Pride is definitely on my mind these days. While LA Pride is still 5 weeks away, my office and organization is very busy with preparations. LA Pride is a huge marketing opportunity for the Center, so everyone takes the details very seriously. It is humorous to me the things we have related meetings about: what games should we have in the festival booth, what fabric should we decorate the parade truck with, how many colors should be in the t-shirt design, etc.? When it comes to Pride, everything is important. All of the meetings and details and coordination leads up to the weekend when the Center and the LGBTQ community can be proud of who they are.
At one point in today's 2 1/2 hour meeting, I spaced out. Pride. This is something that is in many ways new to me. Until recently, my self pride was limited. Don't get me wrong. My self confidence was for the most part intact. I knew that I was a good human being, a good spouse, friend, coworker and family member. I knew that I was a nice, modest, approachable person with a good sense of humor. I was proud of who I was, but part of me was hidden, and because of this my pride could only extend so far.
Relating to something I wrote yesterday about being known, the process of coming out of hiding has helped strengthen the pride I have in myself and as a result the pride I have in others. I have made it a point to be known, for my true self to emerge and share its voice. With this has come a whole new sense of pride. And watching and experiencing how others have reacted to my coming out and being known, knowing that they hear me, know me, hold me and love me makes me 10,000 times more proud of each and every one of them. That sense of pride comes in knowing that although sometimes the content and details of who I am may be difficult to understand, people are still willing to work past their own discomfort and lack of knowledge and understanding and accept and embrace me for being me.
LA Pride weekend will be very busy for me, as I'll be working more than not. But I know that I will have a deeper appreciation for the concept of pride than I ever have before. Pride in my family and friends for loving me, supporting me and believing in me. Pride in my community for acting boldly and demanding tolerance and acceptance. Pride in myself for being true to who I am on the inside. This June I will not only celebrate LGBTQ pride, but I will also celebrate Ami Pride by having life changing surgeries, by continuing on this amazing path and journey and by getting on with my life so I can do and achieve many more things to be proud of. Pride is a theme I wish to establish in my life for the long haul, and I will be proud to have you on this journey with me.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Working With Amazing Medical Professionals
I just got off the phone with Dr. Salomonson's office manager, Debbie. We scheduled my first post-op appointment for the Friday after surgery when I will hopefully get my drains out before the weekend. My plan is to move my arms and torso as little as possible those first few days to keep the swelling to a minimum. It would be so nice to get the drains out Friday instead of having to wait until the following week. Debbie is an incredibly nice, pleasant and helpful person. I have called her many times with many questions, and she is always so patient and professional with me. Dr. Salomonson responds consistently and quickly to emails I have sent her about the specifics of my chest surgery. I feel fortunate to have ended up with a doctor and office like this one.
Dr. Knox is an amazing human being and doctor. She was actually very instrumental in me getting my job at the Center, as she is on the board of directors. I think she is a gynecological and surgical genius. She seems to know everything about everything and is pretty darn modest about it. I look up to Dr. Knox for many reasons and consider her to be a role model. Her office staff are pretty awesome too. Manya, who coordinates Dr. Knox's surgeries, has been very helpful and responsive to my many questions and inquiries. I am grateful that they are a part of my health care team.
I've also dealt some with Saint John's Health Center where I will be having my surgeries. I have dealt with the Admissions and Financial Counseling office numerous times as I've worked on gathering financial information and various contact information. The people I have spoken with on the phone have all been pleasant and helpful.
I can't think of a bad experience I've had so far. I feel very fortunate and am very grateful that the medical professionals I am working with are treating me with such dignity, respect and courtesy. I hear so many horror stories about people's trials and tribulations navigating the American health care system. I'm still 6 weeks away from my surgeries, so bad things could still happen, but I don't think that they will. Very few logistical details still need my attention, so I just can't imagine anything horrible happening. I expect that people will continue to be helpful and that my pre-op appointments will go smoothly as long as I come prepared with all of my questions and concerns. Saint John's has an excellent reputation, so I expect surgery day to run smoothly as well. If, when this is all said and done, I can talk about a truly positive experience with the American health care system, I will be so, so lucky. But I know that I have to continue to do my part and be a responsible patient.
Dr. Knox is an amazing human being and doctor. She was actually very instrumental in me getting my job at the Center, as she is on the board of directors. I think she is a gynecological and surgical genius. She seems to know everything about everything and is pretty darn modest about it. I look up to Dr. Knox for many reasons and consider her to be a role model. Her office staff are pretty awesome too. Manya, who coordinates Dr. Knox's surgeries, has been very helpful and responsive to my many questions and inquiries. I am grateful that they are a part of my health care team.
I've also dealt some with Saint John's Health Center where I will be having my surgeries. I have dealt with the Admissions and Financial Counseling office numerous times as I've worked on gathering financial information and various contact information. The people I have spoken with on the phone have all been pleasant and helpful.
I can't think of a bad experience I've had so far. I feel very fortunate and am very grateful that the medical professionals I am working with are treating me with such dignity, respect and courtesy. I hear so many horror stories about people's trials and tribulations navigating the American health care system. I'm still 6 weeks away from my surgeries, so bad things could still happen, but I don't think that they will. Very few logistical details still need my attention, so I just can't imagine anything horrible happening. I expect that people will continue to be helpful and that my pre-op appointments will go smoothly as long as I come prepared with all of my questions and concerns. Saint John's has an excellent reputation, so I expect surgery day to run smoothly as well. If, when this is all said and done, I can talk about a truly positive experience with the American health care system, I will be so, so lucky. But I know that I have to continue to do my part and be a responsible patient.
Left Brain vs. Right Brain
Logical vs. random. Rational vs. intuitive. Analytical vs. holistic. Objective vs. subjective. Parts vs. wholes. I want the latter, please.
I've noticed lately that I have been operating under the auspices of my left brain far more than that of my right brain. As a person who is very emotional, sensitive and vulnerable by nature, living this way has been extremely difficult on me. I am so focused on details and logistics, and it is easier to deal with those things from the left brain. But I know that there are a lot of emotions I am not feeling right now. When I think and analyze as frequently as I have been, there is no time or room to feel emotion. Where did my emotion, sensitivity and vulnerability go? Pretty soon, I am going to run out of details and logistics. What then? Will I feel again? Will my creative spirit reemerge? Earlier I was rereading some of the posts I wrote on the blog I kept when living in Israel. While some were straightforward and detail oriented, most were creative and free spirited and charged with emotion and vulnerability. I want that back. I worry that I will stay left brained up to the time of surgery and then make a massive switch to my right brain post-op and be an emotional wreck. Not because I would regret having had the surgeries, but rather because I would no longer have something tangible and concrete on which to focus my thoughts and energy. I would be left to feel. I expressed this fear to my therapist today at the end of my session, and she responded by telling me that we are slowly, together, finding the vulnerability and that I will reunite with my emotion. I just hope it comes sooner rather than later. Living from my left brain feels so foreign to me; it is an uncomfortable way for me to interact with the world.
One thing that I think is going to help reunite me with my old self is this blog. The more I write, the more I see how truly left brained I am being, and the more it bothers me. By continually exposing myself -- my thoughts, feelings, and emotions -- I make myself more and more vulnerable, a familiar state of being. Maybe by blogging I can get all of the left brained stuff sorted out and down on paper and can then focus on the creative and emotional part of myself. Ultimately what I want to happen through this blog is for me -- Ami -- to be truly known. That is what I have been working so hard on of late. By writing and emailing and sharing my journey and private thoughts, I am making myself known -- the whole of me, the left brain and the right brain. I have a deep, innate need to be known right now. I suppose it is a reaction to keeping my true nature and self a secret for so many years, to both myself and to others. I found my voice and now I want to use it. I want to proudly and humbly tell people who I am so they can truly know me. To be truly known, and to still be truly loved, supported and held, is a beautiful thing, and it is an important process that I have been focusing on these past months by sending out letters and emails and by posting blogs. Hear me, know me, hold me and love me. That's all I ask and is all that I need.
I've noticed lately that I have been operating under the auspices of my left brain far more than that of my right brain. As a person who is very emotional, sensitive and vulnerable by nature, living this way has been extremely difficult on me. I am so focused on details and logistics, and it is easier to deal with those things from the left brain. But I know that there are a lot of emotions I am not feeling right now. When I think and analyze as frequently as I have been, there is no time or room to feel emotion. Where did my emotion, sensitivity and vulnerability go? Pretty soon, I am going to run out of details and logistics. What then? Will I feel again? Will my creative spirit reemerge? Earlier I was rereading some of the posts I wrote on the blog I kept when living in Israel. While some were straightforward and detail oriented, most were creative and free spirited and charged with emotion and vulnerability. I want that back. I worry that I will stay left brained up to the time of surgery and then make a massive switch to my right brain post-op and be an emotional wreck. Not because I would regret having had the surgeries, but rather because I would no longer have something tangible and concrete on which to focus my thoughts and energy. I would be left to feel. I expressed this fear to my therapist today at the end of my session, and she responded by telling me that we are slowly, together, finding the vulnerability and that I will reunite with my emotion. I just hope it comes sooner rather than later. Living from my left brain feels so foreign to me; it is an uncomfortable way for me to interact with the world.
One thing that I think is going to help reunite me with my old self is this blog. The more I write, the more I see how truly left brained I am being, and the more it bothers me. By continually exposing myself -- my thoughts, feelings, and emotions -- I make myself more and more vulnerable, a familiar state of being. Maybe by blogging I can get all of the left brained stuff sorted out and down on paper and can then focus on the creative and emotional part of myself. Ultimately what I want to happen through this blog is for me -- Ami -- to be truly known. That is what I have been working so hard on of late. By writing and emailing and sharing my journey and private thoughts, I am making myself known -- the whole of me, the left brain and the right brain. I have a deep, innate need to be known right now. I suppose it is a reaction to keeping my true nature and self a secret for so many years, to both myself and to others. I found my voice and now I want to use it. I want to proudly and humbly tell people who I am so they can truly know me. To be truly known, and to still be truly loved, supported and held, is a beautiful thing, and it is an important process that I have been focusing on these past months by sending out letters and emails and by posting blogs. Hear me, know me, hold me and love me. That's all I ask and is all that I need.
Work Details Are Falling Into Place
I found out when I got to work this morning that my supervisor has been talking to the HR supervisor for me regarding my time away from work for my surgeries. I had requested that I be put on unpaid leave and be allowed to keep my sick and vacation days rather than go in the hole. The reasons for this are simple. I want to keep some sick leave in case my first few weeks back to work I am extremely fatigued and need to take a half day or a whole day off here and there. I also know exactly what leave I need to take through the end of the year, and I want to have days for that. There will be no trips to Hawaii or Santa Fe, unfortunately, just family and religious obligations. And when I say obligations, I mean it in the best sense of the word. I get the pleasure of seeing my sister-in-law graduate from her doctorate of audiology program next weekend. I will get to meet my new niece/nephew Labor Day weekend and spend time with my sister and brother-in-law. The high holidays arrive in September, and I hope to spend the week of Thanksgiving in West Virginia visiting home and family for what will be the first time in one year and four months.
As a full time, exempt employee of the Center, my probationary period lasts for 6 months. They are willing to put me on unpaid leave as long as I agree to extend my probationary period by the amount of time I am out of the office on leave. This seems perfectly fair to me and makes total sense. It just means I will be on probation through the end of October, but that's okay. I work hard and am dedicated to my job and to the organization, so being on probation longer doesn't intimidate me. I joked with my boss that now I have to behave myself for longer than I thought I would have to. She appreciated the humor. HR will draft some type of paperwork that I will have to sign to make it all official, and they are working on that right now.
I feel less anxious now that the work details are being tended to. I feel a certain amount of guilt for having to take 4-6 weeks off from work. No sooner will my coworkers have gotten used to having me here and then I disappear for a chunk of time. But I know I did this the responsible way. I am waiting until after LA Pride to have my surgeries. My department is heavily involved in the preparation for Pride, and it is important that I am here to help as much as possible. Things will be very quiet until the beginning of August when we gear up for a big fundraiser. So it is the perfect time to be gone. I talked to my boss about needing to have surgery openly and honestly, and she came back with nothing but concern and support. I have made sure and will continue to make sure that my absence does not negatively affect my department and immediate coworkers, and knowing that this has been done and that I have the full support of my coworkers will help me in my recovery, and I am grateful for that.
As a full time, exempt employee of the Center, my probationary period lasts for 6 months. They are willing to put me on unpaid leave as long as I agree to extend my probationary period by the amount of time I am out of the office on leave. This seems perfectly fair to me and makes total sense. It just means I will be on probation through the end of October, but that's okay. I work hard and am dedicated to my job and to the organization, so being on probation longer doesn't intimidate me. I joked with my boss that now I have to behave myself for longer than I thought I would have to. She appreciated the humor. HR will draft some type of paperwork that I will have to sign to make it all official, and they are working on that right now.
I feel less anxious now that the work details are being tended to. I feel a certain amount of guilt for having to take 4-6 weeks off from work. No sooner will my coworkers have gotten used to having me here and then I disappear for a chunk of time. But I know I did this the responsible way. I am waiting until after LA Pride to have my surgeries. My department is heavily involved in the preparation for Pride, and it is important that I am here to help as much as possible. Things will be very quiet until the beginning of August when we gear up for a big fundraiser. So it is the perfect time to be gone. I talked to my boss about needing to have surgery openly and honestly, and she came back with nothing but concern and support. I have made sure and will continue to make sure that my absence does not negatively affect my department and immediate coworkers, and knowing that this has been done and that I have the full support of my coworkers will help me in my recovery, and I am grateful for that.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Hyster Sisters, For Lack of a Better Name
So when I found out that I was going to have to have a hysterectomy, I started researching on the internet about hysterectomies. Everything kept coming up from the HysterSisters website. Wow, what an annoying name! I know it's clever because it rhymes and everything, but what if you don't consider yourself a HysterSister?! I begrudgingly joined.
Excessively gendered language grates on my nerves quite a bit. Ladies. Gals. Maam. Etc. I can do without the niceties and politeness, as I don't relate to those words at all. I'm into more gender neutral language and wish that it were used more regularly in our society, but alas, I think it will be a while before that happens. I don't correct people if they lump me in with the ladies or refer to me as maam, just as I don't say anything when I get called he or sir by someone. I wish I could honestly say that they're just words, but language has such a strong hold on our society. I hope that someday gender will have been deconstructed and that there will be more pronoun and general language choices for people to use for the very genderqueer world that I envision existing.
Not surprisingly, the HysterSisters website is sexist and heterosexist. It is assumed that all of the women have a husband and that they are cookie cutter, ultra feminine, right out of the box women. But darn it if the website isn't one of the best! It's chock full of chat rooms, message threads, articles, resources, etc. that tells one everything there is to know about having a hysterectomy. If I had the time and the resources, I'd start a website called HysterBois or HysterTrannys or something like that. I know it doesn't rhyme and therefore lacks the "catchy and cute" effect that HysterSisters has, but it sure does allow for the existence of the many female bodied people who do not feel comfortable in a sexist and heterosexist environment. And you can't tell me that there aren't a lot of gender variant, transgender, single, masculine, very much not in the box women out there who have to get hysterectomies.
I spent time on HysterSisters, but I haven't been on in a while. I think I could easily make myself crazy with the gathering of any and all information relating to hysterectomies. Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to be anxious and that I have the capacity to be neurotic, so I have to monitor things like information gathering. And I may have to have a unilateral (and hopefully not bilateral) oopherectomy (removal of ovary), so don't even let me get started on that. In some cases, all I can do is trust my doctor and trust that ignorance is bliss.
If you can think of something as clever as HysterSisters to go with Oopher, you'll win major brownie points in my book :)
Excessively gendered language grates on my nerves quite a bit. Ladies. Gals. Maam. Etc. I can do without the niceties and politeness, as I don't relate to those words at all. I'm into more gender neutral language and wish that it were used more regularly in our society, but alas, I think it will be a while before that happens. I don't correct people if they lump me in with the ladies or refer to me as maam, just as I don't say anything when I get called he or sir by someone. I wish I could honestly say that they're just words, but language has such a strong hold on our society. I hope that someday gender will have been deconstructed and that there will be more pronoun and general language choices for people to use for the very genderqueer world that I envision existing.
Not surprisingly, the HysterSisters website is sexist and heterosexist. It is assumed that all of the women have a husband and that they are cookie cutter, ultra feminine, right out of the box women. But darn it if the website isn't one of the best! It's chock full of chat rooms, message threads, articles, resources, etc. that tells one everything there is to know about having a hysterectomy. If I had the time and the resources, I'd start a website called HysterBois or HysterTrannys or something like that. I know it doesn't rhyme and therefore lacks the "catchy and cute" effect that HysterSisters has, but it sure does allow for the existence of the many female bodied people who do not feel comfortable in a sexist and heterosexist environment. And you can't tell me that there aren't a lot of gender variant, transgender, single, masculine, very much not in the box women out there who have to get hysterectomies.
I spent time on HysterSisters, but I haven't been on in a while. I think I could easily make myself crazy with the gathering of any and all information relating to hysterectomies. Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to be anxious and that I have the capacity to be neurotic, so I have to monitor things like information gathering. And I may have to have a unilateral (and hopefully not bilateral) oopherectomy (removal of ovary), so don't even let me get started on that. In some cases, all I can do is trust my doctor and trust that ignorance is bliss.
If you can think of something as clever as HysterSisters to go with Oopher, you'll win major brownie points in my book :)
Annoying Details
I want nothing more than to be done with all of the annoying little details associated with my surgeries. My PJs and undies have shipped but have yet to turn up where I had them delivered. Will my wife's schedule allow for her to collect the packages? I spent a whole Saturday afternoon searching for the perfect PJs, and I finally found them at JC Penny, but they didn't have the short sleeved in my size in stock at the store so I had to order them. I want that task to be fully completed, meaning I want the PJs in my possession. The same goes for my undies. I searched and searched online for the least girlie women's underwear in my size, and when I finally found them they were temporarily out of stock, so they were back ordered. Supposedly they have shipped as well, and I want this task to be fully completed as well. It's just bugging me that they aren't already washed and dryed, folded nicely and put in a drawer with my new "belly buster" and the tank tops I bought for my post-op days in case it's really hot. One other thing that I've been wanting to buy is a lap table for when I'm in bed or on the couch so that I have something to put my laptop on in case I have an abdominal hysterectomy and it hurts to put it directly on me. The problem is I'm a bit on the wide side, so I don't know if commonly made ones will fit over me. I was going to order one from Amazon but decided thanks to my wife's advice that I should go to Bed, Bath and Beyond and try one on, so to speak, to make sure it fits over me properly. I hope to do that this week. BB&B is close to my home, and it would be one more thing I could check off of my to-do list.
And trying to figure out my hematology and lab work appointments is turning out to be a lot more complicated than it seems like it needs to be. My gynecologist's (Dr. Knox) office called today to discuss the deposit I am required to pay on the day of my pre-op appointment. They told me that my hematologist's (Dr. Terpenning) office called and said that they don't do pre-op bloodwork. The problem is that I need a medical clearance from Dr. Terpenning for surgery because I have some clotting factors that put me at a higher risk for blood clots, especially post-op. The clearance has to come within 90 days of surgery, and I saw her at the end of March which puts me within the 90 day mark. Dr. Terpenning gave me clearance at that appointment, but Dr. Knox may require blood work that was not done on that day. But Dr. Knox is out of the office until next Monday, so I have to try and wait patiently for this to be figured out. Something tells me I'm going to need to see the hematologist again, but the office won't let me make an appointment until the confusion is cleared up. I know *exactly* when I would want this appointment to be, yet I can't make the appointment for at least another week. Meanwhile, I called my chest surgeon's (Dr. Salomonson) office and requested that they mail me the lab slip for the pre-op blood work that she requires. I also asked them what lab they use in case I end up getting everything there and not at my hematologists office. All of my pre-op and post-op appointments are scheduled except for those relating to lab work, and it is annoying me that those cannot be scheduled. My first post-op chest surgery appointment has not been made, but I assume that they will schedule that at my pre-op and that it will be about one week post-op. I won't be doing anything but recovering, so I can go get my drains out and bandages off whenever the doctor wants me to do it.
Taking care of all of the details and logistics makes me feel a lot better, and so for just a few things to be incomplete is simply irritating. I don't know if it is a control thing or an anxiety thing or what. I think it's good to be on top of things, but if I'm too neurotic about it then it's not very good. And it wouldn't be good if I were totally lax and apathetic about everything, because everything does in fact have to get done at some point, so better now than later, right?! I just keep waiting for that point to come when everything that can be done is done and I can just relax and wait, enjoy each day and be thankful every night that I am one day closer to having my surgeries.
And trying to figure out my hematology and lab work appointments is turning out to be a lot more complicated than it seems like it needs to be. My gynecologist's (Dr. Knox) office called today to discuss the deposit I am required to pay on the day of my pre-op appointment. They told me that my hematologist's (Dr. Terpenning) office called and said that they don't do pre-op bloodwork. The problem is that I need a medical clearance from Dr. Terpenning for surgery because I have some clotting factors that put me at a higher risk for blood clots, especially post-op. The clearance has to come within 90 days of surgery, and I saw her at the end of March which puts me within the 90 day mark. Dr. Terpenning gave me clearance at that appointment, but Dr. Knox may require blood work that was not done on that day. But Dr. Knox is out of the office until next Monday, so I have to try and wait patiently for this to be figured out. Something tells me I'm going to need to see the hematologist again, but the office won't let me make an appointment until the confusion is cleared up. I know *exactly* when I would want this appointment to be, yet I can't make the appointment for at least another week. Meanwhile, I called my chest surgeon's (Dr. Salomonson) office and requested that they mail me the lab slip for the pre-op blood work that she requires. I also asked them what lab they use in case I end up getting everything there and not at my hematologists office. All of my pre-op and post-op appointments are scheduled except for those relating to lab work, and it is annoying me that those cannot be scheduled. My first post-op chest surgery appointment has not been made, but I assume that they will schedule that at my pre-op and that it will be about one week post-op. I won't be doing anything but recovering, so I can go get my drains out and bandages off whenever the doctor wants me to do it.
Taking care of all of the details and logistics makes me feel a lot better, and so for just a few things to be incomplete is simply irritating. I don't know if it is a control thing or an anxiety thing or what. I think it's good to be on top of things, but if I'm too neurotic about it then it's not very good. And it wouldn't be good if I were totally lax and apathetic about everything, because everything does in fact have to get done at some point, so better now than later, right?! I just keep waiting for that point to come when everything that can be done is done and I can just relax and wait, enjoy each day and be thankful every night that I am one day closer to having my surgeries.
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