mark up my chest with marker and go over last minute details.
It's hard to believe that I only have 7 days of work left until I go on leave. There's a lot to be done in those 7 days, so I know they will fly by. I complain a lot that the older I get, the quicker time seems to pass. I regularly long for the days of childhood when days lasted forever and it felt like I would never turn another year older. Now a day passes effortlessly and my next birthday comes sooner than it seems it should. A big part of me hates that I am so eager for time to pass by. I am trying to be productive and live life fully during this time, but sometimes it feels like I'm trying to make time go by faster just so I can reach the big day sooner. I have been pretty all consumed by surgery and the details and logistics of it, and I know I have neglected other responsibilities.
I can't help but think to myself that I have been wasting this time, but I know deep down inside that this is not true. I have learned and grown A LOT these past few months, and as painful as it has been at times to wait, it has been the exact amount of time that I've needed to learn and grow. All I can do after surgery is get on with my life and live life to the fullest. I will be a new person, and I have high expectations for myself. High but not unreasonable, and there is a big difference. Something has to eventually push me into action and pull me away from my dreams and fantasies, and maybe this will be it. I hope for the best, and I wait patiently.
22 minutes have passed, so I'm that much closer. Hmm...not very patient of me, but I'll keep trying.
I continue to calm down which is a good thing. With the help of an increase in one of my medications, I was able to sleep last night but unfortunately I had a bit of a medication hangover this morning and felt groggy for half of the day. That's just something I will have to put up with for the next 13 nights, because getting sleep feels far more important to me than most things at this point. If I'm not well rested I won't be in optimal shape going into surgery, and I want to go in under the best conditions and circumstances.
This morning my chest surgeon's secretary called me to schedule what she called a pre pre-op appointment for a week from tomorrow. I have been emailing my surgeon quite a bit with questions and different options, and she decided that she should see me before my official pre-op. I feel really good about this and am thrilled that she thinks we need to have a face to face conversation. That says to me that she understands how important all of this is and wants us to together make the best decisions. We will thoroughly discuss nipples or no nipples and all things related, and the good thing is that after making a decision I will still have 3 days to sit with it. If I need to change my mind before my pre-op I will have the time. I think, though, that I am still leaning towards no nipples, but I will be open to what she has to say next week and weigh the options carefully. I would like my decision next week to be final so I can enjoy LA Pride weekend and not be worrying about the details. I will still see my surgeon the day before surgery so she can mark up my chest with marker and go over last minute details.
It's hard to believe that I only have 7 days of work left until I go on leave. There's a lot to be done in those 7 days, so I know they will fly by. I complain a lot that the older I get, the quicker time seems to pass. I regularly long for the days of childhood when days lasted forever and it felt like I would never turn another year older. Now a day passes effortlessly and my next birthday comes sooner than it seems it should. A big part of me hates that I am so eager for time to pass by. I am trying to be productive and live life fully during this time, but sometimes it feels like I'm trying to make time go by faster just so I can reach the big day sooner. I have been pretty all consumed by surgery and the details and logistics of it, and I know I have neglected other responsibilities.
I can't help but think to myself that I have been wasting this time, but I know deep down inside that this is not true. I have learned and grown A LOT these past few months, and as painful as it has been at times to wait, it has been the exact amount of time that I've needed to learn and grow. All I can do after surgery is get on with my life and live life to the fullest. I will be a new person, and I have high expectations for myself. High but not unreasonable, and there is a big difference. Something has to eventually push me into action and pull me away from my dreams and fantasies, and maybe this will be it. I hope for the best, and I wait patiently.
22 minutes have passed, so I'm that much closer. Hmm...not very patient of me, but I'll keep trying.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Not Sleeping Well
I laid in bed awake for several hours last night, and when my Blackberry rang a little before 6am this morning I was unable to go back to sleep. That means I got less than 5 hours of sleep last night. And I didn't get a lot of sleep over the weekend. I lay awake unable to fall asleep at night, and while I seem to sleep well once I finally fall asleep, I am easily awoken and am unable to fall back asleep once this happens.
Back in late February I was having a terrible bought of insomnia. I was averaging a few hours of sleep a night, and this went on for several weeks. It was miserable. My latest pattern is starting to remind me a lot of that time period.
Not sleeping 2 weeks pre-op is far from ideal. While I know I'll have plenty of time to rest post-op, I want to go into surgery well rested, healthy and with a strong immune system. Sleep is essential for those things to happen. I'm not usually one to run to my psychiatrist begging for more meds, but in this case I am acting out of the ordinary. I left a message for her last night telling her that sleep is an issue and that I want to discuss increasing or adding some meds. I'd rather nip this in the bud than risk falling into insomnia again. And at this point I'd prefer feeling tired and drugged in the morning if it at least means that I'm sleeping easily and well at night.
While it is kind of enjoyable to be awake at 6am and be able to take my time having coffee, breakfast and getting ready for work, I wish it could happen under better conditions. I've never been a morning person -- ask anyone who knows me -- so there is something kind of nice about being up and at em. But I would prefer to have gotten a good nights sleep first.
If anyone has any tips on how to quiet the mind and relax at night and how to nurture a good nights sleep, please leave a comment.
Boker tov! (good morning in Hebrew)
Back in late February I was having a terrible bought of insomnia. I was averaging a few hours of sleep a night, and this went on for several weeks. It was miserable. My latest pattern is starting to remind me a lot of that time period.
Not sleeping 2 weeks pre-op is far from ideal. While I know I'll have plenty of time to rest post-op, I want to go into surgery well rested, healthy and with a strong immune system. Sleep is essential for those things to happen. I'm not usually one to run to my psychiatrist begging for more meds, but in this case I am acting out of the ordinary. I left a message for her last night telling her that sleep is an issue and that I want to discuss increasing or adding some meds. I'd rather nip this in the bud than risk falling into insomnia again. And at this point I'd prefer feeling tired and drugged in the morning if it at least means that I'm sleeping easily and well at night.
While it is kind of enjoyable to be awake at 6am and be able to take my time having coffee, breakfast and getting ready for work, I wish it could happen under better conditions. I've never been a morning person -- ask anyone who knows me -- so there is something kind of nice about being up and at em. But I would prefer to have gotten a good nights sleep first.
If anyone has any tips on how to quiet the mind and relax at night and how to nurture a good nights sleep, please leave a comment.
Boker tov! (good morning in Hebrew)
Monday, June 1, 2009
The Month Has Arrived
I couldn't go to bed without writing that today is day 1 of THE MONTH! June has finally arrived and as I try my hardest to feel sleepy, I can't help but think that I have 15 nights of sleep and 14 days until I wake up bright and early and go to the hospital for surgery. It is within reach and it feels so good.
I have calmed down a bit from my earlier post. I think I have written and talked about my nipples enough that I am less freaked out about it. I think I know what I am going to do, but I need to sleep on it a night or two to be sure. It feels good to have my perspective (mostly) back. All I can do is make the most of the next 15 nights and 14 days.
I have calmed down a bit from my earlier post. I think I have written and talked about my nipples enough that I am less freaked out about it. I think I know what I am going to do, but I need to sleep on it a night or two to be sure. It feels good to have my perspective (mostly) back. All I can do is make the most of the next 15 nights and 14 days.
Totally Neurotic
So just to lay it out there from the start, you're about to read about nipples -- specifically, my nipples and what to do with them.
I wrote last week that I am not going to keep my nipples because of the fear that it would mean keeping more breast tissue than I am comfortable with and because it would compromise my desire for a flat chest. I felt pretty okay with that decision. I emailed Dr. Salomonson and told her the decision I had reached and how I had reached it. Last night I lay in bed -- this seems to be becoming a dangerous past time -- totally questioning this decision.
I heard back from Dr. Salomonson via email a little bit ago. Her response made me even more unsure of my decision not to keep my nipples. Her response read: "I support your decision, but really think we have nothing to lose by attempting to save your nipples. This has worked in patients having complete mastectomies for cancer so I will not compromise your goals by preserving too much tissue since I know what your priorities are. If the nipples do not survive, the tissue becomes a scab and gradually flakes off."
This was a very straightforward response. She apparently understands and will honor my desire for a completely flat chest. This means a lot to me. She believes that by keeping the nipple I can still have the flat chest that I desire. I know that mastectomy patients lose pretty much every bit of tissue, so I know that equates to flat in my case, which is good. My sister told me that she heard that is the new wave with breast cancer patients. I will say, though, that the idea of the nipple tissue becoming a scab and gradually flaking off is not exactly desirable. That is the part that scares me the most. It's like I need to know ahead of time if my nipples are going to survive or not, because if they're not I'd rather just lose them in surgery.
One of the things I was doubting last night was how secure I feel in not having nipples and looking "normal." Some people would say that I won't look normal post-op because I will be a female bodied person with no breasts. I of course think that I will look more normal than I've ever looked, scars and all. I just don't know how important keeping my nipples is to me, and I have no idea how to decide!
I am mind fucking this to death, and this is not something I want to do. I feel like I am 2 weeks away from surgery, I need to just go ahead and decide and live with it. But I wrote last week that I know I have time to decide and change my mind and still have the time to sit with a new decision, and it appears that this is what is happening. One of my online trans friends told me "I love it how transpeople are totally changing/redesigning how we see bodies. Surgery is a really personal thing -- you should definitely push for the results that you want" when I shared with him my initial thoughts about not keeping my nipples.
I see my body flat chested, but do I see it with or without nipples? My body is my temple, but what do I really want my temple to look like? Do I want a flat chest with nipples and no tattoos, do I want a flat chest with no nipples and tattoos or do I want a flat chest with nipples and tattoos? Why is this such a difficult decision? I happen to love tattoos and want more, so the thought of tattooing my chest is quite exciting. I promised my wife that I would not get any more tattoos that are visible to others, so that means getting tattoos on my back and chest. But it's not about the tattoos.
My chiropractor/spiritual healer tells me not to believe everything that I think. My question is how do I know what to believe and how do I know what not to believe? My ability to not be in touch with my gut feeling and second guessing everything I do makes it really difficult to decide what is worth believing and doing something about and what I need to just ignore. I know I shouldn't believe everything I think, but I also know I have to believe some things. What will help me decide?
I'm not looking at the past for guidance. The past is what I want to move away from. I'm supposed to stay present and grounded in today, but when I have to make a decision that affects the future, how do you do that? Will the answer just come to me? Maybe. And I really believe that meditation can work in that way. But I have to be able to quiet my mind long enough to hear my inner feelings and intuition, and this is what I'm having problems with the most. I have a job that allows me to think a lot, which is a problem. My excitement about surgery has been keeping me awake at night and waking me up early in the morning. Great -- more time to think! Just what I don't need! I have no other details to focus on. My nipples are it. Everything has been checked off of a carefully constructed list. I want to be able to check this one off of my master list, but this one is proving to not be so easy.
Do I want to preserve my nipples and have a "normal" looking chest? Do I care about having a "normal" looking chest? Do I care if my nipples become a scab and flake off?
I want to believe that any answer to any of these questions would be the right one. That I will be happy with or without nipples, that I won't be grossed out if my nipples scab up and flake off. And I think I am right about that. I'm quite a resilient person, ,and I can pretty much handle anything that comes my way. I am not afraid of surgery or of recovery. On the contrary I am ready to take it head on. But I guess I am afraid of making a decision, even though I think I can handle any consequence of that decision. I want nothing more than to go into surgery knowing exactly what is going to happen. But I know that this isn't possible. I have no idea at this point what kind of hysterectomy I am going to have, and I may not know until I wake up. This bothers me a great deal. I want to be able to make a decision for the sake of making a decision so that I can stop thinking about it. I want to know the fate of my nipples for each option, tell the doctor how I want her to proceed and to stop thinking about it.
What I need to do is fly to Tibet, hang out with the monks in a monastery in the wilderness and have someone teach me once and for all how to quiet my mind long enough to hear my inner voice speak. Even though I know I can handle anything, I dread making the "wrong" decision now. If I decide to keep my nipples and they end up dying, I will deal with it. But how do I decide whether or not to keep my nipples.
I'm pretty sure I'm back where I started. Coming full circle is good about some things, but not about making a decision. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get centered and grounded and hear and trust my intuition, please leave a comment or send me an email. I need all the help I can get right now.
To nipple or not to nipple. That is the question.
I wrote last week that I am not going to keep my nipples because of the fear that it would mean keeping more breast tissue than I am comfortable with and because it would compromise my desire for a flat chest. I felt pretty okay with that decision. I emailed Dr. Salomonson and told her the decision I had reached and how I had reached it. Last night I lay in bed -- this seems to be becoming a dangerous past time -- totally questioning this decision.
I heard back from Dr. Salomonson via email a little bit ago. Her response made me even more unsure of my decision not to keep my nipples. Her response read: "I support your decision, but really think we have nothing to lose by attempting to save your nipples. This has worked in patients having complete mastectomies for cancer so I will not compromise your goals by preserving too much tissue since I know what your priorities are. If the nipples do not survive, the tissue becomes a scab and gradually flakes off."
This was a very straightforward response. She apparently understands and will honor my desire for a completely flat chest. This means a lot to me. She believes that by keeping the nipple I can still have the flat chest that I desire. I know that mastectomy patients lose pretty much every bit of tissue, so I know that equates to flat in my case, which is good. My sister told me that she heard that is the new wave with breast cancer patients. I will say, though, that the idea of the nipple tissue becoming a scab and gradually flaking off is not exactly desirable. That is the part that scares me the most. It's like I need to know ahead of time if my nipples are going to survive or not, because if they're not I'd rather just lose them in surgery.
One of the things I was doubting last night was how secure I feel in not having nipples and looking "normal." Some people would say that I won't look normal post-op because I will be a female bodied person with no breasts. I of course think that I will look more normal than I've ever looked, scars and all. I just don't know how important keeping my nipples is to me, and I have no idea how to decide!
I am mind fucking this to death, and this is not something I want to do. I feel like I am 2 weeks away from surgery, I need to just go ahead and decide and live with it. But I wrote last week that I know I have time to decide and change my mind and still have the time to sit with a new decision, and it appears that this is what is happening. One of my online trans friends told me "I love it how transpeople are totally changing/redesigning how we see bodies. Surgery is a really personal thing -- you should definitely push for the results that you want" when I shared with him my initial thoughts about not keeping my nipples.
I see my body flat chested, but do I see it with or without nipples? My body is my temple, but what do I really want my temple to look like? Do I want a flat chest with nipples and no tattoos, do I want a flat chest with no nipples and tattoos or do I want a flat chest with nipples and tattoos? Why is this such a difficult decision? I happen to love tattoos and want more, so the thought of tattooing my chest is quite exciting. I promised my wife that I would not get any more tattoos that are visible to others, so that means getting tattoos on my back and chest. But it's not about the tattoos.
My chiropractor/spiritual healer tells me not to believe everything that I think. My question is how do I know what to believe and how do I know what not to believe? My ability to not be in touch with my gut feeling and second guessing everything I do makes it really difficult to decide what is worth believing and doing something about and what I need to just ignore. I know I shouldn't believe everything I think, but I also know I have to believe some things. What will help me decide?
I'm not looking at the past for guidance. The past is what I want to move away from. I'm supposed to stay present and grounded in today, but when I have to make a decision that affects the future, how do you do that? Will the answer just come to me? Maybe. And I really believe that meditation can work in that way. But I have to be able to quiet my mind long enough to hear my inner feelings and intuition, and this is what I'm having problems with the most. I have a job that allows me to think a lot, which is a problem. My excitement about surgery has been keeping me awake at night and waking me up early in the morning. Great -- more time to think! Just what I don't need! I have no other details to focus on. My nipples are it. Everything has been checked off of a carefully constructed list. I want to be able to check this one off of my master list, but this one is proving to not be so easy.
Do I want to preserve my nipples and have a "normal" looking chest? Do I care about having a "normal" looking chest? Do I care if my nipples become a scab and flake off?
I want to believe that any answer to any of these questions would be the right one. That I will be happy with or without nipples, that I won't be grossed out if my nipples scab up and flake off. And I think I am right about that. I'm quite a resilient person, ,and I can pretty much handle anything that comes my way. I am not afraid of surgery or of recovery. On the contrary I am ready to take it head on. But I guess I am afraid of making a decision, even though I think I can handle any consequence of that decision. I want nothing more than to go into surgery knowing exactly what is going to happen. But I know that this isn't possible. I have no idea at this point what kind of hysterectomy I am going to have, and I may not know until I wake up. This bothers me a great deal. I want to be able to make a decision for the sake of making a decision so that I can stop thinking about it. I want to know the fate of my nipples for each option, tell the doctor how I want her to proceed and to stop thinking about it.
What I need to do is fly to Tibet, hang out with the monks in a monastery in the wilderness and have someone teach me once and for all how to quiet my mind long enough to hear my inner voice speak. Even though I know I can handle anything, I dread making the "wrong" decision now. If I decide to keep my nipples and they end up dying, I will deal with it. But how do I decide whether or not to keep my nipples.
I'm pretty sure I'm back where I started. Coming full circle is good about some things, but not about making a decision. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get centered and grounded and hear and trust my intuition, please leave a comment or send me an email. I need all the help I can get right now.
To nipple or not to nipple. That is the question.
Friday, May 29, 2009
The Best Birthday Ever
Today is my birthday -- I'm 32 years old. I'm thrilled to be another year older, at least for now. I feel like life experience has aged me more than my actual age in years, so turning another year older brings a little more balance and equilibrium to my life. My age in years feels a little more in check with the age of my soul and spirit.
Not until a few people commented in their birthday wishes to me about the wonderful next year I am creating for myself did I think about my surgeries being a birthday present to myself. I have many new and exciting changes that have recently occurred and that are in the works. I came out to myself, came out to my wife, family and friends, created an online community for myself, worked hard in therapy and am happier than I've ever been because of these things. And I have made surgery possible for myself so that I can be even happier. Birthdays, or any annual milestone or holiday for that matter, are a chance to start over, to begin anew and to pledge to create for yourself a better life, a happier existence and a more meaningful journey. I am determined not to waste this chance at rebirth. There are so many wonderful things ahead of me, so many inspiring and happy moments awaiting me. I need to hold onto this energy and use it to live my life as fully and intentionally as possible. This journey is good and right, and I am honored and humbled to be living it.
On a few more practical notes, I have figured out all the financial details pertaining to insurance and out of pocket expenses, so that is a huge relief. I received a wonderful gift from my wife's grandmother yesterday -- a soft, zip up robe that I can wear post-op. It will definitely come in handy. And I have figured out the remaining logistical details regarding my hematological problems. I finally got a hold of someone from my hematologists office. They are working with their home care pharmacy to arrange my anti-coagulant injections. I will be sent the medication and syringes by an outside pharmacy. It is being arranged that a home health care aid will come to our home the day after surgery and teach my wife and mom to administer the injections. The doctor's office will know if I have to stay in the hospital, and if this is the case they will cancel the home aid and I will instead be shown how to do it while I'm in the hospital. I faxed them my new insurance information, so as far as I know, they are arranging all the details and I no longer have to worry about it. The financial details and the hematologist details are to my knowledge the last remaining details that needed attention. I'm sure something else will pop up in the next few weeks, but I'll be ready for it.
I have a really strong gut feeling that I am going to have an abdominal hysterectomy. I don't know why, and I really don't want it to be the case, but I'm afraid it will be. Maybe I am just preparing myself mentally for the worst case scenario. And maybe I will wake up from surgery with a pleasant surprise of having had laproscopic surgery. But I just have this feeling.... There's nothing I can do to influence it one way or the other, so I might as well be prepared for the worst.
I am 18 days away from surgery and counting. It's kind of cool that today is my birthday and I am 18 days away from surgery. Today is a day when I celebrate being given life and living the life I was given to the fullest. And today the number 18 is a relevant number in my life. In Judaism, the number 18 is equated to the concept of life. So on this day, my birthday, I am both celebrating the life I was blessed with while being 18 days from being reborn. What a wonderful position to be in! L'chaim -- to life!
Not until a few people commented in their birthday wishes to me about the wonderful next year I am creating for myself did I think about my surgeries being a birthday present to myself. I have many new and exciting changes that have recently occurred and that are in the works. I came out to myself, came out to my wife, family and friends, created an online community for myself, worked hard in therapy and am happier than I've ever been because of these things. And I have made surgery possible for myself so that I can be even happier. Birthdays, or any annual milestone or holiday for that matter, are a chance to start over, to begin anew and to pledge to create for yourself a better life, a happier existence and a more meaningful journey. I am determined not to waste this chance at rebirth. There are so many wonderful things ahead of me, so many inspiring and happy moments awaiting me. I need to hold onto this energy and use it to live my life as fully and intentionally as possible. This journey is good and right, and I am honored and humbled to be living it.
On a few more practical notes, I have figured out all the financial details pertaining to insurance and out of pocket expenses, so that is a huge relief. I received a wonderful gift from my wife's grandmother yesterday -- a soft, zip up robe that I can wear post-op. It will definitely come in handy. And I have figured out the remaining logistical details regarding my hematological problems. I finally got a hold of someone from my hematologists office. They are working with their home care pharmacy to arrange my anti-coagulant injections. I will be sent the medication and syringes by an outside pharmacy. It is being arranged that a home health care aid will come to our home the day after surgery and teach my wife and mom to administer the injections. The doctor's office will know if I have to stay in the hospital, and if this is the case they will cancel the home aid and I will instead be shown how to do it while I'm in the hospital. I faxed them my new insurance information, so as far as I know, they are arranging all the details and I no longer have to worry about it. The financial details and the hematologist details are to my knowledge the last remaining details that needed attention. I'm sure something else will pop up in the next few weeks, but I'll be ready for it.
I have a really strong gut feeling that I am going to have an abdominal hysterectomy. I don't know why, and I really don't want it to be the case, but I'm afraid it will be. Maybe I am just preparing myself mentally for the worst case scenario. And maybe I will wake up from surgery with a pleasant surprise of having had laproscopic surgery. But I just have this feeling.... There's nothing I can do to influence it one way or the other, so I might as well be prepared for the worst.
I am 18 days away from surgery and counting. It's kind of cool that today is my birthday and I am 18 days away from surgery. Today is a day when I celebrate being given life and living the life I was given to the fullest. And today the number 18 is a relevant number in my life. In Judaism, the number 18 is equated to the concept of life. So on this day, my birthday, I am both celebrating the life I was blessed with while being 18 days from being reborn. What a wonderful position to be in! L'chaim -- to life!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Just Enough Time
I have decided that what my therapist told me over a month ago is exactly right. If I had less time than I do before surgery, it wouldn't be enough time, and if I had more time, it would be too much time.
While it is definitely painful to be counting down day by day, it is also giving me the time I need to gain and keep a perspective on everything. I need time to process all of the details and to continue making plans. I decided last night the details of my chest surgery, but I need time to let it sink in and to make sure it sits right with me. While part of me feels like, okay, I know what I want, so let's do it, the other, and unfortunately less prominent, side of me says okay, I know what I want, now let's just sit with it for a while and see how it feels.
I don't think I will change my mind about my nipples. But it is still good to have time to think about it and make sure it is what I want. Should I change my mind, I have time for it and would even have time to sit with that for a little bit. But like I said, I know what I want and why I want it, so I will take these next 19 days and just make sure it feels good and right.
I still have to take care of some financial details, and I still need to get that darn prescription for the anti-coagulant, but everything else is taken care of. These next 19 days will be about my relationship, work, sleep, healing energy, joyous thoughts and not believing everything I think. Oh, and doing some major apartment cleaning in anticipation of the arrival of Mom :)
Each morning when I get dressed, I am thankful that I am that much closer to not having to put on my binder. Every night when I shower, I am thankful that I am that much closer to feeling more comfortable when I get out of the shower and see myself in the bathroom mirror. And each night that I lay down beside my wife to go to sleep, I count my blessings that I even have this opportunity. Not everyone is able, for a vast multitude of reasons, to be true to themselves and to follow their true journeys. I am one of the lucky ones, and I will never forget.
While it is definitely painful to be counting down day by day, it is also giving me the time I need to gain and keep a perspective on everything. I need time to process all of the details and to continue making plans. I decided last night the details of my chest surgery, but I need time to let it sink in and to make sure it sits right with me. While part of me feels like, okay, I know what I want, so let's do it, the other, and unfortunately less prominent, side of me says okay, I know what I want, now let's just sit with it for a while and see how it feels.
I don't think I will change my mind about my nipples. But it is still good to have time to think about it and make sure it is what I want. Should I change my mind, I have time for it and would even have time to sit with that for a little bit. But like I said, I know what I want and why I want it, so I will take these next 19 days and just make sure it feels good and right.
I still have to take care of some financial details, and I still need to get that darn prescription for the anti-coagulant, but everything else is taken care of. These next 19 days will be about my relationship, work, sleep, healing energy, joyous thoughts and not believing everything I think. Oh, and doing some major apartment cleaning in anticipation of the arrival of Mom :)
Each morning when I get dressed, I am thankful that I am that much closer to not having to put on my binder. Every night when I shower, I am thankful that I am that much closer to feeling more comfortable when I get out of the shower and see myself in the bathroom mirror. And each night that I lay down beside my wife to go to sleep, I count my blessings that I even have this opportunity. Not everyone is able, for a vast multitude of reasons, to be true to themselves and to follow their true journeys. I am one of the lucky ones, and I will never forget.
About Chest Surgery & My Surgery Plans
One of my readers asked in a comment about the difference between traditional Female to Male (FTM) top surgery and radical breast reduction, so I thought I would write an entry addressing this individual's questions. This is based on my experience with the trans community and in no way makes me an expert on the subject. I will write from my own experience.
There are a handful of surgeons in America who are well known for doing FTM top surgery. The main purpose of FTM top surgery is to construct a male appearing chest. Incisions are made under the pectoral muscles, parallel to the ribs. The nipples and areola are grafted into a new position and are resized to appear male. The chest overall is contoured to appear male.
Any qualified and experienced plastic surgeon can do a radical breast reduction. This is the procedure that I am having done. The main difference between radical breast reduction and FTM top surgery is that in radical breast reduction, the chest is not necessarily contoured to appear male. Incisions are also somewhat different. There is the same incision under the pectoral muscles like in FTM top surgery, but there is an incision that runs perpendicular as well. This type of incision is called an inverted T or an anchor incision. The nipple and areola can be left in tact or it can be grafted and resized. There is typically not as much breast tissue removed in a radical breast reduction as there is in FTM top surgery. The amount of breast tissue removed as well as the grafting and resizing of the nipple and areola depends on the individual's wishes.
I was initially going to go to a well known FTM top surgeon in San Francisco. I decided against this for various reasons. I live in LA, not a small town, so I thought it was ridiculous to go to San Francisco for surgery. Surely someone in LA is qualified to give me the flat chest that I desire. It was also very important for me to be able to recover in my own home and not in a hotel room. I explained to my trans friendly gynecologist what I wanted out of chest surgery and she gave me the name of a plastic surgeon. I went in for a consultation and the rest is (almost) history. I also realized that it is not important to me to have a male appearing chest since I do not identify as male. This sealed the deal that I would do surgery in LA with Dr. Salomonson.
I decided last night as I laid in bed wide awake the specifics that I desire from my chest surgery. In order to keep my nipples and areola I would have to keep some breast tissue so that the blood supply is sustained and the nipples and areola do not die. In the photos I posted in yesterday's blog, there is a rounding, or a bump, in the chest of this man. That rounding, that bump, is not flat enough for me. As I laid awake last night I feared that by doing this I would sacrifice the absolute flatness that I want more than anything. I only have one chance to do this right. I will likely never have the money to have a revision done on my chest. I need to feel confident going into surgery that I will wake up with no regrets, that I will wake up happy.
I have thus decided not to keep my nipples and areola. I will have as much breast tissue and skin removed as possible, leaving my chest tight and flat. By not keeping them I can get rid of the extra breast tissue that I would have to keep to sustain the life in my nipples and areola, and the chances of being flat to my satisfaction are great. I feel good about this decision. Like a friend of mine said, nipples are overrated! I plan on eventually covering my chest with a tattoo, so it makes no difference to me whether or not I have nipples. I know that this is the right decision. I do not want to come out of surgery with small breasts or with even a bump, and this is the way to ensure that that happens. I just want to be flat and aesthetically pleasing to my eyes and to my wife.
If any of my readers have questions about surgery, gender identity, etc. that they would like answered, please post a comment and I will be happy to write about them from my own experience in a future blog.
19 days from this moment, I will be in the recovery room, officially post-op. I am so excited! I am more than ready to exist in the body that my mind visualizes. I am more than ready to come home to myself. And I am more than ready to stop wearing this hot, tight, itchy binder!!! It will feel so good to be able to just throw on a shirt and be on my merry way. Thank you, whoever you are who are reading this, for supporting me as I walk the path to finding myself and being true to myself.
There are a handful of surgeons in America who are well known for doing FTM top surgery. The main purpose of FTM top surgery is to construct a male appearing chest. Incisions are made under the pectoral muscles, parallel to the ribs. The nipples and areola are grafted into a new position and are resized to appear male. The chest overall is contoured to appear male.
Any qualified and experienced plastic surgeon can do a radical breast reduction. This is the procedure that I am having done. The main difference between radical breast reduction and FTM top surgery is that in radical breast reduction, the chest is not necessarily contoured to appear male. Incisions are also somewhat different. There is the same incision under the pectoral muscles like in FTM top surgery, but there is an incision that runs perpendicular as well. This type of incision is called an inverted T or an anchor incision. The nipple and areola can be left in tact or it can be grafted and resized. There is typically not as much breast tissue removed in a radical breast reduction as there is in FTM top surgery. The amount of breast tissue removed as well as the grafting and resizing of the nipple and areola depends on the individual's wishes.
I was initially going to go to a well known FTM top surgeon in San Francisco. I decided against this for various reasons. I live in LA, not a small town, so I thought it was ridiculous to go to San Francisco for surgery. Surely someone in LA is qualified to give me the flat chest that I desire. It was also very important for me to be able to recover in my own home and not in a hotel room. I explained to my trans friendly gynecologist what I wanted out of chest surgery and she gave me the name of a plastic surgeon. I went in for a consultation and the rest is (almost) history. I also realized that it is not important to me to have a male appearing chest since I do not identify as male. This sealed the deal that I would do surgery in LA with Dr. Salomonson.
I decided last night as I laid in bed wide awake the specifics that I desire from my chest surgery. In order to keep my nipples and areola I would have to keep some breast tissue so that the blood supply is sustained and the nipples and areola do not die. In the photos I posted in yesterday's blog, there is a rounding, or a bump, in the chest of this man. That rounding, that bump, is not flat enough for me. As I laid awake last night I feared that by doing this I would sacrifice the absolute flatness that I want more than anything. I only have one chance to do this right. I will likely never have the money to have a revision done on my chest. I need to feel confident going into surgery that I will wake up with no regrets, that I will wake up happy.
I have thus decided not to keep my nipples and areola. I will have as much breast tissue and skin removed as possible, leaving my chest tight and flat. By not keeping them I can get rid of the extra breast tissue that I would have to keep to sustain the life in my nipples and areola, and the chances of being flat to my satisfaction are great. I feel good about this decision. Like a friend of mine said, nipples are overrated! I plan on eventually covering my chest with a tattoo, so it makes no difference to me whether or not I have nipples. I know that this is the right decision. I do not want to come out of surgery with small breasts or with even a bump, and this is the way to ensure that that happens. I just want to be flat and aesthetically pleasing to my eyes and to my wife.
If any of my readers have questions about surgery, gender identity, etc. that they would like answered, please post a comment and I will be happy to write about them from my own experience in a future blog.
19 days from this moment, I will be in the recovery room, officially post-op. I am so excited! I am more than ready to exist in the body that my mind visualizes. I am more than ready to come home to myself. And I am more than ready to stop wearing this hot, tight, itchy binder!!! It will feel so good to be able to just throw on a shirt and be on my merry way. Thank you, whoever you are who are reading this, for supporting me as I walk the path to finding myself and being true to myself.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Standing Under A Joy Tree
My friend, chiropractor and spiritual healer instructed me to visualize and experience as much joy and balance as possible these next few weeks and to not believe everything that I think. These are things worthy of my time and effort. I will try my hardest to exist under a canopy of joy and only let in positive, healing energy. I have been spending way too much time in my head these past few months, obsessed with all of the details, worry and anxiety about surgery. Not believing everything I think -- being conscious and aware of my thoughts -- will help me experience the joy of it all.
I am choosing to believe that non-western interventions will help me as well. I started taking echinacea and goldenseal to give my immune system a boost so that I don't get sick right before surgery. And today I went to the Santa Monica Homeopathic Pharmacy and purchased Arnica Multiplex and Pain and Inflammation Multiplex. The Arnica Multiplex promotes healing and will be started 3 days pre-op. The Pain and Inflammtion Multiplex will be started post-op and is meant to decrease pain, swelling and bruising. I think that homeopathy is half about believing that it will work, so I am choosing to believe that these two multiplexes will help make for a smoother and less painful recovery. In this case, I guess I should believe what I think and let the negative thoughts go. Easier said than done, but it's sure worth trying.
I am choosing to believe that non-western interventions will help me as well. I started taking echinacea and goldenseal to give my immune system a boost so that I don't get sick right before surgery. And today I went to the Santa Monica Homeopathic Pharmacy and purchased Arnica Multiplex and Pain and Inflammation Multiplex. The Arnica Multiplex promotes healing and will be started 3 days pre-op. The Pain and Inflammtion Multiplex will be started post-op and is meant to decrease pain, swelling and bruising. I think that homeopathy is half about believing that it will work, so I am choosing to believe that these two multiplexes will help make for a smoother and less painful recovery. In this case, I guess I should believe what I think and let the negative thoughts go. Easier said than done, but it's sure worth trying.
My Future Chest
The photos above were taken of a female to male transgender person who had a radical breast reduction. This is the procedure I will be having. My surgeon, after viewing the photos, told me that these photos are realistic expectations to have. If this is what I look like post-op I will be one truly happy camper! I am so excited just thinking about it. 20 days and counting!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Ups And Downs
Today has been a truly weird day. It started off on a good note. I mailed my two Title Nine sports bras that I don't wear anymore to an internet friend in Indiana. He is trans and cannot bind comfortably enough. These sports bras are hardcore to say the least, and they should help him with binding. They won't flatten him out like a binder does but they sure do smash the things down! And I already found a new home for my two binders -- a trans guy in North Carolina will be the new owner. They are pretty expensive, and not everyone can afford them despite their need to bind, so I am happy to be able to recycle. Because of superstition I will wait until after I have had my surgery to send the binders away. I was going to mail them the day before and just go braless one last time, but I am afraid that if I mail them before surgery something will happen at the last minute and the surgery will be postponed and I'll be without a binder. Silly, I know, but just in case, I'm going with it.
Soon after I got to work the Proposition 8 ruling was released. By a 6-1 vote the California Supreme Court ruled to uphold the discriminatory and bigoted proposition. It saddens me while also frustrating and inspiring me. It is sad that discrimination against one particular group of people has been written into the constitution, and it is sad that same sex marriages will not be allowed in California. I find it infuriating and intolerable that my wife and I and 18,000 other same sex couples have now been granted special rights. We are allowed to stay married but our LGBTQ friends cannot marry. This makes no sense. I have been married since our 2005 religious ceremony. Our civil wedding was just icing on the cake. I will not celebrate my civil marriage until all Americans are able to celebrate a marriage if that is what they desire. Some have said that allowing the 18,000 same sex couples to stay married is a stepping stone, a forward movement in our fight for fairness and equality. Well, I'm tired of people having to stoop over and be a back on which others stand to try and get ahead. I have a bad back as a matter of fact. I'd much prefer we all be allowed to stand tall and proud and be treated as equals, with dignity and respect. The same sex marriage fight in California will go back to the ballots, and hopefully we will get it right this next time.
I'm not sure if the supreme court ruling has had anything to do with my overall crummy day. Today has been a true struggle for me. I feel fat, bloated, poorly dressed, sweaty, pissy, underutilized, unappreciated, ignored and unhappy. I have no self esteem or self confidence today for some reason. It's just one of those really bad days that you can't wait to be over so you can do it better the next day. I'm having a great deal of body dysphoria which may be a big part of it. Even though I am binding today, I feel so aware of my breasts, and I feel like they are huge, even though they are bound. I'm not feeling too sorry for myself in regards to the dysphoria, because I know how fortunate I am to be having surgery in less than 3 weeks to make the correction. But it is still pretty miserable to be in this body today.
I am ecstatic that I have had my period for the very last time. This last one could have been worse. I was pretty sick the first two days, but then it ended really quickly. Goodbye and good riddance is all I have to say! I will be hard pressed to look back on ever having had my period. Forward and onward!
My gynecologist's office called me earlier. All of the pre-authorization has gone through for my hysterectomy, so that is exciting. And my hematologist was able to speak with Dr. Knox, so medical clearance has been given for me to have surgery. I still need to get the prescription for the anti-coagulant, but other than dealing with money, that is the last detail left. I purchased a bed lap table over the weekend which is to my knowledge the last thing I have been wanting that I still needed to purchase. I'm pretty sure my doctor will give me a chest binder to wear at the hospital, and depending on if I have an abdominal hysterectomy or not, I may have to get an abdominal binder, but I assume that would be given to me at the hospital as well. Things have definitely fallen into place, and I am finding that I can breathe a little easier as each day passes.
A little bit ago I filled out an Advance Health Care Directive. That was a slightly weird experience, but it wasn't too bad. I probably should have had one already, so it's good to have a reason to have one in place. I am an organ/tissue donor for any and all purposes, and I do not want my life to be prolonged if there is no chance of recovery. I feel good about both of those things. A person's organs and tissue can go to tens of people which is just amazing to think about. And I would hate to be responsible for the continued draining of the American health care system! My wife and I talked a little bit about my wishes, and we will talk more about it these next weeks. My parents are secondary decision makers. Not that anyone is going to have to make any decisions because I will come through surgery just fine!
The excitement is definitely building up. Surgery is less than 3 weeks away. My first pre-op appointment is 2 weeks from Friday. That will feel like the true kick off of everything. After that is my last day of work, the arrival of my mom, LA Pride, my other pre-op appointment and finally surgery day itself. Yup -- I'm so excited. There are many genderqueer and transgender people who want to have chest surgery, and I count my blessings that I have the opportunity to have this surgery. I knew I wanted it, and I went after it, and in a few short weeks my body will be mine again. I hope time continues to go by quickly and that I continue to seek out joy during this life changing time. This journey is good and true, and I'm grateful for the ride.
Soon after I got to work the Proposition 8 ruling was released. By a 6-1 vote the California Supreme Court ruled to uphold the discriminatory and bigoted proposition. It saddens me while also frustrating and inspiring me. It is sad that discrimination against one particular group of people has been written into the constitution, and it is sad that same sex marriages will not be allowed in California. I find it infuriating and intolerable that my wife and I and 18,000 other same sex couples have now been granted special rights. We are allowed to stay married but our LGBTQ friends cannot marry. This makes no sense. I have been married since our 2005 religious ceremony. Our civil wedding was just icing on the cake. I will not celebrate my civil marriage until all Americans are able to celebrate a marriage if that is what they desire. Some have said that allowing the 18,000 same sex couples to stay married is a stepping stone, a forward movement in our fight for fairness and equality. Well, I'm tired of people having to stoop over and be a back on which others stand to try and get ahead. I have a bad back as a matter of fact. I'd much prefer we all be allowed to stand tall and proud and be treated as equals, with dignity and respect. The same sex marriage fight in California will go back to the ballots, and hopefully we will get it right this next time.
I'm not sure if the supreme court ruling has had anything to do with my overall crummy day. Today has been a true struggle for me. I feel fat, bloated, poorly dressed, sweaty, pissy, underutilized, unappreciated, ignored and unhappy. I have no self esteem or self confidence today for some reason. It's just one of those really bad days that you can't wait to be over so you can do it better the next day. I'm having a great deal of body dysphoria which may be a big part of it. Even though I am binding today, I feel so aware of my breasts, and I feel like they are huge, even though they are bound. I'm not feeling too sorry for myself in regards to the dysphoria, because I know how fortunate I am to be having surgery in less than 3 weeks to make the correction. But it is still pretty miserable to be in this body today.
I am ecstatic that I have had my period for the very last time. This last one could have been worse. I was pretty sick the first two days, but then it ended really quickly. Goodbye and good riddance is all I have to say! I will be hard pressed to look back on ever having had my period. Forward and onward!
My gynecologist's office called me earlier. All of the pre-authorization has gone through for my hysterectomy, so that is exciting. And my hematologist was able to speak with Dr. Knox, so medical clearance has been given for me to have surgery. I still need to get the prescription for the anti-coagulant, but other than dealing with money, that is the last detail left. I purchased a bed lap table over the weekend which is to my knowledge the last thing I have been wanting that I still needed to purchase. I'm pretty sure my doctor will give me a chest binder to wear at the hospital, and depending on if I have an abdominal hysterectomy or not, I may have to get an abdominal binder, but I assume that would be given to me at the hospital as well. Things have definitely fallen into place, and I am finding that I can breathe a little easier as each day passes.
A little bit ago I filled out an Advance Health Care Directive. That was a slightly weird experience, but it wasn't too bad. I probably should have had one already, so it's good to have a reason to have one in place. I am an organ/tissue donor for any and all purposes, and I do not want my life to be prolonged if there is no chance of recovery. I feel good about both of those things. A person's organs and tissue can go to tens of people which is just amazing to think about. And I would hate to be responsible for the continued draining of the American health care system! My wife and I talked a little bit about my wishes, and we will talk more about it these next weeks. My parents are secondary decision makers. Not that anyone is going to have to make any decisions because I will come through surgery just fine!
The excitement is definitely building up. Surgery is less than 3 weeks away. My first pre-op appointment is 2 weeks from Friday. That will feel like the true kick off of everything. After that is my last day of work, the arrival of my mom, LA Pride, my other pre-op appointment and finally surgery day itself. Yup -- I'm so excited. There are many genderqueer and transgender people who want to have chest surgery, and I count my blessings that I have the opportunity to have this surgery. I knew I wanted it, and I went after it, and in a few short weeks my body will be mine again. I hope time continues to go by quickly and that I continue to seek out joy during this life changing time. This journey is good and true, and I'm grateful for the ride.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Good Enough To Taste
Yesterday, for whatever reason, was the first day that I've felt genuinely excited about my upcoming surgeries. I've definitely felt eager and driven and anxious about them, but not truly excited. In fact, it's so exciting I can taste it! Surgery day feels real and tangible for the first time. It is 3 1/2 weeks away and my whole being knows and understands that -- finally! I am noticing some relief of the driven and anxious feeling as the pure excitement sets in. Now this is what I'm talking about!
I think these next 3 1/2 weeks will definitely fly by. My wife gets home from being away for the week later today, and it's a long weekend. I'm looking forward to relaxing and doing some fun things, and when the weekend is over it'll be Tuesday already, and that means I'll be 3 weeks away from surgery day. Work will be busy for me these next 3 weeks as will life. This is indeed exciting!
I have some internet friends who have recently had top surgery or who are soon having it. It has been so exciting to support them and watch them prepare and recover. I have no excuse to make any mistakes with my own healing and recovery as there are many people from whom I have recently had the opportunity to watch and learn. I know exactly what to expect with surgery itself. I know what my incisions and scars will look like. I know what it feels like to get drains removed. I'm a very well informed patient, so now I just keep getting excited and try to wait patiently.
Bring it on!
I think these next 3 1/2 weeks will definitely fly by. My wife gets home from being away for the week later today, and it's a long weekend. I'm looking forward to relaxing and doing some fun things, and when the weekend is over it'll be Tuesday already, and that means I'll be 3 weeks away from surgery day. Work will be busy for me these next 3 weeks as will life. This is indeed exciting!
I have some internet friends who have recently had top surgery or who are soon having it. It has been so exciting to support them and watch them prepare and recover. I have no excuse to make any mistakes with my own healing and recovery as there are many people from whom I have recently had the opportunity to watch and learn. I know exactly what to expect with surgery itself. I know what my incisions and scars will look like. I know what it feels like to get drains removed. I'm a very well informed patient, so now I just keep getting excited and try to wait patiently.
Bring it on!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Passing Time And Counting Down
There's nothing like being sick to pass the time. Last week it was a nasty cold, this week it was food poisoning. I'm currently hijacked by PMS. If it's not one thing it's certainly something else. I really hope that I am getting all illness out of the way now so that I am in good health for surgery.
I keep finding myself wanting to think that it's weird and strangely symbolic that I am about to have my period for the very last time, but I don't. I am not feeling much of anything about it except for being grateful that this is it. There will be no mourning of my womanhood or anything like that. In fact, that seems quite silly to even think about. I just want to start my period already so that I can get it over with and not look back! Last month was brutal so I'm prepared for this one to be a doozy. Who knows...maybe it will be a walk in the park. I just know that by having my period this month, I am that much closer to surgery day and to reclaiming my body.
I'm still trying to figure out last minute logistical things. My gynecologist, Dr. Knox, never received medical clearance from my hematologist, Dr. Terpenning, for me to have surgery, even though she gave it to me at the end of March. So I had to call Dr. Terpenning to inquire about the clearance as well as about having a prescription for an anti-coagulant mailed to me. My poor mom has to give me a shot in the stomach for a few days post-op so my blood doesn't clot. Dr. Knox doesn't need any special lab work done since my chest surgeon, Dr. Salomonson, already sent me a lab slip for pre-op blood work. I would love nothing more than to not have to go see Dr. Terpenning again. I of course already have my work days mapped out from now until my last day before surgery, so having to schedule an appointment at this point would just be a pain.
I asked Manya, the surgery guru at Dr. Knox's office, what the deal is with having to stay in the hospital post-op. If I have to have an abdominal hysterectomy, they will keep me for at least 1 night, often 2, and if I have the surgery done laproscopically, they usually don't keep you unless you are feeling really sick and don't feel up to going home. I am of course hoping for the best for reasons of less trauma to my body and a quicker recovery, but I also just don't want to have to stay in the hospital longer than a few hours post-op. I would much rather go home and get in bed with my cat and sleep off the anesthesia. Dr. Knox will give me all of my prescriptions for pain and anti-nausea medications at my pre-op appointment so that I can fill them before surgery.
And so the countdown is on. I have 16 days of work left before my pre-op appointment with Dr. Knox and before I go on leave for surgery. I have 24 days until my mom arrives in LA. I have 26 days until my pre-op appointment with Dr. Salomonson. And I have 27 days until surgery!
Not that I'm counting.
I keep finding myself wanting to think that it's weird and strangely symbolic that I am about to have my period for the very last time, but I don't. I am not feeling much of anything about it except for being grateful that this is it. There will be no mourning of my womanhood or anything like that. In fact, that seems quite silly to even think about. I just want to start my period already so that I can get it over with and not look back! Last month was brutal so I'm prepared for this one to be a doozy. Who knows...maybe it will be a walk in the park. I just know that by having my period this month, I am that much closer to surgery day and to reclaiming my body.
I'm still trying to figure out last minute logistical things. My gynecologist, Dr. Knox, never received medical clearance from my hematologist, Dr. Terpenning, for me to have surgery, even though she gave it to me at the end of March. So I had to call Dr. Terpenning to inquire about the clearance as well as about having a prescription for an anti-coagulant mailed to me. My poor mom has to give me a shot in the stomach for a few days post-op so my blood doesn't clot. Dr. Knox doesn't need any special lab work done since my chest surgeon, Dr. Salomonson, already sent me a lab slip for pre-op blood work. I would love nothing more than to not have to go see Dr. Terpenning again. I of course already have my work days mapped out from now until my last day before surgery, so having to schedule an appointment at this point would just be a pain.
I asked Manya, the surgery guru at Dr. Knox's office, what the deal is with having to stay in the hospital post-op. If I have to have an abdominal hysterectomy, they will keep me for at least 1 night, often 2, and if I have the surgery done laproscopically, they usually don't keep you unless you are feeling really sick and don't feel up to going home. I am of course hoping for the best for reasons of less trauma to my body and a quicker recovery, but I also just don't want to have to stay in the hospital longer than a few hours post-op. I would much rather go home and get in bed with my cat and sleep off the anesthesia. Dr. Knox will give me all of my prescriptions for pain and anti-nausea medications at my pre-op appointment so that I can fill them before surgery.
And so the countdown is on. I have 16 days of work left before my pre-op appointment with Dr. Knox and before I go on leave for surgery. I have 24 days until my mom arrives in LA. I have 26 days until my pre-op appointment with Dr. Salomonson. And I have 27 days until surgery!
Not that I'm counting.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Tattoo: A Self Portrait
I decided a few years ago that I would get a tattoo in every city in which I live from the age of 18 on. Maybe this will be an incentive for my wife to want to settle down sooner rather than later :) I promised that, aside from my foot tattoo, I would get my tattoos in places that can be easily covered (living in LA I wear flip-flops a lot and thus show my foot tattoo). I got my first tattoo in Athens, OH, I then incorporated that tattoo into my second tattoo that I got in Washington, DC, and I got my third tattoo in Jerusalem, Israel. My year in Israel was a very transformative, enriching and intense time, and I set out on a journey of self discovery early in that year. I am walking the same path today, and it has been an amazing experience. I of course wanted my third tattoo to be personally meaningful, for it to mark a moment in time permanently on my body, for it to be another way to never forget the journey I am on. Since Israel was the first time I really began exploring and discussing my gender identity in therapy, I wanted my tattoo to reflect this. I was inspired by Native American fetishes and the energy that they hold. I consider bears and crows to be my spirit animals (in addition to turtles). So I decided to create a story with my tattoo that would incorporate these ideas and describe my transgenderqueer and human nature.
The Story of a Tattoo Self Portrait: The bear is brave, proud and strong, and he is also humble, modest and gentle. He often looks down rather than looking up and out at the world around him. The crow is smart, social and has a strong emotional memory. She often serves as the bear's eyes. Sitting on his back, she sees what he cannot. Her world view is made up of the fantasies and daydreams she experiences as she flies through the skies each day, and when she comes to rest on the bear's back, the energy of these dreams flows through his heartline and enables him to understand his own life in a much more meaningful way. The bear and the crow need one another. The bear needs her so that he can come to know and understand her intuition, and the crow needs him so that she can ground herself within his beautiful reality. Each lives a fuller life because the other exists. They are neither either nor or; they are one.
(Refer to the photo entitled "Self Portrait" on the right side of my blog to see the tattoo. I think the artist did a fabulous job capturing the story, which I had shared with her. I am proud of this tattoo because of the meaning, significance and artistic beauty that it holds.)
The Story of a Tattoo Self Portrait: The bear is brave, proud and strong, and he is also humble, modest and gentle. He often looks down rather than looking up and out at the world around him. The crow is smart, social and has a strong emotional memory. She often serves as the bear's eyes. Sitting on his back, she sees what he cannot. Her world view is made up of the fantasies and daydreams she experiences as she flies through the skies each day, and when she comes to rest on the bear's back, the energy of these dreams flows through his heartline and enables him to understand his own life in a much more meaningful way. The bear and the crow need one another. The bear needs her so that he can come to know and understand her intuition, and the crow needs him so that she can ground herself within his beautiful reality. Each lives a fuller life because the other exists. They are neither either nor or; they are one.
(Refer to the photo entitled "Self Portrait" on the right side of my blog to see the tattoo. I think the artist did a fabulous job capturing the story, which I had shared with her. I am proud of this tattoo because of the meaning, significance and artistic beauty that it holds.)
Monday, May 11, 2009
The Drawer
I've finished shopping for post-op necessities. Well...almost. I may or may not buy a lap desk for my bed. That will depend on if I can find one big enough to fit over me. I need to go to Bed, Bath & Beyond and "try one on."
The main things I needed were button up shirts, button up PJs, tank tops with low cut arm pits and underwear. I am happy to say that I finally have all of these items. The button up shirts are hanging in my closet, having already been worn a few times to work. The button up PJs, tank tops and underwear have been washed and dryed and folded neatly.
I cleaned out a drawer yesterday and designated it my post-op surgery drawer. My PJs and tank tops are in it along with my "belly buster" which I will wear once my hysterectomy stitches heal, and my underwear are in a separate drawer. When I put my PJs, etc. into the drawer, I found myself doing so with great care. I folded everything neatly and laid them in the drawer carefully.
This drawer feels strangely sacred. It is filled with items that I spent many hours searching for, items that will be used to care for myself post-op. I have worked really hard on myself to warrant the need for these items, and for that reason alone I know they are sacred. Sacred items for a uniquely special individual for monumental times. The existence of that drawer is a blessing just as my surgeries will be on my life and on my bright, shining future. I can hardly wait.
The main things I needed were button up shirts, button up PJs, tank tops with low cut arm pits and underwear. I am happy to say that I finally have all of these items. The button up shirts are hanging in my closet, having already been worn a few times to work. The button up PJs, tank tops and underwear have been washed and dryed and folded neatly.
I cleaned out a drawer yesterday and designated it my post-op surgery drawer. My PJs and tank tops are in it along with my "belly buster" which I will wear once my hysterectomy stitches heal, and my underwear are in a separate drawer. When I put my PJs, etc. into the drawer, I found myself doing so with great care. I folded everything neatly and laid them in the drawer carefully.
This drawer feels strangely sacred. It is filled with items that I spent many hours searching for, items that will be used to care for myself post-op. I have worked really hard on myself to warrant the need for these items, and for that reason alone I know they are sacred. Sacred items for a uniquely special individual for monumental times. The existence of that drawer is a blessing just as my surgeries will be on my life and on my bright, shining future. I can hardly wait.
My Last Mammogram Ever
There's nothing quite like having your breasts smooshed, smashed and pressed onto a plate of glass to make you super aware of them. I had a pre-op mammogram this morning. I have had one once before, and they are definitely not pleasant. They are nothing but awkward, uncomfortable and painful experiences.
To be perfectly honest, seeing my breasts pressed between two plates of glass kind of grossed me out. Looking at myself naked in the mirror is bad enough, but seeing my breast sprawled out in all its glory was sort of grotesque. I went into the appointment with an open mind and came out with my tail between my legs, eager to call my wife for some comfort. These two tumor like growths on my chest were flaunted at me this morning. "Look at what nature gave you that wasn't meant for you," the digital machine seemed to say mockingly. It was harsh.
I told my wife last night that I wasn't going to wear my binder to the appointment which was first thing this morning. She assumed it was because I would be showering and getting dressed just to drive somewhere and get undressed again. But it was mostly for different reasons. I felt self conscious going to a women's health center to get a mammogram of the breasts I've resented having since puberty. I felt like if I was going to get a mammogram I should walk into the office showing some signs of having breasts, so I just wore my sports bra without my binder.
It felt weird to be out and about without my binder on. I don't wear it to look male -- I wear it to look like myself. And I didn't feel like myself without it on -- I wasn't comfortable without it. Once the mammogram was over, I hurriedly went into the changing room and fought the fight to get myself into my binder. I put my shirt on over it, looked in the mirror, and smiled. I liked what I saw and I liked how I felt. I grabbed my bag and walked out into the lobby, thrilled that I would never again have to have a mammogram because it will soon be physically impossible to perform one on my soon to be flat chest. I'm sure the results will be normal and I will be one step closer to surgery day. Onward.
To be perfectly honest, seeing my breasts pressed between two plates of glass kind of grossed me out. Looking at myself naked in the mirror is bad enough, but seeing my breast sprawled out in all its glory was sort of grotesque. I went into the appointment with an open mind and came out with my tail between my legs, eager to call my wife for some comfort. These two tumor like growths on my chest were flaunted at me this morning. "Look at what nature gave you that wasn't meant for you," the digital machine seemed to say mockingly. It was harsh.
I told my wife last night that I wasn't going to wear my binder to the appointment which was first thing this morning. She assumed it was because I would be showering and getting dressed just to drive somewhere and get undressed again. But it was mostly for different reasons. I felt self conscious going to a women's health center to get a mammogram of the breasts I've resented having since puberty. I felt like if I was going to get a mammogram I should walk into the office showing some signs of having breasts, so I just wore my sports bra without my binder.
It felt weird to be out and about without my binder on. I don't wear it to look male -- I wear it to look like myself. And I didn't feel like myself without it on -- I wasn't comfortable without it. Once the mammogram was over, I hurriedly went into the changing room and fought the fight to get myself into my binder. I put my shirt on over it, looked in the mirror, and smiled. I liked what I saw and I liked how I felt. I grabbed my bag and walked out into the lobby, thrilled that I would never again have to have a mammogram because it will soon be physically impossible to perform one on my soon to be flat chest. I'm sure the results will be normal and I will be one step closer to surgery day. Onward.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Pondering Pride
Pride is definitely on my mind these days. While LA Pride is still 5 weeks away, my office and organization is very busy with preparations. LA Pride is a huge marketing opportunity for the Center, so everyone takes the details very seriously. It is humorous to me the things we have related meetings about: what games should we have in the festival booth, what fabric should we decorate the parade truck with, how many colors should be in the t-shirt design, etc.? When it comes to Pride, everything is important. All of the meetings and details and coordination leads up to the weekend when the Center and the LGBTQ community can be proud of who they are.
At one point in today's 2 1/2 hour meeting, I spaced out. Pride. This is something that is in many ways new to me. Until recently, my self pride was limited. Don't get me wrong. My self confidence was for the most part intact. I knew that I was a good human being, a good spouse, friend, coworker and family member. I knew that I was a nice, modest, approachable person with a good sense of humor. I was proud of who I was, but part of me was hidden, and because of this my pride could only extend so far.
Relating to something I wrote yesterday about being known, the process of coming out of hiding has helped strengthen the pride I have in myself and as a result the pride I have in others. I have made it a point to be known, for my true self to emerge and share its voice. With this has come a whole new sense of pride. And watching and experiencing how others have reacted to my coming out and being known, knowing that they hear me, know me, hold me and love me makes me 10,000 times more proud of each and every one of them. That sense of pride comes in knowing that although sometimes the content and details of who I am may be difficult to understand, people are still willing to work past their own discomfort and lack of knowledge and understanding and accept and embrace me for being me.
LA Pride weekend will be very busy for me, as I'll be working more than not. But I know that I will have a deeper appreciation for the concept of pride than I ever have before. Pride in my family and friends for loving me, supporting me and believing in me. Pride in my community for acting boldly and demanding tolerance and acceptance. Pride in myself for being true to who I am on the inside. This June I will not only celebrate LGBTQ pride, but I will also celebrate Ami Pride by having life changing surgeries, by continuing on this amazing path and journey and by getting on with my life so I can do and achieve many more things to be proud of. Pride is a theme I wish to establish in my life for the long haul, and I will be proud to have you on this journey with me.
At one point in today's 2 1/2 hour meeting, I spaced out. Pride. This is something that is in many ways new to me. Until recently, my self pride was limited. Don't get me wrong. My self confidence was for the most part intact. I knew that I was a good human being, a good spouse, friend, coworker and family member. I knew that I was a nice, modest, approachable person with a good sense of humor. I was proud of who I was, but part of me was hidden, and because of this my pride could only extend so far.
Relating to something I wrote yesterday about being known, the process of coming out of hiding has helped strengthen the pride I have in myself and as a result the pride I have in others. I have made it a point to be known, for my true self to emerge and share its voice. With this has come a whole new sense of pride. And watching and experiencing how others have reacted to my coming out and being known, knowing that they hear me, know me, hold me and love me makes me 10,000 times more proud of each and every one of them. That sense of pride comes in knowing that although sometimes the content and details of who I am may be difficult to understand, people are still willing to work past their own discomfort and lack of knowledge and understanding and accept and embrace me for being me.
LA Pride weekend will be very busy for me, as I'll be working more than not. But I know that I will have a deeper appreciation for the concept of pride than I ever have before. Pride in my family and friends for loving me, supporting me and believing in me. Pride in my community for acting boldly and demanding tolerance and acceptance. Pride in myself for being true to who I am on the inside. This June I will not only celebrate LGBTQ pride, but I will also celebrate Ami Pride by having life changing surgeries, by continuing on this amazing path and journey and by getting on with my life so I can do and achieve many more things to be proud of. Pride is a theme I wish to establish in my life for the long haul, and I will be proud to have you on this journey with me.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Working With Amazing Medical Professionals
I just got off the phone with Dr. Salomonson's office manager, Debbie. We scheduled my first post-op appointment for the Friday after surgery when I will hopefully get my drains out before the weekend. My plan is to move my arms and torso as little as possible those first few days to keep the swelling to a minimum. It would be so nice to get the drains out Friday instead of having to wait until the following week. Debbie is an incredibly nice, pleasant and helpful person. I have called her many times with many questions, and she is always so patient and professional with me. Dr. Salomonson responds consistently and quickly to emails I have sent her about the specifics of my chest surgery. I feel fortunate to have ended up with a doctor and office like this one.
Dr. Knox is an amazing human being and doctor. She was actually very instrumental in me getting my job at the Center, as she is on the board of directors. I think she is a gynecological and surgical genius. She seems to know everything about everything and is pretty darn modest about it. I look up to Dr. Knox for many reasons and consider her to be a role model. Her office staff are pretty awesome too. Manya, who coordinates Dr. Knox's surgeries, has been very helpful and responsive to my many questions and inquiries. I am grateful that they are a part of my health care team.
I've also dealt some with Saint John's Health Center where I will be having my surgeries. I have dealt with the Admissions and Financial Counseling office numerous times as I've worked on gathering financial information and various contact information. The people I have spoken with on the phone have all been pleasant and helpful.
I can't think of a bad experience I've had so far. I feel very fortunate and am very grateful that the medical professionals I am working with are treating me with such dignity, respect and courtesy. I hear so many horror stories about people's trials and tribulations navigating the American health care system. I'm still 6 weeks away from my surgeries, so bad things could still happen, but I don't think that they will. Very few logistical details still need my attention, so I just can't imagine anything horrible happening. I expect that people will continue to be helpful and that my pre-op appointments will go smoothly as long as I come prepared with all of my questions and concerns. Saint John's has an excellent reputation, so I expect surgery day to run smoothly as well. If, when this is all said and done, I can talk about a truly positive experience with the American health care system, I will be so, so lucky. But I know that I have to continue to do my part and be a responsible patient.
Dr. Knox is an amazing human being and doctor. She was actually very instrumental in me getting my job at the Center, as she is on the board of directors. I think she is a gynecological and surgical genius. She seems to know everything about everything and is pretty darn modest about it. I look up to Dr. Knox for many reasons and consider her to be a role model. Her office staff are pretty awesome too. Manya, who coordinates Dr. Knox's surgeries, has been very helpful and responsive to my many questions and inquiries. I am grateful that they are a part of my health care team.
I've also dealt some with Saint John's Health Center where I will be having my surgeries. I have dealt with the Admissions and Financial Counseling office numerous times as I've worked on gathering financial information and various contact information. The people I have spoken with on the phone have all been pleasant and helpful.
I can't think of a bad experience I've had so far. I feel very fortunate and am very grateful that the medical professionals I am working with are treating me with such dignity, respect and courtesy. I hear so many horror stories about people's trials and tribulations navigating the American health care system. I'm still 6 weeks away from my surgeries, so bad things could still happen, but I don't think that they will. Very few logistical details still need my attention, so I just can't imagine anything horrible happening. I expect that people will continue to be helpful and that my pre-op appointments will go smoothly as long as I come prepared with all of my questions and concerns. Saint John's has an excellent reputation, so I expect surgery day to run smoothly as well. If, when this is all said and done, I can talk about a truly positive experience with the American health care system, I will be so, so lucky. But I know that I have to continue to do my part and be a responsible patient.
Left Brain vs. Right Brain
Logical vs. random. Rational vs. intuitive. Analytical vs. holistic. Objective vs. subjective. Parts vs. wholes. I want the latter, please.
I've noticed lately that I have been operating under the auspices of my left brain far more than that of my right brain. As a person who is very emotional, sensitive and vulnerable by nature, living this way has been extremely difficult on me. I am so focused on details and logistics, and it is easier to deal with those things from the left brain. But I know that there are a lot of emotions I am not feeling right now. When I think and analyze as frequently as I have been, there is no time or room to feel emotion. Where did my emotion, sensitivity and vulnerability go? Pretty soon, I am going to run out of details and logistics. What then? Will I feel again? Will my creative spirit reemerge? Earlier I was rereading some of the posts I wrote on the blog I kept when living in Israel. While some were straightforward and detail oriented, most were creative and free spirited and charged with emotion and vulnerability. I want that back. I worry that I will stay left brained up to the time of surgery and then make a massive switch to my right brain post-op and be an emotional wreck. Not because I would regret having had the surgeries, but rather because I would no longer have something tangible and concrete on which to focus my thoughts and energy. I would be left to feel. I expressed this fear to my therapist today at the end of my session, and she responded by telling me that we are slowly, together, finding the vulnerability and that I will reunite with my emotion. I just hope it comes sooner rather than later. Living from my left brain feels so foreign to me; it is an uncomfortable way for me to interact with the world.
One thing that I think is going to help reunite me with my old self is this blog. The more I write, the more I see how truly left brained I am being, and the more it bothers me. By continually exposing myself -- my thoughts, feelings, and emotions -- I make myself more and more vulnerable, a familiar state of being. Maybe by blogging I can get all of the left brained stuff sorted out and down on paper and can then focus on the creative and emotional part of myself. Ultimately what I want to happen through this blog is for me -- Ami -- to be truly known. That is what I have been working so hard on of late. By writing and emailing and sharing my journey and private thoughts, I am making myself known -- the whole of me, the left brain and the right brain. I have a deep, innate need to be known right now. I suppose it is a reaction to keeping my true nature and self a secret for so many years, to both myself and to others. I found my voice and now I want to use it. I want to proudly and humbly tell people who I am so they can truly know me. To be truly known, and to still be truly loved, supported and held, is a beautiful thing, and it is an important process that I have been focusing on these past months by sending out letters and emails and by posting blogs. Hear me, know me, hold me and love me. That's all I ask and is all that I need.
I've noticed lately that I have been operating under the auspices of my left brain far more than that of my right brain. As a person who is very emotional, sensitive and vulnerable by nature, living this way has been extremely difficult on me. I am so focused on details and logistics, and it is easier to deal with those things from the left brain. But I know that there are a lot of emotions I am not feeling right now. When I think and analyze as frequently as I have been, there is no time or room to feel emotion. Where did my emotion, sensitivity and vulnerability go? Pretty soon, I am going to run out of details and logistics. What then? Will I feel again? Will my creative spirit reemerge? Earlier I was rereading some of the posts I wrote on the blog I kept when living in Israel. While some were straightforward and detail oriented, most were creative and free spirited and charged with emotion and vulnerability. I want that back. I worry that I will stay left brained up to the time of surgery and then make a massive switch to my right brain post-op and be an emotional wreck. Not because I would regret having had the surgeries, but rather because I would no longer have something tangible and concrete on which to focus my thoughts and energy. I would be left to feel. I expressed this fear to my therapist today at the end of my session, and she responded by telling me that we are slowly, together, finding the vulnerability and that I will reunite with my emotion. I just hope it comes sooner rather than later. Living from my left brain feels so foreign to me; it is an uncomfortable way for me to interact with the world.
One thing that I think is going to help reunite me with my old self is this blog. The more I write, the more I see how truly left brained I am being, and the more it bothers me. By continually exposing myself -- my thoughts, feelings, and emotions -- I make myself more and more vulnerable, a familiar state of being. Maybe by blogging I can get all of the left brained stuff sorted out and down on paper and can then focus on the creative and emotional part of myself. Ultimately what I want to happen through this blog is for me -- Ami -- to be truly known. That is what I have been working so hard on of late. By writing and emailing and sharing my journey and private thoughts, I am making myself known -- the whole of me, the left brain and the right brain. I have a deep, innate need to be known right now. I suppose it is a reaction to keeping my true nature and self a secret for so many years, to both myself and to others. I found my voice and now I want to use it. I want to proudly and humbly tell people who I am so they can truly know me. To be truly known, and to still be truly loved, supported and held, is a beautiful thing, and it is an important process that I have been focusing on these past months by sending out letters and emails and by posting blogs. Hear me, know me, hold me and love me. That's all I ask and is all that I need.
Work Details Are Falling Into Place
I found out when I got to work this morning that my supervisor has been talking to the HR supervisor for me regarding my time away from work for my surgeries. I had requested that I be put on unpaid leave and be allowed to keep my sick and vacation days rather than go in the hole. The reasons for this are simple. I want to keep some sick leave in case my first few weeks back to work I am extremely fatigued and need to take a half day or a whole day off here and there. I also know exactly what leave I need to take through the end of the year, and I want to have days for that. There will be no trips to Hawaii or Santa Fe, unfortunately, just family and religious obligations. And when I say obligations, I mean it in the best sense of the word. I get the pleasure of seeing my sister-in-law graduate from her doctorate of audiology program next weekend. I will get to meet my new niece/nephew Labor Day weekend and spend time with my sister and brother-in-law. The high holidays arrive in September, and I hope to spend the week of Thanksgiving in West Virginia visiting home and family for what will be the first time in one year and four months.
As a full time, exempt employee of the Center, my probationary period lasts for 6 months. They are willing to put me on unpaid leave as long as I agree to extend my probationary period by the amount of time I am out of the office on leave. This seems perfectly fair to me and makes total sense. It just means I will be on probation through the end of October, but that's okay. I work hard and am dedicated to my job and to the organization, so being on probation longer doesn't intimidate me. I joked with my boss that now I have to behave myself for longer than I thought I would have to. She appreciated the humor. HR will draft some type of paperwork that I will have to sign to make it all official, and they are working on that right now.
I feel less anxious now that the work details are being tended to. I feel a certain amount of guilt for having to take 4-6 weeks off from work. No sooner will my coworkers have gotten used to having me here and then I disappear for a chunk of time. But I know I did this the responsible way. I am waiting until after LA Pride to have my surgeries. My department is heavily involved in the preparation for Pride, and it is important that I am here to help as much as possible. Things will be very quiet until the beginning of August when we gear up for a big fundraiser. So it is the perfect time to be gone. I talked to my boss about needing to have surgery openly and honestly, and she came back with nothing but concern and support. I have made sure and will continue to make sure that my absence does not negatively affect my department and immediate coworkers, and knowing that this has been done and that I have the full support of my coworkers will help me in my recovery, and I am grateful for that.
As a full time, exempt employee of the Center, my probationary period lasts for 6 months. They are willing to put me on unpaid leave as long as I agree to extend my probationary period by the amount of time I am out of the office on leave. This seems perfectly fair to me and makes total sense. It just means I will be on probation through the end of October, but that's okay. I work hard and am dedicated to my job and to the organization, so being on probation longer doesn't intimidate me. I joked with my boss that now I have to behave myself for longer than I thought I would have to. She appreciated the humor. HR will draft some type of paperwork that I will have to sign to make it all official, and they are working on that right now.
I feel less anxious now that the work details are being tended to. I feel a certain amount of guilt for having to take 4-6 weeks off from work. No sooner will my coworkers have gotten used to having me here and then I disappear for a chunk of time. But I know I did this the responsible way. I am waiting until after LA Pride to have my surgeries. My department is heavily involved in the preparation for Pride, and it is important that I am here to help as much as possible. Things will be very quiet until the beginning of August when we gear up for a big fundraiser. So it is the perfect time to be gone. I talked to my boss about needing to have surgery openly and honestly, and she came back with nothing but concern and support. I have made sure and will continue to make sure that my absence does not negatively affect my department and immediate coworkers, and knowing that this has been done and that I have the full support of my coworkers will help me in my recovery, and I am grateful for that.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Hyster Sisters, For Lack of a Better Name
So when I found out that I was going to have to have a hysterectomy, I started researching on the internet about hysterectomies. Everything kept coming up from the HysterSisters website. Wow, what an annoying name! I know it's clever because it rhymes and everything, but what if you don't consider yourself a HysterSister?! I begrudgingly joined.
Excessively gendered language grates on my nerves quite a bit. Ladies. Gals. Maam. Etc. I can do without the niceties and politeness, as I don't relate to those words at all. I'm into more gender neutral language and wish that it were used more regularly in our society, but alas, I think it will be a while before that happens. I don't correct people if they lump me in with the ladies or refer to me as maam, just as I don't say anything when I get called he or sir by someone. I wish I could honestly say that they're just words, but language has such a strong hold on our society. I hope that someday gender will have been deconstructed and that there will be more pronoun and general language choices for people to use for the very genderqueer world that I envision existing.
Not surprisingly, the HysterSisters website is sexist and heterosexist. It is assumed that all of the women have a husband and that they are cookie cutter, ultra feminine, right out of the box women. But darn it if the website isn't one of the best! It's chock full of chat rooms, message threads, articles, resources, etc. that tells one everything there is to know about having a hysterectomy. If I had the time and the resources, I'd start a website called HysterBois or HysterTrannys or something like that. I know it doesn't rhyme and therefore lacks the "catchy and cute" effect that HysterSisters has, but it sure does allow for the existence of the many female bodied people who do not feel comfortable in a sexist and heterosexist environment. And you can't tell me that there aren't a lot of gender variant, transgender, single, masculine, very much not in the box women out there who have to get hysterectomies.
I spent time on HysterSisters, but I haven't been on in a while. I think I could easily make myself crazy with the gathering of any and all information relating to hysterectomies. Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to be anxious and that I have the capacity to be neurotic, so I have to monitor things like information gathering. And I may have to have a unilateral (and hopefully not bilateral) oopherectomy (removal of ovary), so don't even let me get started on that. In some cases, all I can do is trust my doctor and trust that ignorance is bliss.
If you can think of something as clever as HysterSisters to go with Oopher, you'll win major brownie points in my book :)
Excessively gendered language grates on my nerves quite a bit. Ladies. Gals. Maam. Etc. I can do without the niceties and politeness, as I don't relate to those words at all. I'm into more gender neutral language and wish that it were used more regularly in our society, but alas, I think it will be a while before that happens. I don't correct people if they lump me in with the ladies or refer to me as maam, just as I don't say anything when I get called he or sir by someone. I wish I could honestly say that they're just words, but language has such a strong hold on our society. I hope that someday gender will have been deconstructed and that there will be more pronoun and general language choices for people to use for the very genderqueer world that I envision existing.
Not surprisingly, the HysterSisters website is sexist and heterosexist. It is assumed that all of the women have a husband and that they are cookie cutter, ultra feminine, right out of the box women. But darn it if the website isn't one of the best! It's chock full of chat rooms, message threads, articles, resources, etc. that tells one everything there is to know about having a hysterectomy. If I had the time and the resources, I'd start a website called HysterBois or HysterTrannys or something like that. I know it doesn't rhyme and therefore lacks the "catchy and cute" effect that HysterSisters has, but it sure does allow for the existence of the many female bodied people who do not feel comfortable in a sexist and heterosexist environment. And you can't tell me that there aren't a lot of gender variant, transgender, single, masculine, very much not in the box women out there who have to get hysterectomies.
I spent time on HysterSisters, but I haven't been on in a while. I think I could easily make myself crazy with the gathering of any and all information relating to hysterectomies. Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to be anxious and that I have the capacity to be neurotic, so I have to monitor things like information gathering. And I may have to have a unilateral (and hopefully not bilateral) oopherectomy (removal of ovary), so don't even let me get started on that. In some cases, all I can do is trust my doctor and trust that ignorance is bliss.
If you can think of something as clever as HysterSisters to go with Oopher, you'll win major brownie points in my book :)
Annoying Details
I want nothing more than to be done with all of the annoying little details associated with my surgeries. My PJs and undies have shipped but have yet to turn up where I had them delivered. Will my wife's schedule allow for her to collect the packages? I spent a whole Saturday afternoon searching for the perfect PJs, and I finally found them at JC Penny, but they didn't have the short sleeved in my size in stock at the store so I had to order them. I want that task to be fully completed, meaning I want the PJs in my possession. The same goes for my undies. I searched and searched online for the least girlie women's underwear in my size, and when I finally found them they were temporarily out of stock, so they were back ordered. Supposedly they have shipped as well, and I want this task to be fully completed as well. It's just bugging me that they aren't already washed and dryed, folded nicely and put in a drawer with my new "belly buster" and the tank tops I bought for my post-op days in case it's really hot. One other thing that I've been wanting to buy is a lap table for when I'm in bed or on the couch so that I have something to put my laptop on in case I have an abdominal hysterectomy and it hurts to put it directly on me. The problem is I'm a bit on the wide side, so I don't know if commonly made ones will fit over me. I was going to order one from Amazon but decided thanks to my wife's advice that I should go to Bed, Bath and Beyond and try one on, so to speak, to make sure it fits over me properly. I hope to do that this week. BB&B is close to my home, and it would be one more thing I could check off of my to-do list.
And trying to figure out my hematology and lab work appointments is turning out to be a lot more complicated than it seems like it needs to be. My gynecologist's (Dr. Knox) office called today to discuss the deposit I am required to pay on the day of my pre-op appointment. They told me that my hematologist's (Dr. Terpenning) office called and said that they don't do pre-op bloodwork. The problem is that I need a medical clearance from Dr. Terpenning for surgery because I have some clotting factors that put me at a higher risk for blood clots, especially post-op. The clearance has to come within 90 days of surgery, and I saw her at the end of March which puts me within the 90 day mark. Dr. Terpenning gave me clearance at that appointment, but Dr. Knox may require blood work that was not done on that day. But Dr. Knox is out of the office until next Monday, so I have to try and wait patiently for this to be figured out. Something tells me I'm going to need to see the hematologist again, but the office won't let me make an appointment until the confusion is cleared up. I know *exactly* when I would want this appointment to be, yet I can't make the appointment for at least another week. Meanwhile, I called my chest surgeon's (Dr. Salomonson) office and requested that they mail me the lab slip for the pre-op blood work that she requires. I also asked them what lab they use in case I end up getting everything there and not at my hematologists office. All of my pre-op and post-op appointments are scheduled except for those relating to lab work, and it is annoying me that those cannot be scheduled. My first post-op chest surgery appointment has not been made, but I assume that they will schedule that at my pre-op and that it will be about one week post-op. I won't be doing anything but recovering, so I can go get my drains out and bandages off whenever the doctor wants me to do it.
Taking care of all of the details and logistics makes me feel a lot better, and so for just a few things to be incomplete is simply irritating. I don't know if it is a control thing or an anxiety thing or what. I think it's good to be on top of things, but if I'm too neurotic about it then it's not very good. And it wouldn't be good if I were totally lax and apathetic about everything, because everything does in fact have to get done at some point, so better now than later, right?! I just keep waiting for that point to come when everything that can be done is done and I can just relax and wait, enjoy each day and be thankful every night that I am one day closer to having my surgeries.
And trying to figure out my hematology and lab work appointments is turning out to be a lot more complicated than it seems like it needs to be. My gynecologist's (Dr. Knox) office called today to discuss the deposit I am required to pay on the day of my pre-op appointment. They told me that my hematologist's (Dr. Terpenning) office called and said that they don't do pre-op bloodwork. The problem is that I need a medical clearance from Dr. Terpenning for surgery because I have some clotting factors that put me at a higher risk for blood clots, especially post-op. The clearance has to come within 90 days of surgery, and I saw her at the end of March which puts me within the 90 day mark. Dr. Terpenning gave me clearance at that appointment, but Dr. Knox may require blood work that was not done on that day. But Dr. Knox is out of the office until next Monday, so I have to try and wait patiently for this to be figured out. Something tells me I'm going to need to see the hematologist again, but the office won't let me make an appointment until the confusion is cleared up. I know *exactly* when I would want this appointment to be, yet I can't make the appointment for at least another week. Meanwhile, I called my chest surgeon's (Dr. Salomonson) office and requested that they mail me the lab slip for the pre-op blood work that she requires. I also asked them what lab they use in case I end up getting everything there and not at my hematologists office. All of my pre-op and post-op appointments are scheduled except for those relating to lab work, and it is annoying me that those cannot be scheduled. My first post-op chest surgery appointment has not been made, but I assume that they will schedule that at my pre-op and that it will be about one week post-op. I won't be doing anything but recovering, so I can go get my drains out and bandages off whenever the doctor wants me to do it.
Taking care of all of the details and logistics makes me feel a lot better, and so for just a few things to be incomplete is simply irritating. I don't know if it is a control thing or an anxiety thing or what. I think it's good to be on top of things, but if I'm too neurotic about it then it's not very good. And it wouldn't be good if I were totally lax and apathetic about everything, because everything does in fact have to get done at some point, so better now than later, right?! I just keep waiting for that point to come when everything that can be done is done and I can just relax and wait, enjoy each day and be thankful every night that I am one day closer to having my surgeries.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
My Gender Journey
People ask me when I knew that I was transgenderqueer (I combine transgender and genderqueer into one word because I think it best describes me), and my response is that I've known since I was a little kid that I was different, that I was an other, but that I hadn't, for the most part, been talking about it seriously or acting on anything related to it prior to living in Israel. I definitely knew at puberty that something was really wrong, that something terrible was happening, when I got my period and started growing breasts. If I had to give my gender journey a name, it would definitely be "the journey of a boy who will never grow up to be a man." And that's truly how I feel, like a boy who will never grow up to be a man, hence why I don't want to go on testosterone and fully transition. The whole "boy" thing is sort of metaphorical (I'm obviously not really a boy), and I'm still working on figuring the meaning of that one out. I guess when I think about it, post June 16th, my body will be returning to its pre-pubescent state (no breasts, no period), which was the last time I felt at home in it. My true self, my being true to who I am inside, my coming home to myself and to my body, will happen by becoming physically more androgynous and remaining the proud s/he that I am.
I do believe that Israel was life changing for me. I think there was something about being in such a gendered, dichotomous and black and white society for 13 months that pushed me the other way, that forced me to see that I didn't fit into either gender box. And somehow, some way, I found my voice in Israel, and I began using it, slowly but surely. And when we got to LA, I really began to use it. Now it's kind of hard for me to shut up!
I think it was the first weekend that my wife went to her student pulpit in September, 2008 that I spent the whole weekend online reading and watching everything I could about gender identity and transitioning, etc. I knew by the early hours of Sunday morning that I wanted to have chest surgery and to have a hysterectomy, regardless of whether it would be medically necessary or not. I knew that the feeling of not being at home in my body was due to body dysphoria caused by having a period and having breasts. I had found the word genderqueer and strongly identified with it. I began seeing myself as transgender. I knew that I wanted to start binding my chest and cut my hair off. No more hiding behind the haircut I got in Israel -- short in the back but long in the front. I was hiding behind the long part. I knew when I cut my hair completely off I would be coming out. When my wife got home I hesitantly told her about my weekend and about my revelations. She hesitantly and cautiously listened and accepted what I was telling her.
After the high holidays, I ordered my binders and began to bind my chest. As uncomfortable and HOT as it is to bind, it felt and feels great, because I like the results, I like having a flat chest. I went in for my haircut. The first one was a longish short hair cut. I went back a few days later, braver, and got it cut shorter. 2 weeks later I went back yet again and got it cut to my satisfaction. It's stayed short ever since. I decided that just because I look androgynous or like a man with my chest bound and my hair short and my men's clothes doesn't mean I shouldn't do and wear those things just because I was assigned female at birth. I knew that I had to start being true to myself, and I knew that the more I was true to myself, the happier I became. What a revelation!
It's basically been 7 months since my gender journey really kicked in. I began binding, I cut my hair off, I began wearing exclusively men's clothes, I began coming out to people as being transgenderqueer. I began being me. I used my new found voice more and more. I found out I needed a hysterectomy for medical reasons and moved my chest surgery date up pretty significantly so that I could have both procedures at the same time. I saw the doctors I needed to see to make the two surgeries I wanted actually happen. I found the pride and strength to come out en mass to my family and friends, and the responses were amazing and made me more proud and more strong. I'm out at work and am going to join the newly forming transgender advisory board. I spoke up when they changed the gender neutral bathrooms at my work location back to gender specific bathrooms, explaining to them that gender specific bathrooms are not safe or comfortable for me and other trans and genderqueer people. And my organization is looking for a solution because I and others spoke up!
This past Friday night, I was working a big gala fundraiser event called "A Night With Women." It was attended by probably 75% women and probably 90% LGBT. I was really nervous to be at an event with so many lesbians, because I'm usually really uncomfortable around lesbians en mass, because I feel like there's a lot of posturing and sizing up, and I guess I feel like I don't meaure up to how I'm being labeled based on my looks -- as a butch lesbian. I'm not really butch aside from my appearance, and I don't really like the word lesbian, although based on the fact that my sex is female and I am married to a woman, I accept it on a certain level as a label to describe me. Maybe it was because I was working and was distracted by all of my responsibilities, but I faired well Friday night. I felt strong and confident in who I am and walked with my head held high. I was particularly struck by the older butch lesbians who were there decked out in their suits and ties, with their greying short hair cuts. Part of me saw myself 30 years from now when I looked at them, but then I would look at their big breasts and question that. What separates me from butch lesbians? I consider myself transgenderqueer, for one thing, only partly a woman, and in many ways like a third gender, neither man or woman. I have body dysphoria and am having surgery to correct it. But like my wife said, if those older butch lesbians who I look like a younger version of could come of age now, maybe they'd opt for chest surgery too, since it's an option now and wasn't then, so maybe I'm not so different. Until Friday night I had been feeling excluded from lesbian and womens communities because I feared that my genderqueerness made me too different to have a place in them, but I am beginning to think that was self inflicted. As long as I consider part of myself to be a woman, or as long as I have estrogen running through me, I belong in women's spaces. I have a deep connection with women, and I never want to lose that.
Someone I was working with Friday night commented on a woman who walked into the event, saying that she looked like a man, that maybe she was in transition. I said, yeah, well, I look like a guy. And she said that I didn't. She said I just look like a butch. I was kind of flattered. I always assume that people think I'm a guy or that I look like a guy, so the fact that she said I just look butch felt kind of good. And there was a college kid there volunteering. Alex. She really looked like a teenage boy. She was cute and sweet and nice and we had a connection. Apparently at one point I had left the room that was being set up and Alex said "Where'd that nice butch woman go?" So when I came back in everyone was like "Hey, there's the nice butch woman," and my wife told me the story. I was kind of flattered, and it was as if Alex looked at me like a role model, and that felt really good.
My identity journey is old in that I've known since I was a kid that I'm different, but major movement has only happened this past year. Every week has brought awareness, changes, transformation, enlightenment. Look at Friday night and how enlightening it was for me. It's crazy how intense this all has been and continues to be. And I am so young, figuratively and literally. It is exciting to see what life will bring me, where this gender journey will take me. I am so excited for June 16th and my surgeries. Then I can get on with my life. People who I met in Israel and who are also here in LA have commented on how much happier and well spoken I am now than when they first met me. I told my mom the other night that I'm a much happier person now that I'm out to myself and to family and friends and work. That being true to myself is an amazing way to live, that my surgeries are necessary to help rid me of the body dysphoria so I can focus on better and happier things. My relationship with my wife is better than it ever has been. We are open and honest with each other, and she truly knows me in a way that she never has before. As fast as this gender journey has happened, it's happened slow enough for her to keep up and adjust to new things and to understand where I am on my path. Every part of our relationship is better. It's really crazy how openness and communication makes things so healthy and special between two people. Life isn't perfect, but things are still good, and it's awesome to be able to say that.
I'm currently reading my third Leslie Feinberg book -- Trans Liberation. It's an amazing non-fiction book, a collection of Leslie's speeches and such. Like all of Leslie's books that I've read, I relate so much to what sie says. In the first speech, Leslie had introduced hirself (sie and hirself are gender neutral language) to the audience of male heterosexual cross-dresssers as "I am a masculine, lesbian, female-to-male cross-dresser and transgenderist." Hmmm...that about sums this boy's journey up.
I do believe that Israel was life changing for me. I think there was something about being in such a gendered, dichotomous and black and white society for 13 months that pushed me the other way, that forced me to see that I didn't fit into either gender box. And somehow, some way, I found my voice in Israel, and I began using it, slowly but surely. And when we got to LA, I really began to use it. Now it's kind of hard for me to shut up!
I think it was the first weekend that my wife went to her student pulpit in September, 2008 that I spent the whole weekend online reading and watching everything I could about gender identity and transitioning, etc. I knew by the early hours of Sunday morning that I wanted to have chest surgery and to have a hysterectomy, regardless of whether it would be medically necessary or not. I knew that the feeling of not being at home in my body was due to body dysphoria caused by having a period and having breasts. I had found the word genderqueer and strongly identified with it. I began seeing myself as transgender. I knew that I wanted to start binding my chest and cut my hair off. No more hiding behind the haircut I got in Israel -- short in the back but long in the front. I was hiding behind the long part. I knew when I cut my hair completely off I would be coming out. When my wife got home I hesitantly told her about my weekend and about my revelations. She hesitantly and cautiously listened and accepted what I was telling her.
After the high holidays, I ordered my binders and began to bind my chest. As uncomfortable and HOT as it is to bind, it felt and feels great, because I like the results, I like having a flat chest. I went in for my haircut. The first one was a longish short hair cut. I went back a few days later, braver, and got it cut shorter. 2 weeks later I went back yet again and got it cut to my satisfaction. It's stayed short ever since. I decided that just because I look androgynous or like a man with my chest bound and my hair short and my men's clothes doesn't mean I shouldn't do and wear those things just because I was assigned female at birth. I knew that I had to start being true to myself, and I knew that the more I was true to myself, the happier I became. What a revelation!
It's basically been 7 months since my gender journey really kicked in. I began binding, I cut my hair off, I began wearing exclusively men's clothes, I began coming out to people as being transgenderqueer. I began being me. I used my new found voice more and more. I found out I needed a hysterectomy for medical reasons and moved my chest surgery date up pretty significantly so that I could have both procedures at the same time. I saw the doctors I needed to see to make the two surgeries I wanted actually happen. I found the pride and strength to come out en mass to my family and friends, and the responses were amazing and made me more proud and more strong. I'm out at work and am going to join the newly forming transgender advisory board. I spoke up when they changed the gender neutral bathrooms at my work location back to gender specific bathrooms, explaining to them that gender specific bathrooms are not safe or comfortable for me and other trans and genderqueer people. And my organization is looking for a solution because I and others spoke up!
This past Friday night, I was working a big gala fundraiser event called "A Night With Women." It was attended by probably 75% women and probably 90% LGBT. I was really nervous to be at an event with so many lesbians, because I'm usually really uncomfortable around lesbians en mass, because I feel like there's a lot of posturing and sizing up, and I guess I feel like I don't meaure up to how I'm being labeled based on my looks -- as a butch lesbian. I'm not really butch aside from my appearance, and I don't really like the word lesbian, although based on the fact that my sex is female and I am married to a woman, I accept it on a certain level as a label to describe me. Maybe it was because I was working and was distracted by all of my responsibilities, but I faired well Friday night. I felt strong and confident in who I am and walked with my head held high. I was particularly struck by the older butch lesbians who were there decked out in their suits and ties, with their greying short hair cuts. Part of me saw myself 30 years from now when I looked at them, but then I would look at their big breasts and question that. What separates me from butch lesbians? I consider myself transgenderqueer, for one thing, only partly a woman, and in many ways like a third gender, neither man or woman. I have body dysphoria and am having surgery to correct it. But like my wife said, if those older butch lesbians who I look like a younger version of could come of age now, maybe they'd opt for chest surgery too, since it's an option now and wasn't then, so maybe I'm not so different. Until Friday night I had been feeling excluded from lesbian and womens communities because I feared that my genderqueerness made me too different to have a place in them, but I am beginning to think that was self inflicted. As long as I consider part of myself to be a woman, or as long as I have estrogen running through me, I belong in women's spaces. I have a deep connection with women, and I never want to lose that.
Someone I was working with Friday night commented on a woman who walked into the event, saying that she looked like a man, that maybe she was in transition. I said, yeah, well, I look like a guy. And she said that I didn't. She said I just look like a butch. I was kind of flattered. I always assume that people think I'm a guy or that I look like a guy, so the fact that she said I just look butch felt kind of good. And there was a college kid there volunteering. Alex. She really looked like a teenage boy. She was cute and sweet and nice and we had a connection. Apparently at one point I had left the room that was being set up and Alex said "Where'd that nice butch woman go?" So when I came back in everyone was like "Hey, there's the nice butch woman," and my wife told me the story. I was kind of flattered, and it was as if Alex looked at me like a role model, and that felt really good.
My identity journey is old in that I've known since I was a kid that I'm different, but major movement has only happened this past year. Every week has brought awareness, changes, transformation, enlightenment. Look at Friday night and how enlightening it was for me. It's crazy how intense this all has been and continues to be. And I am so young, figuratively and literally. It is exciting to see what life will bring me, where this gender journey will take me. I am so excited for June 16th and my surgeries. Then I can get on with my life. People who I met in Israel and who are also here in LA have commented on how much happier and well spoken I am now than when they first met me. I told my mom the other night that I'm a much happier person now that I'm out to myself and to family and friends and work. That being true to myself is an amazing way to live, that my surgeries are necessary to help rid me of the body dysphoria so I can focus on better and happier things. My relationship with my wife is better than it ever has been. We are open and honest with each other, and she truly knows me in a way that she never has before. As fast as this gender journey has happened, it's happened slow enough for her to keep up and adjust to new things and to understand where I am on my path. Every part of our relationship is better. It's really crazy how openness and communication makes things so healthy and special between two people. Life isn't perfect, but things are still good, and it's awesome to be able to say that.
I'm currently reading my third Leslie Feinberg book -- Trans Liberation. It's an amazing non-fiction book, a collection of Leslie's speeches and such. Like all of Leslie's books that I've read, I relate so much to what sie says. In the first speech, Leslie had introduced hirself (sie and hirself are gender neutral language) to the audience of male heterosexual cross-dresssers as "I am a masculine, lesbian, female-to-male cross-dresser and transgenderist." Hmmm...that about sums this boy's journey up.
Introduction
Hello, my name is Ami, and I identify as transgenderqueer. I am starting this blog for two reasons. The first is that I love to write. The second is that on June 16th, I will be undergoing a major life change by having a radical breast reduction and a hysterectomy. While the hysterectomy is also medically necessary, I am having it and chest surgery so that I will finally feel at home in my body again. I have not felt at home in my body since before puberty when I began growing breasts and started menstruating.
I am currently 6 weeks and 2 days away from my surgeries. Yesterday was 6 weeks away from my last day of work until I am recovered. Today is 6 weeks away from when my mom arrives in LA for 2 1/2 weeks to help take care of me post-op. Monday will be 6 weeks away from my pre-op appointment with my chest surgeon, and Tuesday at 7am will be 6 weeks away from when I arrive at the hospital to check in and prepare for surgery. Can you tell at all that I'm counting every second?!
I have a lot of impatience mixed with anxiety and eagerness, and it is starting to take a toll on me. I know that more than anything I need to prepare myself physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually for these surgeries, but it is hard to stay focused and in the moment. Someone told me recently that more than anything I need to be at peace when I go in for surgery, and I am far from that right now. So I know what I need to do, it's just a matter of doing it.
I am preparing myself logistically. I bought short sleeve button-up PJs to wear around the house immediately post-op when I can't really raise my arms. I also bought some button up shirts for if I go out of the house. Since I will be bleeding/draining from the hysterectomy for a few weeks, I had to buy women's underwear again so I can wear liners -- I even bought the liners already. Since I have a big ole tummy, I bought a girdle type thing to wear to help me suck it all in and look more even with my flat chest. It will probably help my abdomen feel better as well. My pre-op and post-op appointments are almost made. I still have to schedule with my hematologist for pre-op bloodwork.
Now that I have the logistical things taken care of, I need to be focusing on myself and preparing myself in the ways I mentioned earlier. It is easier said than done. I have been feeling a bit neurotic about the details of the surgeries, and this is making it impossible for me to relax and find peace of mind. Will my chest be flat enough? What do I do about my nipples? How will I be on a clear liquid diet for 2 days pre-op when I am working outside at LA Pride those days? Will I shower the night before surgery or will I shower the morning of surgery? I am killing myself with these little nit picky questions and details. It's really quite ridiculous, I realize, but I just can't seem to move past them. I have 6 weeks still, and it seems like a really long time, but I know that it will go by quickly. I have to believe that I have these 6 weeks for a reason, and that it is just the right amount of time. Any less would not be enough and any more would be too much.
How do I stay present when there is so much to look forward to? How do I find peace of mind when there is so much to be excited about? The answers will surely come.
I am currently 6 weeks and 2 days away from my surgeries. Yesterday was 6 weeks away from my last day of work until I am recovered. Today is 6 weeks away from when my mom arrives in LA for 2 1/2 weeks to help take care of me post-op. Monday will be 6 weeks away from my pre-op appointment with my chest surgeon, and Tuesday at 7am will be 6 weeks away from when I arrive at the hospital to check in and prepare for surgery. Can you tell at all that I'm counting every second?!
I have a lot of impatience mixed with anxiety and eagerness, and it is starting to take a toll on me. I know that more than anything I need to prepare myself physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually for these surgeries, but it is hard to stay focused and in the moment. Someone told me recently that more than anything I need to be at peace when I go in for surgery, and I am far from that right now. So I know what I need to do, it's just a matter of doing it.
I am preparing myself logistically. I bought short sleeve button-up PJs to wear around the house immediately post-op when I can't really raise my arms. I also bought some button up shirts for if I go out of the house. Since I will be bleeding/draining from the hysterectomy for a few weeks, I had to buy women's underwear again so I can wear liners -- I even bought the liners already. Since I have a big ole tummy, I bought a girdle type thing to wear to help me suck it all in and look more even with my flat chest. It will probably help my abdomen feel better as well. My pre-op and post-op appointments are almost made. I still have to schedule with my hematologist for pre-op bloodwork.
Now that I have the logistical things taken care of, I need to be focusing on myself and preparing myself in the ways I mentioned earlier. It is easier said than done. I have been feeling a bit neurotic about the details of the surgeries, and this is making it impossible for me to relax and find peace of mind. Will my chest be flat enough? What do I do about my nipples? How will I be on a clear liquid diet for 2 days pre-op when I am working outside at LA Pride those days? Will I shower the night before surgery or will I shower the morning of surgery? I am killing myself with these little nit picky questions and details. It's really quite ridiculous, I realize, but I just can't seem to move past them. I have 6 weeks still, and it seems like a really long time, but I know that it will go by quickly. I have to believe that I have these 6 weeks for a reason, and that it is just the right amount of time. Any less would not be enough and any more would be too much.
How do I stay present when there is so much to look forward to? How do I find peace of mind when there is so much to be excited about? The answers will surely come.
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