Let me preface this by saying that I never, ever make pros/cons lists. Ever.
Cons for keeping my nipples:
1. Even with all of the breast tissue removed, there is still a 3-5% chance that I could develop breast cancer if I keep my nipples.
2. My nipples could die, meaning they would scab up and gradually flake off.
3. My nipples could look unnatural.
4. My nipples could be slightly uneven which would drive me bonkers!
Pros for keeping my nipples:
1. I would look "normal."*
*as a dear friend recently told me, there is nothing normal about me, so "normal" is off the table.
Well, it looks like, according to my pros/cons list, I have reached a decision. I will go into my pre pre-op appointment with the intention of not keeping my nipples.
I actually feel a little bit better having written down what's been in my head. I will sit with it until next Thursday and see how it feels. The worst case scenario is that I end up changing my mind.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
12 Days, 15 Hours and 35 Minutes Until Surgery
I'm not usually the type to count hours, but I was curious. At least I didn't count seconds!
I continue to calm down which is a good thing. With the help of an increase in one of my medications, I was able to sleep last night but unfortunately I had a bit of a medication hangover this morning and felt groggy for half of the day. That's just something I will have to put up with for the next 13 nights, because getting sleep feels far more important to me than most things at this point. If I'm not well rested I won't be in optimal shape going into surgery, and I want to go in under the best conditions and circumstances.
This morning my chest surgeon's secretary called me to schedule what she called a pre pre-op appointment for a week from tomorrow. I have been emailing my surgeon quite a bit with questions and different options, and she decided that she should see me before my official pre-op. I feel really good about this and am thrilled that she thinks we need to have a face to face conversation. That says to me that she understands how important all of this is and wants us to together make the best decisions. We will thoroughly discuss nipples or no nipples and all things related, and the good thing is that after making a decision I will still have 3 days to sit with it. If I need to change my mind before my pre-op I will have the time. I think, though, that I am still leaning towards no nipples, but I will be open to what she has to say next week and weigh the options carefully. I would like my decision next week to be final so I can enjoy LA Pride weekend and not be worrying about the details. I will still see my surgeon the day before surgery so she can mark up my chest with marker and go over last minute details.
It's hard to believe that I only have 7 days of work left until I go on leave. There's a lot to be done in those 7 days, so I know they will fly by. I complain a lot that the older I get, the quicker time seems to pass. I regularly long for the days of childhood when days lasted forever and it felt like I would never turn another year older. Now a day passes effortlessly and my next birthday comes sooner than it seems it should. A big part of me hates that I am so eager for time to pass by. I am trying to be productive and live life fully during this time, but sometimes it feels like I'm trying to make time go by faster just so I can reach the big day sooner. I have been pretty all consumed by surgery and the details and logistics of it, and I know I have neglected other responsibilities.
I can't help but think to myself that I have been wasting this time, but I know deep down inside that this is not true. I have learned and grown A LOT these past few months, and as painful as it has been at times to wait, it has been the exact amount of time that I've needed to learn and grow. All I can do after surgery is get on with my life and live life to the fullest. I will be a new person, and I have high expectations for myself. High but not unreasonable, and there is a big difference. Something has to eventually push me into action and pull me away from my dreams and fantasies, and maybe this will be it. I hope for the best, and I wait patiently.
22 minutes have passed, so I'm that much closer. Hmm...not very patient of me, but I'll keep trying.
I continue to calm down which is a good thing. With the help of an increase in one of my medications, I was able to sleep last night but unfortunately I had a bit of a medication hangover this morning and felt groggy for half of the day. That's just something I will have to put up with for the next 13 nights, because getting sleep feels far more important to me than most things at this point. If I'm not well rested I won't be in optimal shape going into surgery, and I want to go in under the best conditions and circumstances.
This morning my chest surgeon's secretary called me to schedule what she called a pre pre-op appointment for a week from tomorrow. I have been emailing my surgeon quite a bit with questions and different options, and she decided that she should see me before my official pre-op. I feel really good about this and am thrilled that she thinks we need to have a face to face conversation. That says to me that she understands how important all of this is and wants us to together make the best decisions. We will thoroughly discuss nipples or no nipples and all things related, and the good thing is that after making a decision I will still have 3 days to sit with it. If I need to change my mind before my pre-op I will have the time. I think, though, that I am still leaning towards no nipples, but I will be open to what she has to say next week and weigh the options carefully. I would like my decision next week to be final so I can enjoy LA Pride weekend and not be worrying about the details. I will still see my surgeon the day before surgery so she can mark up my chest with marker and go over last minute details.
It's hard to believe that I only have 7 days of work left until I go on leave. There's a lot to be done in those 7 days, so I know they will fly by. I complain a lot that the older I get, the quicker time seems to pass. I regularly long for the days of childhood when days lasted forever and it felt like I would never turn another year older. Now a day passes effortlessly and my next birthday comes sooner than it seems it should. A big part of me hates that I am so eager for time to pass by. I am trying to be productive and live life fully during this time, but sometimes it feels like I'm trying to make time go by faster just so I can reach the big day sooner. I have been pretty all consumed by surgery and the details and logistics of it, and I know I have neglected other responsibilities.
I can't help but think to myself that I have been wasting this time, but I know deep down inside that this is not true. I have learned and grown A LOT these past few months, and as painful as it has been at times to wait, it has been the exact amount of time that I've needed to learn and grow. All I can do after surgery is get on with my life and live life to the fullest. I will be a new person, and I have high expectations for myself. High but not unreasonable, and there is a big difference. Something has to eventually push me into action and pull me away from my dreams and fantasies, and maybe this will be it. I hope for the best, and I wait patiently.
22 minutes have passed, so I'm that much closer. Hmm...not very patient of me, but I'll keep trying.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Not Sleeping Well
I laid in bed awake for several hours last night, and when my Blackberry rang a little before 6am this morning I was unable to go back to sleep. That means I got less than 5 hours of sleep last night. And I didn't get a lot of sleep over the weekend. I lay awake unable to fall asleep at night, and while I seem to sleep well once I finally fall asleep, I am easily awoken and am unable to fall back asleep once this happens.
Back in late February I was having a terrible bought of insomnia. I was averaging a few hours of sleep a night, and this went on for several weeks. It was miserable. My latest pattern is starting to remind me a lot of that time period.
Not sleeping 2 weeks pre-op is far from ideal. While I know I'll have plenty of time to rest post-op, I want to go into surgery well rested, healthy and with a strong immune system. Sleep is essential for those things to happen. I'm not usually one to run to my psychiatrist begging for more meds, but in this case I am acting out of the ordinary. I left a message for her last night telling her that sleep is an issue and that I want to discuss increasing or adding some meds. I'd rather nip this in the bud than risk falling into insomnia again. And at this point I'd prefer feeling tired and drugged in the morning if it at least means that I'm sleeping easily and well at night.
While it is kind of enjoyable to be awake at 6am and be able to take my time having coffee, breakfast and getting ready for work, I wish it could happen under better conditions. I've never been a morning person -- ask anyone who knows me -- so there is something kind of nice about being up and at em. But I would prefer to have gotten a good nights sleep first.
If anyone has any tips on how to quiet the mind and relax at night and how to nurture a good nights sleep, please leave a comment.
Boker tov! (good morning in Hebrew)
Back in late February I was having a terrible bought of insomnia. I was averaging a few hours of sleep a night, and this went on for several weeks. It was miserable. My latest pattern is starting to remind me a lot of that time period.
Not sleeping 2 weeks pre-op is far from ideal. While I know I'll have plenty of time to rest post-op, I want to go into surgery well rested, healthy and with a strong immune system. Sleep is essential for those things to happen. I'm not usually one to run to my psychiatrist begging for more meds, but in this case I am acting out of the ordinary. I left a message for her last night telling her that sleep is an issue and that I want to discuss increasing or adding some meds. I'd rather nip this in the bud than risk falling into insomnia again. And at this point I'd prefer feeling tired and drugged in the morning if it at least means that I'm sleeping easily and well at night.
While it is kind of enjoyable to be awake at 6am and be able to take my time having coffee, breakfast and getting ready for work, I wish it could happen under better conditions. I've never been a morning person -- ask anyone who knows me -- so there is something kind of nice about being up and at em. But I would prefer to have gotten a good nights sleep first.
If anyone has any tips on how to quiet the mind and relax at night and how to nurture a good nights sleep, please leave a comment.
Boker tov! (good morning in Hebrew)
Monday, June 1, 2009
The Month Has Arrived
I couldn't go to bed without writing that today is day 1 of THE MONTH! June has finally arrived and as I try my hardest to feel sleepy, I can't help but think that I have 15 nights of sleep and 14 days until I wake up bright and early and go to the hospital for surgery. It is within reach and it feels so good.
I have calmed down a bit from my earlier post. I think I have written and talked about my nipples enough that I am less freaked out about it. I think I know what I am going to do, but I need to sleep on it a night or two to be sure. It feels good to have my perspective (mostly) back. All I can do is make the most of the next 15 nights and 14 days.
I have calmed down a bit from my earlier post. I think I have written and talked about my nipples enough that I am less freaked out about it. I think I know what I am going to do, but I need to sleep on it a night or two to be sure. It feels good to have my perspective (mostly) back. All I can do is make the most of the next 15 nights and 14 days.
Totally Neurotic
So just to lay it out there from the start, you're about to read about nipples -- specifically, my nipples and what to do with them.
I wrote last week that I am not going to keep my nipples because of the fear that it would mean keeping more breast tissue than I am comfortable with and because it would compromise my desire for a flat chest. I felt pretty okay with that decision. I emailed Dr. Salomonson and told her the decision I had reached and how I had reached it. Last night I lay in bed -- this seems to be becoming a dangerous past time -- totally questioning this decision.
I heard back from Dr. Salomonson via email a little bit ago. Her response made me even more unsure of my decision not to keep my nipples. Her response read: "I support your decision, but really think we have nothing to lose by attempting to save your nipples. This has worked in patients having complete mastectomies for cancer so I will not compromise your goals by preserving too much tissue since I know what your priorities are. If the nipples do not survive, the tissue becomes a scab and gradually flakes off."
This was a very straightforward response. She apparently understands and will honor my desire for a completely flat chest. This means a lot to me. She believes that by keeping the nipple I can still have the flat chest that I desire. I know that mastectomy patients lose pretty much every bit of tissue, so I know that equates to flat in my case, which is good. My sister told me that she heard that is the new wave with breast cancer patients. I will say, though, that the idea of the nipple tissue becoming a scab and gradually flaking off is not exactly desirable. That is the part that scares me the most. It's like I need to know ahead of time if my nipples are going to survive or not, because if they're not I'd rather just lose them in surgery.
One of the things I was doubting last night was how secure I feel in not having nipples and looking "normal." Some people would say that I won't look normal post-op because I will be a female bodied person with no breasts. I of course think that I will look more normal than I've ever looked, scars and all. I just don't know how important keeping my nipples is to me, and I have no idea how to decide!
I am mind fucking this to death, and this is not something I want to do. I feel like I am 2 weeks away from surgery, I need to just go ahead and decide and live with it. But I wrote last week that I know I have time to decide and change my mind and still have the time to sit with a new decision, and it appears that this is what is happening. One of my online trans friends told me "I love it how transpeople are totally changing/redesigning how we see bodies. Surgery is a really personal thing -- you should definitely push for the results that you want" when I shared with him my initial thoughts about not keeping my nipples.
I see my body flat chested, but do I see it with or without nipples? My body is my temple, but what do I really want my temple to look like? Do I want a flat chest with nipples and no tattoos, do I want a flat chest with no nipples and tattoos or do I want a flat chest with nipples and tattoos? Why is this such a difficult decision? I happen to love tattoos and want more, so the thought of tattooing my chest is quite exciting. I promised my wife that I would not get any more tattoos that are visible to others, so that means getting tattoos on my back and chest. But it's not about the tattoos.
My chiropractor/spiritual healer tells me not to believe everything that I think. My question is how do I know what to believe and how do I know what not to believe? My ability to not be in touch with my gut feeling and second guessing everything I do makes it really difficult to decide what is worth believing and doing something about and what I need to just ignore. I know I shouldn't believe everything I think, but I also know I have to believe some things. What will help me decide?
I'm not looking at the past for guidance. The past is what I want to move away from. I'm supposed to stay present and grounded in today, but when I have to make a decision that affects the future, how do you do that? Will the answer just come to me? Maybe. And I really believe that meditation can work in that way. But I have to be able to quiet my mind long enough to hear my inner feelings and intuition, and this is what I'm having problems with the most. I have a job that allows me to think a lot, which is a problem. My excitement about surgery has been keeping me awake at night and waking me up early in the morning. Great -- more time to think! Just what I don't need! I have no other details to focus on. My nipples are it. Everything has been checked off of a carefully constructed list. I want to be able to check this one off of my master list, but this one is proving to not be so easy.
Do I want to preserve my nipples and have a "normal" looking chest? Do I care about having a "normal" looking chest? Do I care if my nipples become a scab and flake off?
I want to believe that any answer to any of these questions would be the right one. That I will be happy with or without nipples, that I won't be grossed out if my nipples scab up and flake off. And I think I am right about that. I'm quite a resilient person, ,and I can pretty much handle anything that comes my way. I am not afraid of surgery or of recovery. On the contrary I am ready to take it head on. But I guess I am afraid of making a decision, even though I think I can handle any consequence of that decision. I want nothing more than to go into surgery knowing exactly what is going to happen. But I know that this isn't possible. I have no idea at this point what kind of hysterectomy I am going to have, and I may not know until I wake up. This bothers me a great deal. I want to be able to make a decision for the sake of making a decision so that I can stop thinking about it. I want to know the fate of my nipples for each option, tell the doctor how I want her to proceed and to stop thinking about it.
What I need to do is fly to Tibet, hang out with the monks in a monastery in the wilderness and have someone teach me once and for all how to quiet my mind long enough to hear my inner voice speak. Even though I know I can handle anything, I dread making the "wrong" decision now. If I decide to keep my nipples and they end up dying, I will deal with it. But how do I decide whether or not to keep my nipples.
I'm pretty sure I'm back where I started. Coming full circle is good about some things, but not about making a decision. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get centered and grounded and hear and trust my intuition, please leave a comment or send me an email. I need all the help I can get right now.
To nipple or not to nipple. That is the question.
I wrote last week that I am not going to keep my nipples because of the fear that it would mean keeping more breast tissue than I am comfortable with and because it would compromise my desire for a flat chest. I felt pretty okay with that decision. I emailed Dr. Salomonson and told her the decision I had reached and how I had reached it. Last night I lay in bed -- this seems to be becoming a dangerous past time -- totally questioning this decision.
I heard back from Dr. Salomonson via email a little bit ago. Her response made me even more unsure of my decision not to keep my nipples. Her response read: "I support your decision, but really think we have nothing to lose by attempting to save your nipples. This has worked in patients having complete mastectomies for cancer so I will not compromise your goals by preserving too much tissue since I know what your priorities are. If the nipples do not survive, the tissue becomes a scab and gradually flakes off."
This was a very straightforward response. She apparently understands and will honor my desire for a completely flat chest. This means a lot to me. She believes that by keeping the nipple I can still have the flat chest that I desire. I know that mastectomy patients lose pretty much every bit of tissue, so I know that equates to flat in my case, which is good. My sister told me that she heard that is the new wave with breast cancer patients. I will say, though, that the idea of the nipple tissue becoming a scab and gradually flaking off is not exactly desirable. That is the part that scares me the most. It's like I need to know ahead of time if my nipples are going to survive or not, because if they're not I'd rather just lose them in surgery.
One of the things I was doubting last night was how secure I feel in not having nipples and looking "normal." Some people would say that I won't look normal post-op because I will be a female bodied person with no breasts. I of course think that I will look more normal than I've ever looked, scars and all. I just don't know how important keeping my nipples is to me, and I have no idea how to decide!
I am mind fucking this to death, and this is not something I want to do. I feel like I am 2 weeks away from surgery, I need to just go ahead and decide and live with it. But I wrote last week that I know I have time to decide and change my mind and still have the time to sit with a new decision, and it appears that this is what is happening. One of my online trans friends told me "I love it how transpeople are totally changing/redesigning how we see bodies. Surgery is a really personal thing -- you should definitely push for the results that you want" when I shared with him my initial thoughts about not keeping my nipples.
I see my body flat chested, but do I see it with or without nipples? My body is my temple, but what do I really want my temple to look like? Do I want a flat chest with nipples and no tattoos, do I want a flat chest with no nipples and tattoos or do I want a flat chest with nipples and tattoos? Why is this such a difficult decision? I happen to love tattoos and want more, so the thought of tattooing my chest is quite exciting. I promised my wife that I would not get any more tattoos that are visible to others, so that means getting tattoos on my back and chest. But it's not about the tattoos.
My chiropractor/spiritual healer tells me not to believe everything that I think. My question is how do I know what to believe and how do I know what not to believe? My ability to not be in touch with my gut feeling and second guessing everything I do makes it really difficult to decide what is worth believing and doing something about and what I need to just ignore. I know I shouldn't believe everything I think, but I also know I have to believe some things. What will help me decide?
I'm not looking at the past for guidance. The past is what I want to move away from. I'm supposed to stay present and grounded in today, but when I have to make a decision that affects the future, how do you do that? Will the answer just come to me? Maybe. And I really believe that meditation can work in that way. But I have to be able to quiet my mind long enough to hear my inner feelings and intuition, and this is what I'm having problems with the most. I have a job that allows me to think a lot, which is a problem. My excitement about surgery has been keeping me awake at night and waking me up early in the morning. Great -- more time to think! Just what I don't need! I have no other details to focus on. My nipples are it. Everything has been checked off of a carefully constructed list. I want to be able to check this one off of my master list, but this one is proving to not be so easy.
Do I want to preserve my nipples and have a "normal" looking chest? Do I care about having a "normal" looking chest? Do I care if my nipples become a scab and flake off?
I want to believe that any answer to any of these questions would be the right one. That I will be happy with or without nipples, that I won't be grossed out if my nipples scab up and flake off. And I think I am right about that. I'm quite a resilient person, ,and I can pretty much handle anything that comes my way. I am not afraid of surgery or of recovery. On the contrary I am ready to take it head on. But I guess I am afraid of making a decision, even though I think I can handle any consequence of that decision. I want nothing more than to go into surgery knowing exactly what is going to happen. But I know that this isn't possible. I have no idea at this point what kind of hysterectomy I am going to have, and I may not know until I wake up. This bothers me a great deal. I want to be able to make a decision for the sake of making a decision so that I can stop thinking about it. I want to know the fate of my nipples for each option, tell the doctor how I want her to proceed and to stop thinking about it.
What I need to do is fly to Tibet, hang out with the monks in a monastery in the wilderness and have someone teach me once and for all how to quiet my mind long enough to hear my inner voice speak. Even though I know I can handle anything, I dread making the "wrong" decision now. If I decide to keep my nipples and they end up dying, I will deal with it. But how do I decide whether or not to keep my nipples.
I'm pretty sure I'm back where I started. Coming full circle is good about some things, but not about making a decision. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get centered and grounded and hear and trust my intuition, please leave a comment or send me an email. I need all the help I can get right now.
To nipple or not to nipple. That is the question.
Friday, May 29, 2009
The Best Birthday Ever
Today is my birthday -- I'm 32 years old. I'm thrilled to be another year older, at least for now. I feel like life experience has aged me more than my actual age in years, so turning another year older brings a little more balance and equilibrium to my life. My age in years feels a little more in check with the age of my soul and spirit.
Not until a few people commented in their birthday wishes to me about the wonderful next year I am creating for myself did I think about my surgeries being a birthday present to myself. I have many new and exciting changes that have recently occurred and that are in the works. I came out to myself, came out to my wife, family and friends, created an online community for myself, worked hard in therapy and am happier than I've ever been because of these things. And I have made surgery possible for myself so that I can be even happier. Birthdays, or any annual milestone or holiday for that matter, are a chance to start over, to begin anew and to pledge to create for yourself a better life, a happier existence and a more meaningful journey. I am determined not to waste this chance at rebirth. There are so many wonderful things ahead of me, so many inspiring and happy moments awaiting me. I need to hold onto this energy and use it to live my life as fully and intentionally as possible. This journey is good and right, and I am honored and humbled to be living it.
On a few more practical notes, I have figured out all the financial details pertaining to insurance and out of pocket expenses, so that is a huge relief. I received a wonderful gift from my wife's grandmother yesterday -- a soft, zip up robe that I can wear post-op. It will definitely come in handy. And I have figured out the remaining logistical details regarding my hematological problems. I finally got a hold of someone from my hematologists office. They are working with their home care pharmacy to arrange my anti-coagulant injections. I will be sent the medication and syringes by an outside pharmacy. It is being arranged that a home health care aid will come to our home the day after surgery and teach my wife and mom to administer the injections. The doctor's office will know if I have to stay in the hospital, and if this is the case they will cancel the home aid and I will instead be shown how to do it while I'm in the hospital. I faxed them my new insurance information, so as far as I know, they are arranging all the details and I no longer have to worry about it. The financial details and the hematologist details are to my knowledge the last remaining details that needed attention. I'm sure something else will pop up in the next few weeks, but I'll be ready for it.
I have a really strong gut feeling that I am going to have an abdominal hysterectomy. I don't know why, and I really don't want it to be the case, but I'm afraid it will be. Maybe I am just preparing myself mentally for the worst case scenario. And maybe I will wake up from surgery with a pleasant surprise of having had laproscopic surgery. But I just have this feeling.... There's nothing I can do to influence it one way or the other, so I might as well be prepared for the worst.
I am 18 days away from surgery and counting. It's kind of cool that today is my birthday and I am 18 days away from surgery. Today is a day when I celebrate being given life and living the life I was given to the fullest. And today the number 18 is a relevant number in my life. In Judaism, the number 18 is equated to the concept of life. So on this day, my birthday, I am both celebrating the life I was blessed with while being 18 days from being reborn. What a wonderful position to be in! L'chaim -- to life!
Not until a few people commented in their birthday wishes to me about the wonderful next year I am creating for myself did I think about my surgeries being a birthday present to myself. I have many new and exciting changes that have recently occurred and that are in the works. I came out to myself, came out to my wife, family and friends, created an online community for myself, worked hard in therapy and am happier than I've ever been because of these things. And I have made surgery possible for myself so that I can be even happier. Birthdays, or any annual milestone or holiday for that matter, are a chance to start over, to begin anew and to pledge to create for yourself a better life, a happier existence and a more meaningful journey. I am determined not to waste this chance at rebirth. There are so many wonderful things ahead of me, so many inspiring and happy moments awaiting me. I need to hold onto this energy and use it to live my life as fully and intentionally as possible. This journey is good and right, and I am honored and humbled to be living it.
On a few more practical notes, I have figured out all the financial details pertaining to insurance and out of pocket expenses, so that is a huge relief. I received a wonderful gift from my wife's grandmother yesterday -- a soft, zip up robe that I can wear post-op. It will definitely come in handy. And I have figured out the remaining logistical details regarding my hematological problems. I finally got a hold of someone from my hematologists office. They are working with their home care pharmacy to arrange my anti-coagulant injections. I will be sent the medication and syringes by an outside pharmacy. It is being arranged that a home health care aid will come to our home the day after surgery and teach my wife and mom to administer the injections. The doctor's office will know if I have to stay in the hospital, and if this is the case they will cancel the home aid and I will instead be shown how to do it while I'm in the hospital. I faxed them my new insurance information, so as far as I know, they are arranging all the details and I no longer have to worry about it. The financial details and the hematologist details are to my knowledge the last remaining details that needed attention. I'm sure something else will pop up in the next few weeks, but I'll be ready for it.
I have a really strong gut feeling that I am going to have an abdominal hysterectomy. I don't know why, and I really don't want it to be the case, but I'm afraid it will be. Maybe I am just preparing myself mentally for the worst case scenario. And maybe I will wake up from surgery with a pleasant surprise of having had laproscopic surgery. But I just have this feeling.... There's nothing I can do to influence it one way or the other, so I might as well be prepared for the worst.
I am 18 days away from surgery and counting. It's kind of cool that today is my birthday and I am 18 days away from surgery. Today is a day when I celebrate being given life and living the life I was given to the fullest. And today the number 18 is a relevant number in my life. In Judaism, the number 18 is equated to the concept of life. So on this day, my birthday, I am both celebrating the life I was blessed with while being 18 days from being reborn. What a wonderful position to be in! L'chaim -- to life!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Just Enough Time
I have decided that what my therapist told me over a month ago is exactly right. If I had less time than I do before surgery, it wouldn't be enough time, and if I had more time, it would be too much time.
While it is definitely painful to be counting down day by day, it is also giving me the time I need to gain and keep a perspective on everything. I need time to process all of the details and to continue making plans. I decided last night the details of my chest surgery, but I need time to let it sink in and to make sure it sits right with me. While part of me feels like, okay, I know what I want, so let's do it, the other, and unfortunately less prominent, side of me says okay, I know what I want, now let's just sit with it for a while and see how it feels.
I don't think I will change my mind about my nipples. But it is still good to have time to think about it and make sure it is what I want. Should I change my mind, I have time for it and would even have time to sit with that for a little bit. But like I said, I know what I want and why I want it, so I will take these next 19 days and just make sure it feels good and right.
I still have to take care of some financial details, and I still need to get that darn prescription for the anti-coagulant, but everything else is taken care of. These next 19 days will be about my relationship, work, sleep, healing energy, joyous thoughts and not believing everything I think. Oh, and doing some major apartment cleaning in anticipation of the arrival of Mom :)
Each morning when I get dressed, I am thankful that I am that much closer to not having to put on my binder. Every night when I shower, I am thankful that I am that much closer to feeling more comfortable when I get out of the shower and see myself in the bathroom mirror. And each night that I lay down beside my wife to go to sleep, I count my blessings that I even have this opportunity. Not everyone is able, for a vast multitude of reasons, to be true to themselves and to follow their true journeys. I am one of the lucky ones, and I will never forget.
While it is definitely painful to be counting down day by day, it is also giving me the time I need to gain and keep a perspective on everything. I need time to process all of the details and to continue making plans. I decided last night the details of my chest surgery, but I need time to let it sink in and to make sure it sits right with me. While part of me feels like, okay, I know what I want, so let's do it, the other, and unfortunately less prominent, side of me says okay, I know what I want, now let's just sit with it for a while and see how it feels.
I don't think I will change my mind about my nipples. But it is still good to have time to think about it and make sure it is what I want. Should I change my mind, I have time for it and would even have time to sit with that for a little bit. But like I said, I know what I want and why I want it, so I will take these next 19 days and just make sure it feels good and right.
I still have to take care of some financial details, and I still need to get that darn prescription for the anti-coagulant, but everything else is taken care of. These next 19 days will be about my relationship, work, sleep, healing energy, joyous thoughts and not believing everything I think. Oh, and doing some major apartment cleaning in anticipation of the arrival of Mom :)
Each morning when I get dressed, I am thankful that I am that much closer to not having to put on my binder. Every night when I shower, I am thankful that I am that much closer to feeling more comfortable when I get out of the shower and see myself in the bathroom mirror. And each night that I lay down beside my wife to go to sleep, I count my blessings that I even have this opportunity. Not everyone is able, for a vast multitude of reasons, to be true to themselves and to follow their true journeys. I am one of the lucky ones, and I will never forget.
About Chest Surgery & My Surgery Plans
One of my readers asked in a comment about the difference between traditional Female to Male (FTM) top surgery and radical breast reduction, so I thought I would write an entry addressing this individual's questions. This is based on my experience with the trans community and in no way makes me an expert on the subject. I will write from my own experience.
There are a handful of surgeons in America who are well known for doing FTM top surgery. The main purpose of FTM top surgery is to construct a male appearing chest. Incisions are made under the pectoral muscles, parallel to the ribs. The nipples and areola are grafted into a new position and are resized to appear male. The chest overall is contoured to appear male.
Any qualified and experienced plastic surgeon can do a radical breast reduction. This is the procedure that I am having done. The main difference between radical breast reduction and FTM top surgery is that in radical breast reduction, the chest is not necessarily contoured to appear male. Incisions are also somewhat different. There is the same incision under the pectoral muscles like in FTM top surgery, but there is an incision that runs perpendicular as well. This type of incision is called an inverted T or an anchor incision. The nipple and areola can be left in tact or it can be grafted and resized. There is typically not as much breast tissue removed in a radical breast reduction as there is in FTM top surgery. The amount of breast tissue removed as well as the grafting and resizing of the nipple and areola depends on the individual's wishes.
I was initially going to go to a well known FTM top surgeon in San Francisco. I decided against this for various reasons. I live in LA, not a small town, so I thought it was ridiculous to go to San Francisco for surgery. Surely someone in LA is qualified to give me the flat chest that I desire. It was also very important for me to be able to recover in my own home and not in a hotel room. I explained to my trans friendly gynecologist what I wanted out of chest surgery and she gave me the name of a plastic surgeon. I went in for a consultation and the rest is (almost) history. I also realized that it is not important to me to have a male appearing chest since I do not identify as male. This sealed the deal that I would do surgery in LA with Dr. Salomonson.
I decided last night as I laid in bed wide awake the specifics that I desire from my chest surgery. In order to keep my nipples and areola I would have to keep some breast tissue so that the blood supply is sustained and the nipples and areola do not die. In the photos I posted in yesterday's blog, there is a rounding, or a bump, in the chest of this man. That rounding, that bump, is not flat enough for me. As I laid awake last night I feared that by doing this I would sacrifice the absolute flatness that I want more than anything. I only have one chance to do this right. I will likely never have the money to have a revision done on my chest. I need to feel confident going into surgery that I will wake up with no regrets, that I will wake up happy.
I have thus decided not to keep my nipples and areola. I will have as much breast tissue and skin removed as possible, leaving my chest tight and flat. By not keeping them I can get rid of the extra breast tissue that I would have to keep to sustain the life in my nipples and areola, and the chances of being flat to my satisfaction are great. I feel good about this decision. Like a friend of mine said, nipples are overrated! I plan on eventually covering my chest with a tattoo, so it makes no difference to me whether or not I have nipples. I know that this is the right decision. I do not want to come out of surgery with small breasts or with even a bump, and this is the way to ensure that that happens. I just want to be flat and aesthetically pleasing to my eyes and to my wife.
If any of my readers have questions about surgery, gender identity, etc. that they would like answered, please post a comment and I will be happy to write about them from my own experience in a future blog.
19 days from this moment, I will be in the recovery room, officially post-op. I am so excited! I am more than ready to exist in the body that my mind visualizes. I am more than ready to come home to myself. And I am more than ready to stop wearing this hot, tight, itchy binder!!! It will feel so good to be able to just throw on a shirt and be on my merry way. Thank you, whoever you are who are reading this, for supporting me as I walk the path to finding myself and being true to myself.
There are a handful of surgeons in America who are well known for doing FTM top surgery. The main purpose of FTM top surgery is to construct a male appearing chest. Incisions are made under the pectoral muscles, parallel to the ribs. The nipples and areola are grafted into a new position and are resized to appear male. The chest overall is contoured to appear male.
Any qualified and experienced plastic surgeon can do a radical breast reduction. This is the procedure that I am having done. The main difference between radical breast reduction and FTM top surgery is that in radical breast reduction, the chest is not necessarily contoured to appear male. Incisions are also somewhat different. There is the same incision under the pectoral muscles like in FTM top surgery, but there is an incision that runs perpendicular as well. This type of incision is called an inverted T or an anchor incision. The nipple and areola can be left in tact or it can be grafted and resized. There is typically not as much breast tissue removed in a radical breast reduction as there is in FTM top surgery. The amount of breast tissue removed as well as the grafting and resizing of the nipple and areola depends on the individual's wishes.
I was initially going to go to a well known FTM top surgeon in San Francisco. I decided against this for various reasons. I live in LA, not a small town, so I thought it was ridiculous to go to San Francisco for surgery. Surely someone in LA is qualified to give me the flat chest that I desire. It was also very important for me to be able to recover in my own home and not in a hotel room. I explained to my trans friendly gynecologist what I wanted out of chest surgery and she gave me the name of a plastic surgeon. I went in for a consultation and the rest is (almost) history. I also realized that it is not important to me to have a male appearing chest since I do not identify as male. This sealed the deal that I would do surgery in LA with Dr. Salomonson.
I decided last night as I laid in bed wide awake the specifics that I desire from my chest surgery. In order to keep my nipples and areola I would have to keep some breast tissue so that the blood supply is sustained and the nipples and areola do not die. In the photos I posted in yesterday's blog, there is a rounding, or a bump, in the chest of this man. That rounding, that bump, is not flat enough for me. As I laid awake last night I feared that by doing this I would sacrifice the absolute flatness that I want more than anything. I only have one chance to do this right. I will likely never have the money to have a revision done on my chest. I need to feel confident going into surgery that I will wake up with no regrets, that I will wake up happy.
I have thus decided not to keep my nipples and areola. I will have as much breast tissue and skin removed as possible, leaving my chest tight and flat. By not keeping them I can get rid of the extra breast tissue that I would have to keep to sustain the life in my nipples and areola, and the chances of being flat to my satisfaction are great. I feel good about this decision. Like a friend of mine said, nipples are overrated! I plan on eventually covering my chest with a tattoo, so it makes no difference to me whether or not I have nipples. I know that this is the right decision. I do not want to come out of surgery with small breasts or with even a bump, and this is the way to ensure that that happens. I just want to be flat and aesthetically pleasing to my eyes and to my wife.
If any of my readers have questions about surgery, gender identity, etc. that they would like answered, please post a comment and I will be happy to write about them from my own experience in a future blog.
19 days from this moment, I will be in the recovery room, officially post-op. I am so excited! I am more than ready to exist in the body that my mind visualizes. I am more than ready to come home to myself. And I am more than ready to stop wearing this hot, tight, itchy binder!!! It will feel so good to be able to just throw on a shirt and be on my merry way. Thank you, whoever you are who are reading this, for supporting me as I walk the path to finding myself and being true to myself.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Standing Under A Joy Tree
My friend, chiropractor and spiritual healer instructed me to visualize and experience as much joy and balance as possible these next few weeks and to not believe everything that I think. These are things worthy of my time and effort. I will try my hardest to exist under a canopy of joy and only let in positive, healing energy. I have been spending way too much time in my head these past few months, obsessed with all of the details, worry and anxiety about surgery. Not believing everything I think -- being conscious and aware of my thoughts -- will help me experience the joy of it all.
I am choosing to believe that non-western interventions will help me as well. I started taking echinacea and goldenseal to give my immune system a boost so that I don't get sick right before surgery. And today I went to the Santa Monica Homeopathic Pharmacy and purchased Arnica Multiplex and Pain and Inflammation Multiplex. The Arnica Multiplex promotes healing and will be started 3 days pre-op. The Pain and Inflammtion Multiplex will be started post-op and is meant to decrease pain, swelling and bruising. I think that homeopathy is half about believing that it will work, so I am choosing to believe that these two multiplexes will help make for a smoother and less painful recovery. In this case, I guess I should believe what I think and let the negative thoughts go. Easier said than done, but it's sure worth trying.
I am choosing to believe that non-western interventions will help me as well. I started taking echinacea and goldenseal to give my immune system a boost so that I don't get sick right before surgery. And today I went to the Santa Monica Homeopathic Pharmacy and purchased Arnica Multiplex and Pain and Inflammation Multiplex. The Arnica Multiplex promotes healing and will be started 3 days pre-op. The Pain and Inflammtion Multiplex will be started post-op and is meant to decrease pain, swelling and bruising. I think that homeopathy is half about believing that it will work, so I am choosing to believe that these two multiplexes will help make for a smoother and less painful recovery. In this case, I guess I should believe what I think and let the negative thoughts go. Easier said than done, but it's sure worth trying.
My Future Chest
The photos above were taken of a female to male transgender person who had a radical breast reduction. This is the procedure I will be having. My surgeon, after viewing the photos, told me that these photos are realistic expectations to have. If this is what I look like post-op I will be one truly happy camper! I am so excited just thinking about it. 20 days and counting!
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