My Gender Journey

People ask me when I knew that I was transgenderqueer (I combine transgender and genderqueer into one word because I think it best describes me), and my response is that I've known since I was a little kid that I was different, that I was an other, but that I hadn't, for the most part, been talking about it seriously or acting on anything related to it prior to living in Israel. I definitely knew at puberty that something was really wrong, that something terrible was happening, when I got my period and started growing breasts. If I had to give my gender journey a name, it would definitely be "the journey of a boy who will never grow up to be a man." And that's truly how I feel, like a boy who will never grow up to be a man, hence why I don't want to go on testosterone and fully transition. The whole "boy" thing is sort of metaphorical (I'm obviously not really a boy), and I'm still working on figuring the meaning of that one out. I guess when I think about it, post June 16th, my body will be returning to its pre-pubescent state (no breasts, no period), which was the last time I felt at home in it. My true self, my being true to who I am inside, my coming home to myself and to my body, will happen by becoming physically more androgynous and remaining the proud s/he that I am.

I do believe that Israel was life changing for me. I think there was something about being in such a gendered, dichotomous and black and white society for 13 months that pushed me the other way, that forced me to see that I didn't fit into either gender box. And somehow, some way, I found my voice in Israel, and I began using it, slowly but surely. And when we got to LA, I really began to use it. Now it's kind of hard for me to shut up!

I think it was the first weekend that my wife went to her student pulpit in September, 2008 that I spent the whole weekend online reading and watching everything I could about gender identity and transitioning, etc. I knew by the early hours of Sunday morning that I wanted to have chest surgery and to have a hysterectomy, regardless of whether it would be medically necessary or not. I knew that the feeling of not being at home in my body was due to body dysphoria caused by having a period and having breasts. I had found the word genderqueer and strongly identified with it. I began seeing myself as transgender. I knew that I wanted to start binding my chest and cut my hair off. No more hiding behind the haircut I got in Israel -- short in the back but long in the front. I was hiding behind the long part. I knew when I cut my hair completely off I would be coming out. When my wife got home I hesitantly told her about my weekend and about my revelations. She hesitantly and cautiously listened and accepted what I was telling her.

After the high holidays, I ordered my binders and began to bind my chest. As uncomfortable and HOT as it is to bind, it felt and feels great, because I like the results, I like having a flat chest. I went in for my haircut. The first one was a longish short hair cut. I went back a few days later, braver, and got it cut shorter. 2 weeks later I went back yet again and got it cut to my satisfaction. It's stayed short ever since. I decided that just because I look androgynous or like a man with my chest bound and my hair short and my men's clothes doesn't mean I shouldn't do and wear those things just because I was assigned female at birth. I knew that I had to start being true to myself, and I knew that the more I was true to myself, the happier I became. What a revelation!

It's basically been 7 months since my gender journey really kicked in. I began binding, I cut my hair off, I began wearing exclusively men's clothes, I began coming out to people as being transgenderqueer. I began being me. I used my new found voice more and more. I found out I needed a hysterectomy for medical reasons and moved my chest surgery date up pretty significantly so that I could have both procedures at the same time. I saw the doctors I needed to see to make the two surgeries I wanted actually happen. I found the pride and strength to come out en mass to my family and friends, and the responses were amazing and made me more proud and more strong. I'm out at work and am going to join the newly forming transgender advisory board. I spoke up when they changed the gender neutral bathrooms at my work location back to gender specific bathrooms, explaining to them that gender specific bathrooms are not safe or comfortable for me and other trans and genderqueer people. And my organization is looking for a solution because I and others spoke up!

This past Friday night, I was working a big gala fundraiser event called "A Night With Women." It was attended by probably 75% women and probably 90% LGBT. I was really nervous to be at an event with so many lesbians, because I'm usually really uncomfortable around lesbians en mass, because I feel like there's a lot of posturing and sizing up, and I guess I feel like I don't meaure up to how I'm being labeled based on my looks -- as a butch lesbian. I'm not really butch aside from my appearance, and I don't really like the word lesbian, although based on the fact that my sex is female and I am married to a woman, I accept it on a certain level as a label to describe me. Maybe it was because I was working and was distracted by all of my responsibilities, but I faired well Friday night. I felt strong and confident in who I am and walked with my head held high. I was particularly struck by the older butch lesbians who were there decked out in their suits and ties, with their greying short hair cuts. Part of me saw myself 30 years from now when I looked at them, but then I would look at their big breasts and question that. What separates me from butch lesbians? I consider myself transgenderqueer, for one thing, only partly a woman, and in many ways like a third gender, neither man or woman. I have body dysphoria and am having surgery to correct it. But like my wife said, if those older butch lesbians who I look like a younger version of could come of age now, maybe they'd opt for chest surgery too, since it's an option now and wasn't then, so maybe I'm not so different. Until Friday night I had been feeling excluded from lesbian and womens communities because I feared that my genderqueerness made me too different to have a place in them, but I am beginning to think that was self inflicted. As long as I consider part of myself to be a woman, or as long as I have estrogen running through me, I belong in women's spaces. I have a deep connection with women, and I never want to lose that.

Someone I was working with Friday night commented on a woman who walked into the event, saying that she looked like a man, that maybe she was in transition. I said, yeah, well, I look like a guy. And she said that I didn't. She said I just look like a butch. I was kind of flattered. I always assume that people think I'm a guy or that I look like a guy, so the fact that she said I just look butch felt kind of good. And there was a college kid there volunteering. Alex. She really looked like a teenage boy. She was cute and sweet and nice and we had a connection. Apparently at one point I had left the room that was being set up and Alex said "Where'd that nice butch woman go?" So when I came back in everyone was like "Hey, there's the nice butch woman," and my wife told me the story. I was kind of flattered, and it was as if Alex looked at me like a role model, and that felt really good.

My identity journey is old in that I've known since I was a kid that I'm different, but major movement has only happened this past year. Every week has brought awareness, changes, transformation, enlightenment. Look at Friday night and how enlightening it was for me. It's crazy how intense this all has been and continues to be. And I am so young, figuratively and literally. It is exciting to see what life will bring me, where this gender journey will take me. I am so excited for June 16th and my surgeries. Then I can get on with my life. People who I met in Israel and who are also here in LA have commented on how much happier and well spoken I am now than when they first met me. I told my mom the other night that I'm a much happier person now that I'm out to myself and to family and friends and work. That being true to myself is an amazing way to live, that my surgeries are necessary to help rid me of the body dysphoria so I can focus on better and happier things. My relationship with my wife is better than it ever has been. We are open and honest with each other, and she truly knows me in a way that she never has before. As fast as this gender journey has happened, it's happened slow enough for her to keep up and adjust to new things and to understand where I am on my path. Every part of our relationship is better. It's really crazy how openness and communication makes things so healthy and special between two people. Life isn't perfect, but things are still good, and it's awesome to be able to say that.

I'm currently reading my third Leslie Feinberg book -- Trans Liberation. It's an amazing non-fiction book, a collection of Leslie's speeches and such. Like all of Leslie's books that I've read, I relate so much to what sie says. In the first speech, Leslie had introduced hirself (sie and hirself are gender neutral language) to the audience of male heterosexual cross-dresssers as "I am a masculine, lesbian, female-to-male cross-dresser and transgenderist." Hmmm...that about sums this boy's journey up.

Introduction

Hello, my name is Ami, and I identify as transgenderqueer. I am starting this blog for two reasons. The first is that I love to write. The second is that on June 16th, I will be undergoing a major life change by having a radical breast reduction and a hysterectomy. While the hysterectomy is also medically necessary, I am having it and chest surgery so that I will finally feel at home in my body again. I have not felt at home in my body since before puberty when I began growing breasts and started menstruating.

I am currently 6 weeks and 2 days away from my surgeries. Yesterday was 6 weeks away from my last day of work until I am recovered. Today is 6 weeks away from when my mom arrives in LA for 2 1/2 weeks to help take care of me post-op. Monday will be 6 weeks away from my pre-op appointment with my chest surgeon, and Tuesday at 7am will be 6 weeks away from when I arrive at the hospital to check in and prepare for surgery. Can you tell at all that I'm counting every second?!

I have a lot of impatience mixed with anxiety and eagerness, and it is starting to take a toll on me. I know that more than anything I need to prepare myself physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually for these surgeries, but it is hard to stay focused and in the moment. Someone told me recently that more than anything I need to be at peace when I go in for surgery, and I am far from that right now. So I know what I need to do, it's just a matter of doing it.

I am preparing myself logistically. I bought short sleeve button-up PJs to wear around the house immediately post-op when I can't really raise my arms. I also bought some button up shirts for if I go out of the house. Since I will be bleeding/draining from the hysterectomy for a few weeks, I had to buy women's underwear again so I can wear liners -- I even bought the liners already. Since I have a big ole tummy, I bought a girdle type thing to wear to help me suck it all in and look more even with my flat chest. It will probably help my abdomen feel better as well. My pre-op and post-op appointments are almost made. I still have to schedule with my hematologist for pre-op bloodwork.

Now that I have the logistical things taken care of, I need to be focusing on myself and preparing myself in the ways I mentioned earlier. It is easier said than done. I have been feeling a bit neurotic about the details of the surgeries, and this is making it impossible for me to relax and find peace of mind. Will my chest be flat enough? What do I do about my nipples? How will I be on a clear liquid diet for 2 days pre-op when I am working outside at LA Pride those days? Will I shower the night before surgery or will I shower the morning of surgery? I am killing myself with these little nit picky questions and details. It's really quite ridiculous, I realize, but I just can't seem to move past them. I have 6 weeks still, and it seems like a really long time, but I know that it will go by quickly. I have to believe that I have these 6 weeks for a reason, and that it is just the right amount of time. Any less would not be enough and any more would be too much.

How do I stay present when there is so much to look forward to? How do I find peace of mind when there is so much to be excited about? The answers will surely come.