Today is my birthday -- I'm 32 years old. I'm thrilled to be another year older, at least for now. I feel like life experience has aged me more than my actual age in years, so turning another year older brings a little more balance and equilibrium to my life. My age in years feels a little more in check with the age of my soul and spirit.
Not until a few people commented in their birthday wishes to me about the wonderful next year I am creating for myself did I think about my surgeries being a birthday present to myself. I have many new and exciting changes that have recently occurred and that are in the works. I came out to myself, came out to my wife, family and friends, created an online community for myself, worked hard in therapy and am happier than I've ever been because of these things. And I have made surgery possible for myself so that I can be even happier. Birthdays, or any annual milestone or holiday for that matter, are a chance to start over, to begin anew and to pledge to create for yourself a better life, a happier existence and a more meaningful journey. I am determined not to waste this chance at rebirth. There are so many wonderful things ahead of me, so many inspiring and happy moments awaiting me. I need to hold onto this energy and use it to live my life as fully and intentionally as possible. This journey is good and right, and I am honored and humbled to be living it.
On a few more practical notes, I have figured out all the financial details pertaining to insurance and out of pocket expenses, so that is a huge relief. I received a wonderful gift from my wife's grandmother yesterday -- a soft, zip up robe that I can wear post-op. It will definitely come in handy. And I have figured out the remaining logistical details regarding my hematological problems. I finally got a hold of someone from my hematologists office. They are working with their home care pharmacy to arrange my anti-coagulant injections. I will be sent the medication and syringes by an outside pharmacy. It is being arranged that a home health care aid will come to our home the day after surgery and teach my wife and mom to administer the injections. The doctor's office will know if I have to stay in the hospital, and if this is the case they will cancel the home aid and I will instead be shown how to do it while I'm in the hospital. I faxed them my new insurance information, so as far as I know, they are arranging all the details and I no longer have to worry about it. The financial details and the hematologist details are to my knowledge the last remaining details that needed attention. I'm sure something else will pop up in the next few weeks, but I'll be ready for it.
I have a really strong gut feeling that I am going to have an abdominal hysterectomy. I don't know why, and I really don't want it to be the case, but I'm afraid it will be. Maybe I am just preparing myself mentally for the worst case scenario. And maybe I will wake up from surgery with a pleasant surprise of having had laproscopic surgery. But I just have this feeling.... There's nothing I can do to influence it one way or the other, so I might as well be prepared for the worst.
I am 18 days away from surgery and counting. It's kind of cool that today is my birthday and I am 18 days away from surgery. Today is a day when I celebrate being given life and living the life I was given to the fullest. And today the number 18 is a relevant number in my life. In Judaism, the number 18 is equated to the concept of life. So on this day, my birthday, I am both celebrating the life I was blessed with while being 18 days from being reborn. What a wonderful position to be in! L'chaim -- to life!
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Just Enough Time
I have decided that what my therapist told me over a month ago is exactly right. If I had less time than I do before surgery, it wouldn't be enough time, and if I had more time, it would be too much time.
While it is definitely painful to be counting down day by day, it is also giving me the time I need to gain and keep a perspective on everything. I need time to process all of the details and to continue making plans. I decided last night the details of my chest surgery, but I need time to let it sink in and to make sure it sits right with me. While part of me feels like, okay, I know what I want, so let's do it, the other, and unfortunately less prominent, side of me says okay, I know what I want, now let's just sit with it for a while and see how it feels.
I don't think I will change my mind about my nipples. But it is still good to have time to think about it and make sure it is what I want. Should I change my mind, I have time for it and would even have time to sit with that for a little bit. But like I said, I know what I want and why I want it, so I will take these next 19 days and just make sure it feels good and right.
I still have to take care of some financial details, and I still need to get that darn prescription for the anti-coagulant, but everything else is taken care of. These next 19 days will be about my relationship, work, sleep, healing energy, joyous thoughts and not believing everything I think. Oh, and doing some major apartment cleaning in anticipation of the arrival of Mom :)
Each morning when I get dressed, I am thankful that I am that much closer to not having to put on my binder. Every night when I shower, I am thankful that I am that much closer to feeling more comfortable when I get out of the shower and see myself in the bathroom mirror. And each night that I lay down beside my wife to go to sleep, I count my blessings that I even have this opportunity. Not everyone is able, for a vast multitude of reasons, to be true to themselves and to follow their true journeys. I am one of the lucky ones, and I will never forget.
While it is definitely painful to be counting down day by day, it is also giving me the time I need to gain and keep a perspective on everything. I need time to process all of the details and to continue making plans. I decided last night the details of my chest surgery, but I need time to let it sink in and to make sure it sits right with me. While part of me feels like, okay, I know what I want, so let's do it, the other, and unfortunately less prominent, side of me says okay, I know what I want, now let's just sit with it for a while and see how it feels.
I don't think I will change my mind about my nipples. But it is still good to have time to think about it and make sure it is what I want. Should I change my mind, I have time for it and would even have time to sit with that for a little bit. But like I said, I know what I want and why I want it, so I will take these next 19 days and just make sure it feels good and right.
I still have to take care of some financial details, and I still need to get that darn prescription for the anti-coagulant, but everything else is taken care of. These next 19 days will be about my relationship, work, sleep, healing energy, joyous thoughts and not believing everything I think. Oh, and doing some major apartment cleaning in anticipation of the arrival of Mom :)
Each morning when I get dressed, I am thankful that I am that much closer to not having to put on my binder. Every night when I shower, I am thankful that I am that much closer to feeling more comfortable when I get out of the shower and see myself in the bathroom mirror. And each night that I lay down beside my wife to go to sleep, I count my blessings that I even have this opportunity. Not everyone is able, for a vast multitude of reasons, to be true to themselves and to follow their true journeys. I am one of the lucky ones, and I will never forget.
About Chest Surgery & My Surgery Plans
One of my readers asked in a comment about the difference between traditional Female to Male (FTM) top surgery and radical breast reduction, so I thought I would write an entry addressing this individual's questions. This is based on my experience with the trans community and in no way makes me an expert on the subject. I will write from my own experience.
There are a handful of surgeons in America who are well known for doing FTM top surgery. The main purpose of FTM top surgery is to construct a male appearing chest. Incisions are made under the pectoral muscles, parallel to the ribs. The nipples and areola are grafted into a new position and are resized to appear male. The chest overall is contoured to appear male.
Any qualified and experienced plastic surgeon can do a radical breast reduction. This is the procedure that I am having done. The main difference between radical breast reduction and FTM top surgery is that in radical breast reduction, the chest is not necessarily contoured to appear male. Incisions are also somewhat different. There is the same incision under the pectoral muscles like in FTM top surgery, but there is an incision that runs perpendicular as well. This type of incision is called an inverted T or an anchor incision. The nipple and areola can be left in tact or it can be grafted and resized. There is typically not as much breast tissue removed in a radical breast reduction as there is in FTM top surgery. The amount of breast tissue removed as well as the grafting and resizing of the nipple and areola depends on the individual's wishes.
I was initially going to go to a well known FTM top surgeon in San Francisco. I decided against this for various reasons. I live in LA, not a small town, so I thought it was ridiculous to go to San Francisco for surgery. Surely someone in LA is qualified to give me the flat chest that I desire. It was also very important for me to be able to recover in my own home and not in a hotel room. I explained to my trans friendly gynecologist what I wanted out of chest surgery and she gave me the name of a plastic surgeon. I went in for a consultation and the rest is (almost) history. I also realized that it is not important to me to have a male appearing chest since I do not identify as male. This sealed the deal that I would do surgery in LA with Dr. Salomonson.
I decided last night as I laid in bed wide awake the specifics that I desire from my chest surgery. In order to keep my nipples and areola I would have to keep some breast tissue so that the blood supply is sustained and the nipples and areola do not die. In the photos I posted in yesterday's blog, there is a rounding, or a bump, in the chest of this man. That rounding, that bump, is not flat enough for me. As I laid awake last night I feared that by doing this I would sacrifice the absolute flatness that I want more than anything. I only have one chance to do this right. I will likely never have the money to have a revision done on my chest. I need to feel confident going into surgery that I will wake up with no regrets, that I will wake up happy.
I have thus decided not to keep my nipples and areola. I will have as much breast tissue and skin removed as possible, leaving my chest tight and flat. By not keeping them I can get rid of the extra breast tissue that I would have to keep to sustain the life in my nipples and areola, and the chances of being flat to my satisfaction are great. I feel good about this decision. Like a friend of mine said, nipples are overrated! I plan on eventually covering my chest with a tattoo, so it makes no difference to me whether or not I have nipples. I know that this is the right decision. I do not want to come out of surgery with small breasts or with even a bump, and this is the way to ensure that that happens. I just want to be flat and aesthetically pleasing to my eyes and to my wife.
If any of my readers have questions about surgery, gender identity, etc. that they would like answered, please post a comment and I will be happy to write about them from my own experience in a future blog.
19 days from this moment, I will be in the recovery room, officially post-op. I am so excited! I am more than ready to exist in the body that my mind visualizes. I am more than ready to come home to myself. And I am more than ready to stop wearing this hot, tight, itchy binder!!! It will feel so good to be able to just throw on a shirt and be on my merry way. Thank you, whoever you are who are reading this, for supporting me as I walk the path to finding myself and being true to myself.
There are a handful of surgeons in America who are well known for doing FTM top surgery. The main purpose of FTM top surgery is to construct a male appearing chest. Incisions are made under the pectoral muscles, parallel to the ribs. The nipples and areola are grafted into a new position and are resized to appear male. The chest overall is contoured to appear male.
Any qualified and experienced plastic surgeon can do a radical breast reduction. This is the procedure that I am having done. The main difference between radical breast reduction and FTM top surgery is that in radical breast reduction, the chest is not necessarily contoured to appear male. Incisions are also somewhat different. There is the same incision under the pectoral muscles like in FTM top surgery, but there is an incision that runs perpendicular as well. This type of incision is called an inverted T or an anchor incision. The nipple and areola can be left in tact or it can be grafted and resized. There is typically not as much breast tissue removed in a radical breast reduction as there is in FTM top surgery. The amount of breast tissue removed as well as the grafting and resizing of the nipple and areola depends on the individual's wishes.
I was initially going to go to a well known FTM top surgeon in San Francisco. I decided against this for various reasons. I live in LA, not a small town, so I thought it was ridiculous to go to San Francisco for surgery. Surely someone in LA is qualified to give me the flat chest that I desire. It was also very important for me to be able to recover in my own home and not in a hotel room. I explained to my trans friendly gynecologist what I wanted out of chest surgery and she gave me the name of a plastic surgeon. I went in for a consultation and the rest is (almost) history. I also realized that it is not important to me to have a male appearing chest since I do not identify as male. This sealed the deal that I would do surgery in LA with Dr. Salomonson.
I decided last night as I laid in bed wide awake the specifics that I desire from my chest surgery. In order to keep my nipples and areola I would have to keep some breast tissue so that the blood supply is sustained and the nipples and areola do not die. In the photos I posted in yesterday's blog, there is a rounding, or a bump, in the chest of this man. That rounding, that bump, is not flat enough for me. As I laid awake last night I feared that by doing this I would sacrifice the absolute flatness that I want more than anything. I only have one chance to do this right. I will likely never have the money to have a revision done on my chest. I need to feel confident going into surgery that I will wake up with no regrets, that I will wake up happy.
I have thus decided not to keep my nipples and areola. I will have as much breast tissue and skin removed as possible, leaving my chest tight and flat. By not keeping them I can get rid of the extra breast tissue that I would have to keep to sustain the life in my nipples and areola, and the chances of being flat to my satisfaction are great. I feel good about this decision. Like a friend of mine said, nipples are overrated! I plan on eventually covering my chest with a tattoo, so it makes no difference to me whether or not I have nipples. I know that this is the right decision. I do not want to come out of surgery with small breasts or with even a bump, and this is the way to ensure that that happens. I just want to be flat and aesthetically pleasing to my eyes and to my wife.
If any of my readers have questions about surgery, gender identity, etc. that they would like answered, please post a comment and I will be happy to write about them from my own experience in a future blog.
19 days from this moment, I will be in the recovery room, officially post-op. I am so excited! I am more than ready to exist in the body that my mind visualizes. I am more than ready to come home to myself. And I am more than ready to stop wearing this hot, tight, itchy binder!!! It will feel so good to be able to just throw on a shirt and be on my merry way. Thank you, whoever you are who are reading this, for supporting me as I walk the path to finding myself and being true to myself.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Standing Under A Joy Tree
My friend, chiropractor and spiritual healer instructed me to visualize and experience as much joy and balance as possible these next few weeks and to not believe everything that I think. These are things worthy of my time and effort. I will try my hardest to exist under a canopy of joy and only let in positive, healing energy. I have been spending way too much time in my head these past few months, obsessed with all of the details, worry and anxiety about surgery. Not believing everything I think -- being conscious and aware of my thoughts -- will help me experience the joy of it all.
I am choosing to believe that non-western interventions will help me as well. I started taking echinacea and goldenseal to give my immune system a boost so that I don't get sick right before surgery. And today I went to the Santa Monica Homeopathic Pharmacy and purchased Arnica Multiplex and Pain and Inflammation Multiplex. The Arnica Multiplex promotes healing and will be started 3 days pre-op. The Pain and Inflammtion Multiplex will be started post-op and is meant to decrease pain, swelling and bruising. I think that homeopathy is half about believing that it will work, so I am choosing to believe that these two multiplexes will help make for a smoother and less painful recovery. In this case, I guess I should believe what I think and let the negative thoughts go. Easier said than done, but it's sure worth trying.
I am choosing to believe that non-western interventions will help me as well. I started taking echinacea and goldenseal to give my immune system a boost so that I don't get sick right before surgery. And today I went to the Santa Monica Homeopathic Pharmacy and purchased Arnica Multiplex and Pain and Inflammation Multiplex. The Arnica Multiplex promotes healing and will be started 3 days pre-op. The Pain and Inflammtion Multiplex will be started post-op and is meant to decrease pain, swelling and bruising. I think that homeopathy is half about believing that it will work, so I am choosing to believe that these two multiplexes will help make for a smoother and less painful recovery. In this case, I guess I should believe what I think and let the negative thoughts go. Easier said than done, but it's sure worth trying.
My Future Chest
The photos above were taken of a female to male transgender person who had a radical breast reduction. This is the procedure I will be having. My surgeon, after viewing the photos, told me that these photos are realistic expectations to have. If this is what I look like post-op I will be one truly happy camper! I am so excited just thinking about it. 20 days and counting!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Ups And Downs
Today has been a truly weird day. It started off on a good note. I mailed my two Title Nine sports bras that I don't wear anymore to an internet friend in Indiana. He is trans and cannot bind comfortably enough. These sports bras are hardcore to say the least, and they should help him with binding. They won't flatten him out like a binder does but they sure do smash the things down! And I already found a new home for my two binders -- a trans guy in North Carolina will be the new owner. They are pretty expensive, and not everyone can afford them despite their need to bind, so I am happy to be able to recycle. Because of superstition I will wait until after I have had my surgery to send the binders away. I was going to mail them the day before and just go braless one last time, but I am afraid that if I mail them before surgery something will happen at the last minute and the surgery will be postponed and I'll be without a binder. Silly, I know, but just in case, I'm going with it.
Soon after I got to work the Proposition 8 ruling was released. By a 6-1 vote the California Supreme Court ruled to uphold the discriminatory and bigoted proposition. It saddens me while also frustrating and inspiring me. It is sad that discrimination against one particular group of people has been written into the constitution, and it is sad that same sex marriages will not be allowed in California. I find it infuriating and intolerable that my wife and I and 18,000 other same sex couples have now been granted special rights. We are allowed to stay married but our LGBTQ friends cannot marry. This makes no sense. I have been married since our 2005 religious ceremony. Our civil wedding was just icing on the cake. I will not celebrate my civil marriage until all Americans are able to celebrate a marriage if that is what they desire. Some have said that allowing the 18,000 same sex couples to stay married is a stepping stone, a forward movement in our fight for fairness and equality. Well, I'm tired of people having to stoop over and be a back on which others stand to try and get ahead. I have a bad back as a matter of fact. I'd much prefer we all be allowed to stand tall and proud and be treated as equals, with dignity and respect. The same sex marriage fight in California will go back to the ballots, and hopefully we will get it right this next time.
I'm not sure if the supreme court ruling has had anything to do with my overall crummy day. Today has been a true struggle for me. I feel fat, bloated, poorly dressed, sweaty, pissy, underutilized, unappreciated, ignored and unhappy. I have no self esteem or self confidence today for some reason. It's just one of those really bad days that you can't wait to be over so you can do it better the next day. I'm having a great deal of body dysphoria which may be a big part of it. Even though I am binding today, I feel so aware of my breasts, and I feel like they are huge, even though they are bound. I'm not feeling too sorry for myself in regards to the dysphoria, because I know how fortunate I am to be having surgery in less than 3 weeks to make the correction. But it is still pretty miserable to be in this body today.
I am ecstatic that I have had my period for the very last time. This last one could have been worse. I was pretty sick the first two days, but then it ended really quickly. Goodbye and good riddance is all I have to say! I will be hard pressed to look back on ever having had my period. Forward and onward!
My gynecologist's office called me earlier. All of the pre-authorization has gone through for my hysterectomy, so that is exciting. And my hematologist was able to speak with Dr. Knox, so medical clearance has been given for me to have surgery. I still need to get the prescription for the anti-coagulant, but other than dealing with money, that is the last detail left. I purchased a bed lap table over the weekend which is to my knowledge the last thing I have been wanting that I still needed to purchase. I'm pretty sure my doctor will give me a chest binder to wear at the hospital, and depending on if I have an abdominal hysterectomy or not, I may have to get an abdominal binder, but I assume that would be given to me at the hospital as well. Things have definitely fallen into place, and I am finding that I can breathe a little easier as each day passes.
A little bit ago I filled out an Advance Health Care Directive. That was a slightly weird experience, but it wasn't too bad. I probably should have had one already, so it's good to have a reason to have one in place. I am an organ/tissue donor for any and all purposes, and I do not want my life to be prolonged if there is no chance of recovery. I feel good about both of those things. A person's organs and tissue can go to tens of people which is just amazing to think about. And I would hate to be responsible for the continued draining of the American health care system! My wife and I talked a little bit about my wishes, and we will talk more about it these next weeks. My parents are secondary decision makers. Not that anyone is going to have to make any decisions because I will come through surgery just fine!
The excitement is definitely building up. Surgery is less than 3 weeks away. My first pre-op appointment is 2 weeks from Friday. That will feel like the true kick off of everything. After that is my last day of work, the arrival of my mom, LA Pride, my other pre-op appointment and finally surgery day itself. Yup -- I'm so excited. There are many genderqueer and transgender people who want to have chest surgery, and I count my blessings that I have the opportunity to have this surgery. I knew I wanted it, and I went after it, and in a few short weeks my body will be mine again. I hope time continues to go by quickly and that I continue to seek out joy during this life changing time. This journey is good and true, and I'm grateful for the ride.
Soon after I got to work the Proposition 8 ruling was released. By a 6-1 vote the California Supreme Court ruled to uphold the discriminatory and bigoted proposition. It saddens me while also frustrating and inspiring me. It is sad that discrimination against one particular group of people has been written into the constitution, and it is sad that same sex marriages will not be allowed in California. I find it infuriating and intolerable that my wife and I and 18,000 other same sex couples have now been granted special rights. We are allowed to stay married but our LGBTQ friends cannot marry. This makes no sense. I have been married since our 2005 religious ceremony. Our civil wedding was just icing on the cake. I will not celebrate my civil marriage until all Americans are able to celebrate a marriage if that is what they desire. Some have said that allowing the 18,000 same sex couples to stay married is a stepping stone, a forward movement in our fight for fairness and equality. Well, I'm tired of people having to stoop over and be a back on which others stand to try and get ahead. I have a bad back as a matter of fact. I'd much prefer we all be allowed to stand tall and proud and be treated as equals, with dignity and respect. The same sex marriage fight in California will go back to the ballots, and hopefully we will get it right this next time.
I'm not sure if the supreme court ruling has had anything to do with my overall crummy day. Today has been a true struggle for me. I feel fat, bloated, poorly dressed, sweaty, pissy, underutilized, unappreciated, ignored and unhappy. I have no self esteem or self confidence today for some reason. It's just one of those really bad days that you can't wait to be over so you can do it better the next day. I'm having a great deal of body dysphoria which may be a big part of it. Even though I am binding today, I feel so aware of my breasts, and I feel like they are huge, even though they are bound. I'm not feeling too sorry for myself in regards to the dysphoria, because I know how fortunate I am to be having surgery in less than 3 weeks to make the correction. But it is still pretty miserable to be in this body today.
I am ecstatic that I have had my period for the very last time. This last one could have been worse. I was pretty sick the first two days, but then it ended really quickly. Goodbye and good riddance is all I have to say! I will be hard pressed to look back on ever having had my period. Forward and onward!
My gynecologist's office called me earlier. All of the pre-authorization has gone through for my hysterectomy, so that is exciting. And my hematologist was able to speak with Dr. Knox, so medical clearance has been given for me to have surgery. I still need to get the prescription for the anti-coagulant, but other than dealing with money, that is the last detail left. I purchased a bed lap table over the weekend which is to my knowledge the last thing I have been wanting that I still needed to purchase. I'm pretty sure my doctor will give me a chest binder to wear at the hospital, and depending on if I have an abdominal hysterectomy or not, I may have to get an abdominal binder, but I assume that would be given to me at the hospital as well. Things have definitely fallen into place, and I am finding that I can breathe a little easier as each day passes.
A little bit ago I filled out an Advance Health Care Directive. That was a slightly weird experience, but it wasn't too bad. I probably should have had one already, so it's good to have a reason to have one in place. I am an organ/tissue donor for any and all purposes, and I do not want my life to be prolonged if there is no chance of recovery. I feel good about both of those things. A person's organs and tissue can go to tens of people which is just amazing to think about. And I would hate to be responsible for the continued draining of the American health care system! My wife and I talked a little bit about my wishes, and we will talk more about it these next weeks. My parents are secondary decision makers. Not that anyone is going to have to make any decisions because I will come through surgery just fine!
The excitement is definitely building up. Surgery is less than 3 weeks away. My first pre-op appointment is 2 weeks from Friday. That will feel like the true kick off of everything. After that is my last day of work, the arrival of my mom, LA Pride, my other pre-op appointment and finally surgery day itself. Yup -- I'm so excited. There are many genderqueer and transgender people who want to have chest surgery, and I count my blessings that I have the opportunity to have this surgery. I knew I wanted it, and I went after it, and in a few short weeks my body will be mine again. I hope time continues to go by quickly and that I continue to seek out joy during this life changing time. This journey is good and true, and I'm grateful for the ride.
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