I have decided that what my therapist told me over a month ago is exactly right. If I had less time than I do before surgery, it wouldn't be enough time, and if I had more time, it would be too much time.
While it is definitely painful to be counting down day by day, it is also giving me the time I need to gain and keep a perspective on everything. I need time to process all of the details and to continue making plans. I decided last night the details of my chest surgery, but I need time to let it sink in and to make sure it sits right with me. While part of me feels like, okay, I know what I want, so let's do it, the other, and unfortunately less prominent, side of me says okay, I know what I want, now let's just sit with it for a while and see how it feels.
I don't think I will change my mind about my nipples. But it is still good to have time to think about it and make sure it is what I want. Should I change my mind, I have time for it and would even have time to sit with that for a little bit. But like I said, I know what I want and why I want it, so I will take these next 19 days and just make sure it feels good and right.
I still have to take care of some financial details, and I still need to get that darn prescription for the anti-coagulant, but everything else is taken care of. These next 19 days will be about my relationship, work, sleep, healing energy, joyous thoughts and not believing everything I think. Oh, and doing some major apartment cleaning in anticipation of the arrival of Mom :)
Each morning when I get dressed, I am thankful that I am that much closer to not having to put on my binder. Every night when I shower, I am thankful that I am that much closer to feeling more comfortable when I get out of the shower and see myself in the bathroom mirror. And each night that I lay down beside my wife to go to sleep, I count my blessings that I even have this opportunity. Not everyone is able, for a vast multitude of reasons, to be true to themselves and to follow their true journeys. I am one of the lucky ones, and I will never forget.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
About Chest Surgery & My Surgery Plans
One of my readers asked in a comment about the difference between traditional Female to Male (FTM) top surgery and radical breast reduction, so I thought I would write an entry addressing this individual's questions. This is based on my experience with the trans community and in no way makes me an expert on the subject. I will write from my own experience.
There are a handful of surgeons in America who are well known for doing FTM top surgery. The main purpose of FTM top surgery is to construct a male appearing chest. Incisions are made under the pectoral muscles, parallel to the ribs. The nipples and areola are grafted into a new position and are resized to appear male. The chest overall is contoured to appear male.
Any qualified and experienced plastic surgeon can do a radical breast reduction. This is the procedure that I am having done. The main difference between radical breast reduction and FTM top surgery is that in radical breast reduction, the chest is not necessarily contoured to appear male. Incisions are also somewhat different. There is the same incision under the pectoral muscles like in FTM top surgery, but there is an incision that runs perpendicular as well. This type of incision is called an inverted T or an anchor incision. The nipple and areola can be left in tact or it can be grafted and resized. There is typically not as much breast tissue removed in a radical breast reduction as there is in FTM top surgery. The amount of breast tissue removed as well as the grafting and resizing of the nipple and areola depends on the individual's wishes.
I was initially going to go to a well known FTM top surgeon in San Francisco. I decided against this for various reasons. I live in LA, not a small town, so I thought it was ridiculous to go to San Francisco for surgery. Surely someone in LA is qualified to give me the flat chest that I desire. It was also very important for me to be able to recover in my own home and not in a hotel room. I explained to my trans friendly gynecologist what I wanted out of chest surgery and she gave me the name of a plastic surgeon. I went in for a consultation and the rest is (almost) history. I also realized that it is not important to me to have a male appearing chest since I do not identify as male. This sealed the deal that I would do surgery in LA with Dr. Salomonson.
I decided last night as I laid in bed wide awake the specifics that I desire from my chest surgery. In order to keep my nipples and areola I would have to keep some breast tissue so that the blood supply is sustained and the nipples and areola do not die. In the photos I posted in yesterday's blog, there is a rounding, or a bump, in the chest of this man. That rounding, that bump, is not flat enough for me. As I laid awake last night I feared that by doing this I would sacrifice the absolute flatness that I want more than anything. I only have one chance to do this right. I will likely never have the money to have a revision done on my chest. I need to feel confident going into surgery that I will wake up with no regrets, that I will wake up happy.
I have thus decided not to keep my nipples and areola. I will have as much breast tissue and skin removed as possible, leaving my chest tight and flat. By not keeping them I can get rid of the extra breast tissue that I would have to keep to sustain the life in my nipples and areola, and the chances of being flat to my satisfaction are great. I feel good about this decision. Like a friend of mine said, nipples are overrated! I plan on eventually covering my chest with a tattoo, so it makes no difference to me whether or not I have nipples. I know that this is the right decision. I do not want to come out of surgery with small breasts or with even a bump, and this is the way to ensure that that happens. I just want to be flat and aesthetically pleasing to my eyes and to my wife.
If any of my readers have questions about surgery, gender identity, etc. that they would like answered, please post a comment and I will be happy to write about them from my own experience in a future blog.
19 days from this moment, I will be in the recovery room, officially post-op. I am so excited! I am more than ready to exist in the body that my mind visualizes. I am more than ready to come home to myself. And I am more than ready to stop wearing this hot, tight, itchy binder!!! It will feel so good to be able to just throw on a shirt and be on my merry way. Thank you, whoever you are who are reading this, for supporting me as I walk the path to finding myself and being true to myself.
There are a handful of surgeons in America who are well known for doing FTM top surgery. The main purpose of FTM top surgery is to construct a male appearing chest. Incisions are made under the pectoral muscles, parallel to the ribs. The nipples and areola are grafted into a new position and are resized to appear male. The chest overall is contoured to appear male.
Any qualified and experienced plastic surgeon can do a radical breast reduction. This is the procedure that I am having done. The main difference between radical breast reduction and FTM top surgery is that in radical breast reduction, the chest is not necessarily contoured to appear male. Incisions are also somewhat different. There is the same incision under the pectoral muscles like in FTM top surgery, but there is an incision that runs perpendicular as well. This type of incision is called an inverted T or an anchor incision. The nipple and areola can be left in tact or it can be grafted and resized. There is typically not as much breast tissue removed in a radical breast reduction as there is in FTM top surgery. The amount of breast tissue removed as well as the grafting and resizing of the nipple and areola depends on the individual's wishes.
I was initially going to go to a well known FTM top surgeon in San Francisco. I decided against this for various reasons. I live in LA, not a small town, so I thought it was ridiculous to go to San Francisco for surgery. Surely someone in LA is qualified to give me the flat chest that I desire. It was also very important for me to be able to recover in my own home and not in a hotel room. I explained to my trans friendly gynecologist what I wanted out of chest surgery and she gave me the name of a plastic surgeon. I went in for a consultation and the rest is (almost) history. I also realized that it is not important to me to have a male appearing chest since I do not identify as male. This sealed the deal that I would do surgery in LA with Dr. Salomonson.
I decided last night as I laid in bed wide awake the specifics that I desire from my chest surgery. In order to keep my nipples and areola I would have to keep some breast tissue so that the blood supply is sustained and the nipples and areola do not die. In the photos I posted in yesterday's blog, there is a rounding, or a bump, in the chest of this man. That rounding, that bump, is not flat enough for me. As I laid awake last night I feared that by doing this I would sacrifice the absolute flatness that I want more than anything. I only have one chance to do this right. I will likely never have the money to have a revision done on my chest. I need to feel confident going into surgery that I will wake up with no regrets, that I will wake up happy.
I have thus decided not to keep my nipples and areola. I will have as much breast tissue and skin removed as possible, leaving my chest tight and flat. By not keeping them I can get rid of the extra breast tissue that I would have to keep to sustain the life in my nipples and areola, and the chances of being flat to my satisfaction are great. I feel good about this decision. Like a friend of mine said, nipples are overrated! I plan on eventually covering my chest with a tattoo, so it makes no difference to me whether or not I have nipples. I know that this is the right decision. I do not want to come out of surgery with small breasts or with even a bump, and this is the way to ensure that that happens. I just want to be flat and aesthetically pleasing to my eyes and to my wife.
If any of my readers have questions about surgery, gender identity, etc. that they would like answered, please post a comment and I will be happy to write about them from my own experience in a future blog.
19 days from this moment, I will be in the recovery room, officially post-op. I am so excited! I am more than ready to exist in the body that my mind visualizes. I am more than ready to come home to myself. And I am more than ready to stop wearing this hot, tight, itchy binder!!! It will feel so good to be able to just throw on a shirt and be on my merry way. Thank you, whoever you are who are reading this, for supporting me as I walk the path to finding myself and being true to myself.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Standing Under A Joy Tree
My friend, chiropractor and spiritual healer instructed me to visualize and experience as much joy and balance as possible these next few weeks and to not believe everything that I think. These are things worthy of my time and effort. I will try my hardest to exist under a canopy of joy and only let in positive, healing energy. I have been spending way too much time in my head these past few months, obsessed with all of the details, worry and anxiety about surgery. Not believing everything I think -- being conscious and aware of my thoughts -- will help me experience the joy of it all.
I am choosing to believe that non-western interventions will help me as well. I started taking echinacea and goldenseal to give my immune system a boost so that I don't get sick right before surgery. And today I went to the Santa Monica Homeopathic Pharmacy and purchased Arnica Multiplex and Pain and Inflammation Multiplex. The Arnica Multiplex promotes healing and will be started 3 days pre-op. The Pain and Inflammtion Multiplex will be started post-op and is meant to decrease pain, swelling and bruising. I think that homeopathy is half about believing that it will work, so I am choosing to believe that these two multiplexes will help make for a smoother and less painful recovery. In this case, I guess I should believe what I think and let the negative thoughts go. Easier said than done, but it's sure worth trying.
I am choosing to believe that non-western interventions will help me as well. I started taking echinacea and goldenseal to give my immune system a boost so that I don't get sick right before surgery. And today I went to the Santa Monica Homeopathic Pharmacy and purchased Arnica Multiplex and Pain and Inflammation Multiplex. The Arnica Multiplex promotes healing and will be started 3 days pre-op. The Pain and Inflammtion Multiplex will be started post-op and is meant to decrease pain, swelling and bruising. I think that homeopathy is half about believing that it will work, so I am choosing to believe that these two multiplexes will help make for a smoother and less painful recovery. In this case, I guess I should believe what I think and let the negative thoughts go. Easier said than done, but it's sure worth trying.
My Future Chest
The photos above were taken of a female to male transgender person who had a radical breast reduction. This is the procedure I will be having. My surgeon, after viewing the photos, told me that these photos are realistic expectations to have. If this is what I look like post-op I will be one truly happy camper! I am so excited just thinking about it. 20 days and counting!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Ups And Downs
Today has been a truly weird day. It started off on a good note. I mailed my two Title Nine sports bras that I don't wear anymore to an internet friend in Indiana. He is trans and cannot bind comfortably enough. These sports bras are hardcore to say the least, and they should help him with binding. They won't flatten him out like a binder does but they sure do smash the things down! And I already found a new home for my two binders -- a trans guy in North Carolina will be the new owner. They are pretty expensive, and not everyone can afford them despite their need to bind, so I am happy to be able to recycle. Because of superstition I will wait until after I have had my surgery to send the binders away. I was going to mail them the day before and just go braless one last time, but I am afraid that if I mail them before surgery something will happen at the last minute and the surgery will be postponed and I'll be without a binder. Silly, I know, but just in case, I'm going with it.
Soon after I got to work the Proposition 8 ruling was released. By a 6-1 vote the California Supreme Court ruled to uphold the discriminatory and bigoted proposition. It saddens me while also frustrating and inspiring me. It is sad that discrimination against one particular group of people has been written into the constitution, and it is sad that same sex marriages will not be allowed in California. I find it infuriating and intolerable that my wife and I and 18,000 other same sex couples have now been granted special rights. We are allowed to stay married but our LGBTQ friends cannot marry. This makes no sense. I have been married since our 2005 religious ceremony. Our civil wedding was just icing on the cake. I will not celebrate my civil marriage until all Americans are able to celebrate a marriage if that is what they desire. Some have said that allowing the 18,000 same sex couples to stay married is a stepping stone, a forward movement in our fight for fairness and equality. Well, I'm tired of people having to stoop over and be a back on which others stand to try and get ahead. I have a bad back as a matter of fact. I'd much prefer we all be allowed to stand tall and proud and be treated as equals, with dignity and respect. The same sex marriage fight in California will go back to the ballots, and hopefully we will get it right this next time.
I'm not sure if the supreme court ruling has had anything to do with my overall crummy day. Today has been a true struggle for me. I feel fat, bloated, poorly dressed, sweaty, pissy, underutilized, unappreciated, ignored and unhappy. I have no self esteem or self confidence today for some reason. It's just one of those really bad days that you can't wait to be over so you can do it better the next day. I'm having a great deal of body dysphoria which may be a big part of it. Even though I am binding today, I feel so aware of my breasts, and I feel like they are huge, even though they are bound. I'm not feeling too sorry for myself in regards to the dysphoria, because I know how fortunate I am to be having surgery in less than 3 weeks to make the correction. But it is still pretty miserable to be in this body today.
I am ecstatic that I have had my period for the very last time. This last one could have been worse. I was pretty sick the first two days, but then it ended really quickly. Goodbye and good riddance is all I have to say! I will be hard pressed to look back on ever having had my period. Forward and onward!
My gynecologist's office called me earlier. All of the pre-authorization has gone through for my hysterectomy, so that is exciting. And my hematologist was able to speak with Dr. Knox, so medical clearance has been given for me to have surgery. I still need to get the prescription for the anti-coagulant, but other than dealing with money, that is the last detail left. I purchased a bed lap table over the weekend which is to my knowledge the last thing I have been wanting that I still needed to purchase. I'm pretty sure my doctor will give me a chest binder to wear at the hospital, and depending on if I have an abdominal hysterectomy or not, I may have to get an abdominal binder, but I assume that would be given to me at the hospital as well. Things have definitely fallen into place, and I am finding that I can breathe a little easier as each day passes.
A little bit ago I filled out an Advance Health Care Directive. That was a slightly weird experience, but it wasn't too bad. I probably should have had one already, so it's good to have a reason to have one in place. I am an organ/tissue donor for any and all purposes, and I do not want my life to be prolonged if there is no chance of recovery. I feel good about both of those things. A person's organs and tissue can go to tens of people which is just amazing to think about. And I would hate to be responsible for the continued draining of the American health care system! My wife and I talked a little bit about my wishes, and we will talk more about it these next weeks. My parents are secondary decision makers. Not that anyone is going to have to make any decisions because I will come through surgery just fine!
The excitement is definitely building up. Surgery is less than 3 weeks away. My first pre-op appointment is 2 weeks from Friday. That will feel like the true kick off of everything. After that is my last day of work, the arrival of my mom, LA Pride, my other pre-op appointment and finally surgery day itself. Yup -- I'm so excited. There are many genderqueer and transgender people who want to have chest surgery, and I count my blessings that I have the opportunity to have this surgery. I knew I wanted it, and I went after it, and in a few short weeks my body will be mine again. I hope time continues to go by quickly and that I continue to seek out joy during this life changing time. This journey is good and true, and I'm grateful for the ride.
Soon after I got to work the Proposition 8 ruling was released. By a 6-1 vote the California Supreme Court ruled to uphold the discriminatory and bigoted proposition. It saddens me while also frustrating and inspiring me. It is sad that discrimination against one particular group of people has been written into the constitution, and it is sad that same sex marriages will not be allowed in California. I find it infuriating and intolerable that my wife and I and 18,000 other same sex couples have now been granted special rights. We are allowed to stay married but our LGBTQ friends cannot marry. This makes no sense. I have been married since our 2005 religious ceremony. Our civil wedding was just icing on the cake. I will not celebrate my civil marriage until all Americans are able to celebrate a marriage if that is what they desire. Some have said that allowing the 18,000 same sex couples to stay married is a stepping stone, a forward movement in our fight for fairness and equality. Well, I'm tired of people having to stoop over and be a back on which others stand to try and get ahead. I have a bad back as a matter of fact. I'd much prefer we all be allowed to stand tall and proud and be treated as equals, with dignity and respect. The same sex marriage fight in California will go back to the ballots, and hopefully we will get it right this next time.
I'm not sure if the supreme court ruling has had anything to do with my overall crummy day. Today has been a true struggle for me. I feel fat, bloated, poorly dressed, sweaty, pissy, underutilized, unappreciated, ignored and unhappy. I have no self esteem or self confidence today for some reason. It's just one of those really bad days that you can't wait to be over so you can do it better the next day. I'm having a great deal of body dysphoria which may be a big part of it. Even though I am binding today, I feel so aware of my breasts, and I feel like they are huge, even though they are bound. I'm not feeling too sorry for myself in regards to the dysphoria, because I know how fortunate I am to be having surgery in less than 3 weeks to make the correction. But it is still pretty miserable to be in this body today.
I am ecstatic that I have had my period for the very last time. This last one could have been worse. I was pretty sick the first two days, but then it ended really quickly. Goodbye and good riddance is all I have to say! I will be hard pressed to look back on ever having had my period. Forward and onward!
My gynecologist's office called me earlier. All of the pre-authorization has gone through for my hysterectomy, so that is exciting. And my hematologist was able to speak with Dr. Knox, so medical clearance has been given for me to have surgery. I still need to get the prescription for the anti-coagulant, but other than dealing with money, that is the last detail left. I purchased a bed lap table over the weekend which is to my knowledge the last thing I have been wanting that I still needed to purchase. I'm pretty sure my doctor will give me a chest binder to wear at the hospital, and depending on if I have an abdominal hysterectomy or not, I may have to get an abdominal binder, but I assume that would be given to me at the hospital as well. Things have definitely fallen into place, and I am finding that I can breathe a little easier as each day passes.
A little bit ago I filled out an Advance Health Care Directive. That was a slightly weird experience, but it wasn't too bad. I probably should have had one already, so it's good to have a reason to have one in place. I am an organ/tissue donor for any and all purposes, and I do not want my life to be prolonged if there is no chance of recovery. I feel good about both of those things. A person's organs and tissue can go to tens of people which is just amazing to think about. And I would hate to be responsible for the continued draining of the American health care system! My wife and I talked a little bit about my wishes, and we will talk more about it these next weeks. My parents are secondary decision makers. Not that anyone is going to have to make any decisions because I will come through surgery just fine!
The excitement is definitely building up. Surgery is less than 3 weeks away. My first pre-op appointment is 2 weeks from Friday. That will feel like the true kick off of everything. After that is my last day of work, the arrival of my mom, LA Pride, my other pre-op appointment and finally surgery day itself. Yup -- I'm so excited. There are many genderqueer and transgender people who want to have chest surgery, and I count my blessings that I have the opportunity to have this surgery. I knew I wanted it, and I went after it, and in a few short weeks my body will be mine again. I hope time continues to go by quickly and that I continue to seek out joy during this life changing time. This journey is good and true, and I'm grateful for the ride.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Good Enough To Taste
Yesterday, for whatever reason, was the first day that I've felt genuinely excited about my upcoming surgeries. I've definitely felt eager and driven and anxious about them, but not truly excited. In fact, it's so exciting I can taste it! Surgery day feels real and tangible for the first time. It is 3 1/2 weeks away and my whole being knows and understands that -- finally! I am noticing some relief of the driven and anxious feeling as the pure excitement sets in. Now this is what I'm talking about!
I think these next 3 1/2 weeks will definitely fly by. My wife gets home from being away for the week later today, and it's a long weekend. I'm looking forward to relaxing and doing some fun things, and when the weekend is over it'll be Tuesday already, and that means I'll be 3 weeks away from surgery day. Work will be busy for me these next 3 weeks as will life. This is indeed exciting!
I have some internet friends who have recently had top surgery or who are soon having it. It has been so exciting to support them and watch them prepare and recover. I have no excuse to make any mistakes with my own healing and recovery as there are many people from whom I have recently had the opportunity to watch and learn. I know exactly what to expect with surgery itself. I know what my incisions and scars will look like. I know what it feels like to get drains removed. I'm a very well informed patient, so now I just keep getting excited and try to wait patiently.
Bring it on!
I think these next 3 1/2 weeks will definitely fly by. My wife gets home from being away for the week later today, and it's a long weekend. I'm looking forward to relaxing and doing some fun things, and when the weekend is over it'll be Tuesday already, and that means I'll be 3 weeks away from surgery day. Work will be busy for me these next 3 weeks as will life. This is indeed exciting!
I have some internet friends who have recently had top surgery or who are soon having it. It has been so exciting to support them and watch them prepare and recover. I have no excuse to make any mistakes with my own healing and recovery as there are many people from whom I have recently had the opportunity to watch and learn. I know exactly what to expect with surgery itself. I know what my incisions and scars will look like. I know what it feels like to get drains removed. I'm a very well informed patient, so now I just keep getting excited and try to wait patiently.
Bring it on!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Passing Time And Counting Down
There's nothing like being sick to pass the time. Last week it was a nasty cold, this week it was food poisoning. I'm currently hijacked by PMS. If it's not one thing it's certainly something else. I really hope that I am getting all illness out of the way now so that I am in good health for surgery.
I keep finding myself wanting to think that it's weird and strangely symbolic that I am about to have my period for the very last time, but I don't. I am not feeling much of anything about it except for being grateful that this is it. There will be no mourning of my womanhood or anything like that. In fact, that seems quite silly to even think about. I just want to start my period already so that I can get it over with and not look back! Last month was brutal so I'm prepared for this one to be a doozy. Who knows...maybe it will be a walk in the park. I just know that by having my period this month, I am that much closer to surgery day and to reclaiming my body.
I'm still trying to figure out last minute logistical things. My gynecologist, Dr. Knox, never received medical clearance from my hematologist, Dr. Terpenning, for me to have surgery, even though she gave it to me at the end of March. So I had to call Dr. Terpenning to inquire about the clearance as well as about having a prescription for an anti-coagulant mailed to me. My poor mom has to give me a shot in the stomach for a few days post-op so my blood doesn't clot. Dr. Knox doesn't need any special lab work done since my chest surgeon, Dr. Salomonson, already sent me a lab slip for pre-op blood work. I would love nothing more than to not have to go see Dr. Terpenning again. I of course already have my work days mapped out from now until my last day before surgery, so having to schedule an appointment at this point would just be a pain.
I asked Manya, the surgery guru at Dr. Knox's office, what the deal is with having to stay in the hospital post-op. If I have to have an abdominal hysterectomy, they will keep me for at least 1 night, often 2, and if I have the surgery done laproscopically, they usually don't keep you unless you are feeling really sick and don't feel up to going home. I am of course hoping for the best for reasons of less trauma to my body and a quicker recovery, but I also just don't want to have to stay in the hospital longer than a few hours post-op. I would much rather go home and get in bed with my cat and sleep off the anesthesia. Dr. Knox will give me all of my prescriptions for pain and anti-nausea medications at my pre-op appointment so that I can fill them before surgery.
And so the countdown is on. I have 16 days of work left before my pre-op appointment with Dr. Knox and before I go on leave for surgery. I have 24 days until my mom arrives in LA. I have 26 days until my pre-op appointment with Dr. Salomonson. And I have 27 days until surgery!
Not that I'm counting.
I keep finding myself wanting to think that it's weird and strangely symbolic that I am about to have my period for the very last time, but I don't. I am not feeling much of anything about it except for being grateful that this is it. There will be no mourning of my womanhood or anything like that. In fact, that seems quite silly to even think about. I just want to start my period already so that I can get it over with and not look back! Last month was brutal so I'm prepared for this one to be a doozy. Who knows...maybe it will be a walk in the park. I just know that by having my period this month, I am that much closer to surgery day and to reclaiming my body.
I'm still trying to figure out last minute logistical things. My gynecologist, Dr. Knox, never received medical clearance from my hematologist, Dr. Terpenning, for me to have surgery, even though she gave it to me at the end of March. So I had to call Dr. Terpenning to inquire about the clearance as well as about having a prescription for an anti-coagulant mailed to me. My poor mom has to give me a shot in the stomach for a few days post-op so my blood doesn't clot. Dr. Knox doesn't need any special lab work done since my chest surgeon, Dr. Salomonson, already sent me a lab slip for pre-op blood work. I would love nothing more than to not have to go see Dr. Terpenning again. I of course already have my work days mapped out from now until my last day before surgery, so having to schedule an appointment at this point would just be a pain.
I asked Manya, the surgery guru at Dr. Knox's office, what the deal is with having to stay in the hospital post-op. If I have to have an abdominal hysterectomy, they will keep me for at least 1 night, often 2, and if I have the surgery done laproscopically, they usually don't keep you unless you are feeling really sick and don't feel up to going home. I am of course hoping for the best for reasons of less trauma to my body and a quicker recovery, but I also just don't want to have to stay in the hospital longer than a few hours post-op. I would much rather go home and get in bed with my cat and sleep off the anesthesia. Dr. Knox will give me all of my prescriptions for pain and anti-nausea medications at my pre-op appointment so that I can fill them before surgery.
And so the countdown is on. I have 16 days of work left before my pre-op appointment with Dr. Knox and before I go on leave for surgery. I have 24 days until my mom arrives in LA. I have 26 days until my pre-op appointment with Dr. Salomonson. And I have 27 days until surgery!
Not that I'm counting.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Tattoo: A Self Portrait
I decided a few years ago that I would get a tattoo in every city in which I live from the age of 18 on. Maybe this will be an incentive for my wife to want to settle down sooner rather than later :) I promised that, aside from my foot tattoo, I would get my tattoos in places that can be easily covered (living in LA I wear flip-flops a lot and thus show my foot tattoo). I got my first tattoo in Athens, OH, I then incorporated that tattoo into my second tattoo that I got in Washington, DC, and I got my third tattoo in Jerusalem, Israel. My year in Israel was a very transformative, enriching and intense time, and I set out on a journey of self discovery early in that year. I am walking the same path today, and it has been an amazing experience. I of course wanted my third tattoo to be personally meaningful, for it to mark a moment in time permanently on my body, for it to be another way to never forget the journey I am on. Since Israel was the first time I really began exploring and discussing my gender identity in therapy, I wanted my tattoo to reflect this. I was inspired by Native American fetishes and the energy that they hold. I consider bears and crows to be my spirit animals (in addition to turtles). So I decided to create a story with my tattoo that would incorporate these ideas and describe my transgenderqueer and human nature.
The Story of a Tattoo Self Portrait: The bear is brave, proud and strong, and he is also humble, modest and gentle. He often looks down rather than looking up and out at the world around him. The crow is smart, social and has a strong emotional memory. She often serves as the bear's eyes. Sitting on his back, she sees what he cannot. Her world view is made up of the fantasies and daydreams she experiences as she flies through the skies each day, and when she comes to rest on the bear's back, the energy of these dreams flows through his heartline and enables him to understand his own life in a much more meaningful way. The bear and the crow need one another. The bear needs her so that he can come to know and understand her intuition, and the crow needs him so that she can ground herself within his beautiful reality. Each lives a fuller life because the other exists. They are neither either nor or; they are one.
(Refer to the photo entitled "Self Portrait" on the right side of my blog to see the tattoo. I think the artist did a fabulous job capturing the story, which I had shared with her. I am proud of this tattoo because of the meaning, significance and artistic beauty that it holds.)
The Story of a Tattoo Self Portrait: The bear is brave, proud and strong, and he is also humble, modest and gentle. He often looks down rather than looking up and out at the world around him. The crow is smart, social and has a strong emotional memory. She often serves as the bear's eyes. Sitting on his back, she sees what he cannot. Her world view is made up of the fantasies and daydreams she experiences as she flies through the skies each day, and when she comes to rest on the bear's back, the energy of these dreams flows through his heartline and enables him to understand his own life in a much more meaningful way. The bear and the crow need one another. The bear needs her so that he can come to know and understand her intuition, and the crow needs him so that she can ground herself within his beautiful reality. Each lives a fuller life because the other exists. They are neither either nor or; they are one.
(Refer to the photo entitled "Self Portrait" on the right side of my blog to see the tattoo. I think the artist did a fabulous job capturing the story, which I had shared with her. I am proud of this tattoo because of the meaning, significance and artistic beauty that it holds.)
Monday, May 11, 2009
The Drawer
I've finished shopping for post-op necessities. Well...almost. I may or may not buy a lap desk for my bed. That will depend on if I can find one big enough to fit over me. I need to go to Bed, Bath & Beyond and "try one on."
The main things I needed were button up shirts, button up PJs, tank tops with low cut arm pits and underwear. I am happy to say that I finally have all of these items. The button up shirts are hanging in my closet, having already been worn a few times to work. The button up PJs, tank tops and underwear have been washed and dryed and folded neatly.
I cleaned out a drawer yesterday and designated it my post-op surgery drawer. My PJs and tank tops are in it along with my "belly buster" which I will wear once my hysterectomy stitches heal, and my underwear are in a separate drawer. When I put my PJs, etc. into the drawer, I found myself doing so with great care. I folded everything neatly and laid them in the drawer carefully.
This drawer feels strangely sacred. It is filled with items that I spent many hours searching for, items that will be used to care for myself post-op. I have worked really hard on myself to warrant the need for these items, and for that reason alone I know they are sacred. Sacred items for a uniquely special individual for monumental times. The existence of that drawer is a blessing just as my surgeries will be on my life and on my bright, shining future. I can hardly wait.
The main things I needed were button up shirts, button up PJs, tank tops with low cut arm pits and underwear. I am happy to say that I finally have all of these items. The button up shirts are hanging in my closet, having already been worn a few times to work. The button up PJs, tank tops and underwear have been washed and dryed and folded neatly.
I cleaned out a drawer yesterday and designated it my post-op surgery drawer. My PJs and tank tops are in it along with my "belly buster" which I will wear once my hysterectomy stitches heal, and my underwear are in a separate drawer. When I put my PJs, etc. into the drawer, I found myself doing so with great care. I folded everything neatly and laid them in the drawer carefully.
This drawer feels strangely sacred. It is filled with items that I spent many hours searching for, items that will be used to care for myself post-op. I have worked really hard on myself to warrant the need for these items, and for that reason alone I know they are sacred. Sacred items for a uniquely special individual for monumental times. The existence of that drawer is a blessing just as my surgeries will be on my life and on my bright, shining future. I can hardly wait.
My Last Mammogram Ever
There's nothing quite like having your breasts smooshed, smashed and pressed onto a plate of glass to make you super aware of them. I had a pre-op mammogram this morning. I have had one once before, and they are definitely not pleasant. They are nothing but awkward, uncomfortable and painful experiences.
To be perfectly honest, seeing my breasts pressed between two plates of glass kind of grossed me out. Looking at myself naked in the mirror is bad enough, but seeing my breast sprawled out in all its glory was sort of grotesque. I went into the appointment with an open mind and came out with my tail between my legs, eager to call my wife for some comfort. These two tumor like growths on my chest were flaunted at me this morning. "Look at what nature gave you that wasn't meant for you," the digital machine seemed to say mockingly. It was harsh.
I told my wife last night that I wasn't going to wear my binder to the appointment which was first thing this morning. She assumed it was because I would be showering and getting dressed just to drive somewhere and get undressed again. But it was mostly for different reasons. I felt self conscious going to a women's health center to get a mammogram of the breasts I've resented having since puberty. I felt like if I was going to get a mammogram I should walk into the office showing some signs of having breasts, so I just wore my sports bra without my binder.
It felt weird to be out and about without my binder on. I don't wear it to look male -- I wear it to look like myself. And I didn't feel like myself without it on -- I wasn't comfortable without it. Once the mammogram was over, I hurriedly went into the changing room and fought the fight to get myself into my binder. I put my shirt on over it, looked in the mirror, and smiled. I liked what I saw and I liked how I felt. I grabbed my bag and walked out into the lobby, thrilled that I would never again have to have a mammogram because it will soon be physically impossible to perform one on my soon to be flat chest. I'm sure the results will be normal and I will be one step closer to surgery day. Onward.
To be perfectly honest, seeing my breasts pressed between two plates of glass kind of grossed me out. Looking at myself naked in the mirror is bad enough, but seeing my breast sprawled out in all its glory was sort of grotesque. I went into the appointment with an open mind and came out with my tail between my legs, eager to call my wife for some comfort. These two tumor like growths on my chest were flaunted at me this morning. "Look at what nature gave you that wasn't meant for you," the digital machine seemed to say mockingly. It was harsh.
I told my wife last night that I wasn't going to wear my binder to the appointment which was first thing this morning. She assumed it was because I would be showering and getting dressed just to drive somewhere and get undressed again. But it was mostly for different reasons. I felt self conscious going to a women's health center to get a mammogram of the breasts I've resented having since puberty. I felt like if I was going to get a mammogram I should walk into the office showing some signs of having breasts, so I just wore my sports bra without my binder.
It felt weird to be out and about without my binder on. I don't wear it to look male -- I wear it to look like myself. And I didn't feel like myself without it on -- I wasn't comfortable without it. Once the mammogram was over, I hurriedly went into the changing room and fought the fight to get myself into my binder. I put my shirt on over it, looked in the mirror, and smiled. I liked what I saw and I liked how I felt. I grabbed my bag and walked out into the lobby, thrilled that I would never again have to have a mammogram because it will soon be physically impossible to perform one on my soon to be flat chest. I'm sure the results will be normal and I will be one step closer to surgery day. Onward.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
