Introduction

Hello, my name is Ami, and I identify as transgenderqueer. I am starting this blog for two reasons. The first is that I love to write. The second is that on June 16th, I will be undergoing a major life change by having a radical breast reduction and a hysterectomy. While the hysterectomy is also medically necessary, I am having it and chest surgery so that I will finally feel at home in my body again. I have not felt at home in my body since before puberty when I began growing breasts and started menstruating.

I am currently 6 weeks and 2 days away from my surgeries. Yesterday was 6 weeks away from my last day of work until I am recovered. Today is 6 weeks away from when my mom arrives in LA for 2 1/2 weeks to help take care of me post-op. Monday will be 6 weeks away from my pre-op appointment with my chest surgeon, and Tuesday at 7am will be 6 weeks away from when I arrive at the hospital to check in and prepare for surgery. Can you tell at all that I'm counting every second?!

I have a lot of impatience mixed with anxiety and eagerness, and it is starting to take a toll on me. I know that more than anything I need to prepare myself physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually for these surgeries, but it is hard to stay focused and in the moment. Someone told me recently that more than anything I need to be at peace when I go in for surgery, and I am far from that right now. So I know what I need to do, it's just a matter of doing it.

I am preparing myself logistically. I bought short sleeve button-up PJs to wear around the house immediately post-op when I can't really raise my arms. I also bought some button up shirts for if I go out of the house. Since I will be bleeding/draining from the hysterectomy for a few weeks, I had to buy women's underwear again so I can wear liners -- I even bought the liners already. Since I have a big ole tummy, I bought a girdle type thing to wear to help me suck it all in and look more even with my flat chest. It will probably help my abdomen feel better as well. My pre-op and post-op appointments are almost made. I still have to schedule with my hematologist for pre-op bloodwork.

Now that I have the logistical things taken care of, I need to be focusing on myself and preparing myself in the ways I mentioned earlier. It is easier said than done. I have been feeling a bit neurotic about the details of the surgeries, and this is making it impossible for me to relax and find peace of mind. Will my chest be flat enough? What do I do about my nipples? How will I be on a clear liquid diet for 2 days pre-op when I am working outside at LA Pride those days? Will I shower the night before surgery or will I shower the morning of surgery? I am killing myself with these little nit picky questions and details. It's really quite ridiculous, I realize, but I just can't seem to move past them. I have 6 weeks still, and it seems like a really long time, but I know that it will go by quickly. I have to believe that I have these 6 weeks for a reason, and that it is just the right amount of time. Any less would not be enough and any more would be too much.

How do I stay present when there is so much to look forward to? How do I find peace of mind when there is so much to be excited about? The answers will surely come.