Left Brain vs. Right Brain

Logical vs. random. Rational vs. intuitive. Analytical vs. holistic. Objective vs. subjective. Parts vs. wholes. I want the latter, please.

I've noticed lately that I have been operating under the auspices of my left brain far more than that of my right brain. As a person who is very emotional, sensitive and vulnerable by nature, living this way has been extremely difficult on me. I am so focused on details and logistics, and it is easier to deal with those things from the left brain. But I know that there are a lot of emotions I am not feeling right now. When I think and analyze as frequently as I have been, there is no time or room to feel emotion. Where did my emotion, sensitivity and vulnerability go? Pretty soon, I am going to run out of details and logistics. What then? Will I feel again? Will my creative spirit reemerge? Earlier I was rereading some of the posts I wrote on the blog I kept when living in Israel. While some were straightforward and detail oriented, most were creative and free spirited and charged with emotion and vulnerability. I want that back. I worry that I will stay left brained up to the time of surgery and then make a massive switch to my right brain post-op and be an emotional wreck. Not because I would regret having had the surgeries, but rather because I would no longer have something tangible and concrete on which to focus my thoughts and energy. I would be left to feel. I expressed this fear to my therapist today at the end of my session, and she responded by telling me that we are slowly, together, finding the vulnerability and that I will reunite with my emotion. I just hope it comes sooner rather than later. Living from my left brain feels so foreign to me; it is an uncomfortable way for me to interact with the world.

One thing that I think is going to help reunite me with my old self is this blog. The more I write, the more I see how truly left brained I am being, and the more it bothers me. By continually exposing myself -- my thoughts, feelings, and emotions -- I make myself more and more vulnerable, a familiar state of being. Maybe by blogging I can get all of the left brained stuff sorted out and down on paper and can then focus on the creative and emotional part of myself. Ultimately what I want to happen through this blog is for me -- Ami -- to be truly known. That is what I have been working so hard on of late. By writing and emailing and sharing my journey and private thoughts, I am making myself known -- the whole of me, the left brain and the right brain. I have a deep, innate need to be known right now. I suppose it is a reaction to keeping my true nature and self a secret for so many years, to both myself and to others. I found my voice and now I want to use it. I want to proudly and humbly tell people who I am so they can truly know me. To be truly known, and to still be truly loved, supported and held, is a beautiful thing, and it is an important process that I have been focusing on these past months by sending out letters and emails and by posting blogs. Hear me, know me, hold me and love me. That's all I ask and is all that I need.