Let me preface this by saying that I never, ever make pros/cons lists. Ever.
Cons for keeping my nipples:
1. Even with all of the breast tissue removed, there is still a 3-5% chance that I could develop breast cancer if I keep my nipples.
2. My nipples could die, meaning they would scab up and gradually flake off.
3. My nipples could look unnatural.
4. My nipples could be slightly uneven which would drive me bonkers!
Pros for keeping my nipples:
1. I would look "normal."*
*as a dear friend recently told me, there is nothing normal about me, so "normal" is off the table.
Well, it looks like, according to my pros/cons list, I have reached a decision. I will go into my pre pre-op appointment with the intention of not keeping my nipples.
I actually feel a little bit better having written down what's been in my head. I will sit with it until next Thursday and see how it feels. The worst case scenario is that I end up changing my mind.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
12 Days, 15 Hours and 35 Minutes Until Surgery
I'm not usually the type to count hours, but I was curious. At least I didn't count seconds!
I continue to calm down which is a good thing. With the help of an increase in one of my medications, I was able to sleep last night but unfortunately I had a bit of a medication hangover this morning and felt groggy for half of the day. That's just something I will have to put up with for the next 13 nights, because getting sleep feels far more important to me than most things at this point. If I'm not well rested I won't be in optimal shape going into surgery, and I want to go in under the best conditions and circumstances.
This morning my chest surgeon's secretary called me to schedule what she called a pre pre-op appointment for a week from tomorrow. I have been emailing my surgeon quite a bit with questions and different options, and she decided that she should see me before my official pre-op. I feel really good about this and am thrilled that she thinks we need to have a face to face conversation. That says to me that she understands how important all of this is and wants us to together make the best decisions. We will thoroughly discuss nipples or no nipples and all things related, and the good thing is that after making a decision I will still have 3 days to sit with it. If I need to change my mind before my pre-op I will have the time. I think, though, that I am still leaning towards no nipples, but I will be open to what she has to say next week and weigh the options carefully. I would like my decision next week to be final so I can enjoy LA Pride weekend and not be worrying about the details. I will still see my surgeon the day before surgery so she can mark up my chest with marker and go over last minute details.
It's hard to believe that I only have 7 days of work left until I go on leave. There's a lot to be done in those 7 days, so I know they will fly by. I complain a lot that the older I get, the quicker time seems to pass. I regularly long for the days of childhood when days lasted forever and it felt like I would never turn another year older. Now a day passes effortlessly and my next birthday comes sooner than it seems it should. A big part of me hates that I am so eager for time to pass by. I am trying to be productive and live life fully during this time, but sometimes it feels like I'm trying to make time go by faster just so I can reach the big day sooner. I have been pretty all consumed by surgery and the details and logistics of it, and I know I have neglected other responsibilities.
I can't help but think to myself that I have been wasting this time, but I know deep down inside that this is not true. I have learned and grown A LOT these past few months, and as painful as it has been at times to wait, it has been the exact amount of time that I've needed to learn and grow. All I can do after surgery is get on with my life and live life to the fullest. I will be a new person, and I have high expectations for myself. High but not unreasonable, and there is a big difference. Something has to eventually push me into action and pull me away from my dreams and fantasies, and maybe this will be it. I hope for the best, and I wait patiently.
22 minutes have passed, so I'm that much closer. Hmm...not very patient of me, but I'll keep trying.
I continue to calm down which is a good thing. With the help of an increase in one of my medications, I was able to sleep last night but unfortunately I had a bit of a medication hangover this morning and felt groggy for half of the day. That's just something I will have to put up with for the next 13 nights, because getting sleep feels far more important to me than most things at this point. If I'm not well rested I won't be in optimal shape going into surgery, and I want to go in under the best conditions and circumstances.
This morning my chest surgeon's secretary called me to schedule what she called a pre pre-op appointment for a week from tomorrow. I have been emailing my surgeon quite a bit with questions and different options, and she decided that she should see me before my official pre-op. I feel really good about this and am thrilled that she thinks we need to have a face to face conversation. That says to me that she understands how important all of this is and wants us to together make the best decisions. We will thoroughly discuss nipples or no nipples and all things related, and the good thing is that after making a decision I will still have 3 days to sit with it. If I need to change my mind before my pre-op I will have the time. I think, though, that I am still leaning towards no nipples, but I will be open to what she has to say next week and weigh the options carefully. I would like my decision next week to be final so I can enjoy LA Pride weekend and not be worrying about the details. I will still see my surgeon the day before surgery so she can mark up my chest with marker and go over last minute details.
It's hard to believe that I only have 7 days of work left until I go on leave. There's a lot to be done in those 7 days, so I know they will fly by. I complain a lot that the older I get, the quicker time seems to pass. I regularly long for the days of childhood when days lasted forever and it felt like I would never turn another year older. Now a day passes effortlessly and my next birthday comes sooner than it seems it should. A big part of me hates that I am so eager for time to pass by. I am trying to be productive and live life fully during this time, but sometimes it feels like I'm trying to make time go by faster just so I can reach the big day sooner. I have been pretty all consumed by surgery and the details and logistics of it, and I know I have neglected other responsibilities.
I can't help but think to myself that I have been wasting this time, but I know deep down inside that this is not true. I have learned and grown A LOT these past few months, and as painful as it has been at times to wait, it has been the exact amount of time that I've needed to learn and grow. All I can do after surgery is get on with my life and live life to the fullest. I will be a new person, and I have high expectations for myself. High but not unreasonable, and there is a big difference. Something has to eventually push me into action and pull me away from my dreams and fantasies, and maybe this will be it. I hope for the best, and I wait patiently.
22 minutes have passed, so I'm that much closer. Hmm...not very patient of me, but I'll keep trying.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Not Sleeping Well
I laid in bed awake for several hours last night, and when my Blackberry rang a little before 6am this morning I was unable to go back to sleep. That means I got less than 5 hours of sleep last night. And I didn't get a lot of sleep over the weekend. I lay awake unable to fall asleep at night, and while I seem to sleep well once I finally fall asleep, I am easily awoken and am unable to fall back asleep once this happens.
Back in late February I was having a terrible bought of insomnia. I was averaging a few hours of sleep a night, and this went on for several weeks. It was miserable. My latest pattern is starting to remind me a lot of that time period.
Not sleeping 2 weeks pre-op is far from ideal. While I know I'll have plenty of time to rest post-op, I want to go into surgery well rested, healthy and with a strong immune system. Sleep is essential for those things to happen. I'm not usually one to run to my psychiatrist begging for more meds, but in this case I am acting out of the ordinary. I left a message for her last night telling her that sleep is an issue and that I want to discuss increasing or adding some meds. I'd rather nip this in the bud than risk falling into insomnia again. And at this point I'd prefer feeling tired and drugged in the morning if it at least means that I'm sleeping easily and well at night.
While it is kind of enjoyable to be awake at 6am and be able to take my time having coffee, breakfast and getting ready for work, I wish it could happen under better conditions. I've never been a morning person -- ask anyone who knows me -- so there is something kind of nice about being up and at em. But I would prefer to have gotten a good nights sleep first.
If anyone has any tips on how to quiet the mind and relax at night and how to nurture a good nights sleep, please leave a comment.
Boker tov! (good morning in Hebrew)
Back in late February I was having a terrible bought of insomnia. I was averaging a few hours of sleep a night, and this went on for several weeks. It was miserable. My latest pattern is starting to remind me a lot of that time period.
Not sleeping 2 weeks pre-op is far from ideal. While I know I'll have plenty of time to rest post-op, I want to go into surgery well rested, healthy and with a strong immune system. Sleep is essential for those things to happen. I'm not usually one to run to my psychiatrist begging for more meds, but in this case I am acting out of the ordinary. I left a message for her last night telling her that sleep is an issue and that I want to discuss increasing or adding some meds. I'd rather nip this in the bud than risk falling into insomnia again. And at this point I'd prefer feeling tired and drugged in the morning if it at least means that I'm sleeping easily and well at night.
While it is kind of enjoyable to be awake at 6am and be able to take my time having coffee, breakfast and getting ready for work, I wish it could happen under better conditions. I've never been a morning person -- ask anyone who knows me -- so there is something kind of nice about being up and at em. But I would prefer to have gotten a good nights sleep first.
If anyone has any tips on how to quiet the mind and relax at night and how to nurture a good nights sleep, please leave a comment.
Boker tov! (good morning in Hebrew)
Monday, June 1, 2009
The Month Has Arrived
I couldn't go to bed without writing that today is day 1 of THE MONTH! June has finally arrived and as I try my hardest to feel sleepy, I can't help but think that I have 15 nights of sleep and 14 days until I wake up bright and early and go to the hospital for surgery. It is within reach and it feels so good.
I have calmed down a bit from my earlier post. I think I have written and talked about my nipples enough that I am less freaked out about it. I think I know what I am going to do, but I need to sleep on it a night or two to be sure. It feels good to have my perspective (mostly) back. All I can do is make the most of the next 15 nights and 14 days.
I have calmed down a bit from my earlier post. I think I have written and talked about my nipples enough that I am less freaked out about it. I think I know what I am going to do, but I need to sleep on it a night or two to be sure. It feels good to have my perspective (mostly) back. All I can do is make the most of the next 15 nights and 14 days.
Totally Neurotic
So just to lay it out there from the start, you're about to read about nipples -- specifically, my nipples and what to do with them.
I wrote last week that I am not going to keep my nipples because of the fear that it would mean keeping more breast tissue than I am comfortable with and because it would compromise my desire for a flat chest. I felt pretty okay with that decision. I emailed Dr. Salomonson and told her the decision I had reached and how I had reached it. Last night I lay in bed -- this seems to be becoming a dangerous past time -- totally questioning this decision.
I heard back from Dr. Salomonson via email a little bit ago. Her response made me even more unsure of my decision not to keep my nipples. Her response read: "I support your decision, but really think we have nothing to lose by attempting to save your nipples. This has worked in patients having complete mastectomies for cancer so I will not compromise your goals by preserving too much tissue since I know what your priorities are. If the nipples do not survive, the tissue becomes a scab and gradually flakes off."
This was a very straightforward response. She apparently understands and will honor my desire for a completely flat chest. This means a lot to me. She believes that by keeping the nipple I can still have the flat chest that I desire. I know that mastectomy patients lose pretty much every bit of tissue, so I know that equates to flat in my case, which is good. My sister told me that she heard that is the new wave with breast cancer patients. I will say, though, that the idea of the nipple tissue becoming a scab and gradually flaking off is not exactly desirable. That is the part that scares me the most. It's like I need to know ahead of time if my nipples are going to survive or not, because if they're not I'd rather just lose them in surgery.
One of the things I was doubting last night was how secure I feel in not having nipples and looking "normal." Some people would say that I won't look normal post-op because I will be a female bodied person with no breasts. I of course think that I will look more normal than I've ever looked, scars and all. I just don't know how important keeping my nipples is to me, and I have no idea how to decide!
I am mind fucking this to death, and this is not something I want to do. I feel like I am 2 weeks away from surgery, I need to just go ahead and decide and live with it. But I wrote last week that I know I have time to decide and change my mind and still have the time to sit with a new decision, and it appears that this is what is happening. One of my online trans friends told me "I love it how transpeople are totally changing/redesigning how we see bodies. Surgery is a really personal thing -- you should definitely push for the results that you want" when I shared with him my initial thoughts about not keeping my nipples.
I see my body flat chested, but do I see it with or without nipples? My body is my temple, but what do I really want my temple to look like? Do I want a flat chest with nipples and no tattoos, do I want a flat chest with no nipples and tattoos or do I want a flat chest with nipples and tattoos? Why is this such a difficult decision? I happen to love tattoos and want more, so the thought of tattooing my chest is quite exciting. I promised my wife that I would not get any more tattoos that are visible to others, so that means getting tattoos on my back and chest. But it's not about the tattoos.
My chiropractor/spiritual healer tells me not to believe everything that I think. My question is how do I know what to believe and how do I know what not to believe? My ability to not be in touch with my gut feeling and second guessing everything I do makes it really difficult to decide what is worth believing and doing something about and what I need to just ignore. I know I shouldn't believe everything I think, but I also know I have to believe some things. What will help me decide?
I'm not looking at the past for guidance. The past is what I want to move away from. I'm supposed to stay present and grounded in today, but when I have to make a decision that affects the future, how do you do that? Will the answer just come to me? Maybe. And I really believe that meditation can work in that way. But I have to be able to quiet my mind long enough to hear my inner feelings and intuition, and this is what I'm having problems with the most. I have a job that allows me to think a lot, which is a problem. My excitement about surgery has been keeping me awake at night and waking me up early in the morning. Great -- more time to think! Just what I don't need! I have no other details to focus on. My nipples are it. Everything has been checked off of a carefully constructed list. I want to be able to check this one off of my master list, but this one is proving to not be so easy.
Do I want to preserve my nipples and have a "normal" looking chest? Do I care about having a "normal" looking chest? Do I care if my nipples become a scab and flake off?
I want to believe that any answer to any of these questions would be the right one. That I will be happy with or without nipples, that I won't be grossed out if my nipples scab up and flake off. And I think I am right about that. I'm quite a resilient person, ,and I can pretty much handle anything that comes my way. I am not afraid of surgery or of recovery. On the contrary I am ready to take it head on. But I guess I am afraid of making a decision, even though I think I can handle any consequence of that decision. I want nothing more than to go into surgery knowing exactly what is going to happen. But I know that this isn't possible. I have no idea at this point what kind of hysterectomy I am going to have, and I may not know until I wake up. This bothers me a great deal. I want to be able to make a decision for the sake of making a decision so that I can stop thinking about it. I want to know the fate of my nipples for each option, tell the doctor how I want her to proceed and to stop thinking about it.
What I need to do is fly to Tibet, hang out with the monks in a monastery in the wilderness and have someone teach me once and for all how to quiet my mind long enough to hear my inner voice speak. Even though I know I can handle anything, I dread making the "wrong" decision now. If I decide to keep my nipples and they end up dying, I will deal with it. But how do I decide whether or not to keep my nipples.
I'm pretty sure I'm back where I started. Coming full circle is good about some things, but not about making a decision. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get centered and grounded and hear and trust my intuition, please leave a comment or send me an email. I need all the help I can get right now.
To nipple or not to nipple. That is the question.
I wrote last week that I am not going to keep my nipples because of the fear that it would mean keeping more breast tissue than I am comfortable with and because it would compromise my desire for a flat chest. I felt pretty okay with that decision. I emailed Dr. Salomonson and told her the decision I had reached and how I had reached it. Last night I lay in bed -- this seems to be becoming a dangerous past time -- totally questioning this decision.
I heard back from Dr. Salomonson via email a little bit ago. Her response made me even more unsure of my decision not to keep my nipples. Her response read: "I support your decision, but really think we have nothing to lose by attempting to save your nipples. This has worked in patients having complete mastectomies for cancer so I will not compromise your goals by preserving too much tissue since I know what your priorities are. If the nipples do not survive, the tissue becomes a scab and gradually flakes off."
This was a very straightforward response. She apparently understands and will honor my desire for a completely flat chest. This means a lot to me. She believes that by keeping the nipple I can still have the flat chest that I desire. I know that mastectomy patients lose pretty much every bit of tissue, so I know that equates to flat in my case, which is good. My sister told me that she heard that is the new wave with breast cancer patients. I will say, though, that the idea of the nipple tissue becoming a scab and gradually flaking off is not exactly desirable. That is the part that scares me the most. It's like I need to know ahead of time if my nipples are going to survive or not, because if they're not I'd rather just lose them in surgery.
One of the things I was doubting last night was how secure I feel in not having nipples and looking "normal." Some people would say that I won't look normal post-op because I will be a female bodied person with no breasts. I of course think that I will look more normal than I've ever looked, scars and all. I just don't know how important keeping my nipples is to me, and I have no idea how to decide!
I am mind fucking this to death, and this is not something I want to do. I feel like I am 2 weeks away from surgery, I need to just go ahead and decide and live with it. But I wrote last week that I know I have time to decide and change my mind and still have the time to sit with a new decision, and it appears that this is what is happening. One of my online trans friends told me "I love it how transpeople are totally changing/redesigning how we see bodies. Surgery is a really personal thing -- you should definitely push for the results that you want" when I shared with him my initial thoughts about not keeping my nipples.
I see my body flat chested, but do I see it with or without nipples? My body is my temple, but what do I really want my temple to look like? Do I want a flat chest with nipples and no tattoos, do I want a flat chest with no nipples and tattoos or do I want a flat chest with nipples and tattoos? Why is this such a difficult decision? I happen to love tattoos and want more, so the thought of tattooing my chest is quite exciting. I promised my wife that I would not get any more tattoos that are visible to others, so that means getting tattoos on my back and chest. But it's not about the tattoos.
My chiropractor/spiritual healer tells me not to believe everything that I think. My question is how do I know what to believe and how do I know what not to believe? My ability to not be in touch with my gut feeling and second guessing everything I do makes it really difficult to decide what is worth believing and doing something about and what I need to just ignore. I know I shouldn't believe everything I think, but I also know I have to believe some things. What will help me decide?
I'm not looking at the past for guidance. The past is what I want to move away from. I'm supposed to stay present and grounded in today, but when I have to make a decision that affects the future, how do you do that? Will the answer just come to me? Maybe. And I really believe that meditation can work in that way. But I have to be able to quiet my mind long enough to hear my inner feelings and intuition, and this is what I'm having problems with the most. I have a job that allows me to think a lot, which is a problem. My excitement about surgery has been keeping me awake at night and waking me up early in the morning. Great -- more time to think! Just what I don't need! I have no other details to focus on. My nipples are it. Everything has been checked off of a carefully constructed list. I want to be able to check this one off of my master list, but this one is proving to not be so easy.
Do I want to preserve my nipples and have a "normal" looking chest? Do I care about having a "normal" looking chest? Do I care if my nipples become a scab and flake off?
I want to believe that any answer to any of these questions would be the right one. That I will be happy with or without nipples, that I won't be grossed out if my nipples scab up and flake off. And I think I am right about that. I'm quite a resilient person, ,and I can pretty much handle anything that comes my way. I am not afraid of surgery or of recovery. On the contrary I am ready to take it head on. But I guess I am afraid of making a decision, even though I think I can handle any consequence of that decision. I want nothing more than to go into surgery knowing exactly what is going to happen. But I know that this isn't possible. I have no idea at this point what kind of hysterectomy I am going to have, and I may not know until I wake up. This bothers me a great deal. I want to be able to make a decision for the sake of making a decision so that I can stop thinking about it. I want to know the fate of my nipples for each option, tell the doctor how I want her to proceed and to stop thinking about it.
What I need to do is fly to Tibet, hang out with the monks in a monastery in the wilderness and have someone teach me once and for all how to quiet my mind long enough to hear my inner voice speak. Even though I know I can handle anything, I dread making the "wrong" decision now. If I decide to keep my nipples and they end up dying, I will deal with it. But how do I decide whether or not to keep my nipples.
I'm pretty sure I'm back where I started. Coming full circle is good about some things, but not about making a decision. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get centered and grounded and hear and trust my intuition, please leave a comment or send me an email. I need all the help I can get right now.
To nipple or not to nipple. That is the question.
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