Ups And Downs

Today has been a truly weird day. It started off on a good note. I mailed my two Title Nine sports bras that I don't wear anymore to an internet friend in Indiana. He is trans and cannot bind comfortably enough. These sports bras are hardcore to say the least, and they should help him with binding. They won't flatten him out like a binder does but they sure do smash the things down! And I already found a new home for my two binders -- a trans guy in North Carolina will be the new owner. They are pretty expensive, and not everyone can afford them despite their need to bind, so I am happy to be able to recycle. Because of superstition I will wait until after I have had my surgery to send the binders away. I was going to mail them the day before and just go braless one last time, but I am afraid that if I mail them before surgery something will happen at the last minute and the surgery will be postponed and I'll be without a binder. Silly, I know, but just in case, I'm going with it.

Soon after I got to work the Proposition 8 ruling was released. By a 6-1 vote the California Supreme Court ruled to uphold the discriminatory and bigoted proposition. It saddens me while also frustrating and inspiring me. It is sad that discrimination against one particular group of people has been written into the constitution, and it is sad that same sex marriages will not be allowed in California. I find it infuriating and intolerable that my wife and I and 18,000 other same sex couples have now been granted special rights. We are allowed to stay married but our LGBTQ friends cannot marry. This makes no sense. I have been married since our 2005 religious ceremony. Our civil wedding was just icing on the cake. I will not celebrate my civil marriage until all Americans are able to celebrate a marriage if that is what they desire. Some have said that allowing the 18,000 same sex couples to stay married is a stepping stone, a forward movement in our fight for fairness and equality. Well, I'm tired of people having to stoop over and be a back on which others stand to try and get ahead. I have a bad back as a matter of fact. I'd much prefer we all be allowed to stand tall and proud and be treated as equals, with dignity and respect. The same sex marriage fight in California will go back to the ballots, and hopefully we will get it right this next time.

I'm not sure if the supreme court ruling has had anything to do with my overall crummy day. Today has been a true struggle for me. I feel fat, bloated, poorly dressed, sweaty, pissy, underutilized, unappreciated, ignored and unhappy. I have no self esteem or self confidence today for some reason. It's just one of those really bad days that you can't wait to be over so you can do it better the next day. I'm having a great deal of body dysphoria which may be a big part of it. Even though I am binding today, I feel so aware of my breasts, and I feel like they are huge, even though they are bound. I'm not feeling too sorry for myself in regards to the dysphoria, because I know how fortunate I am to be having surgery in less than 3 weeks to make the correction. But it is still pretty miserable to be in this body today.

I am ecstatic that I have had my period for the very last time. This last one could have been worse. I was pretty sick the first two days, but then it ended really quickly. Goodbye and good riddance is all I have to say! I will be hard pressed to look back on ever having had my period. Forward and onward!

My gynecologist's office called me earlier. All of the pre-authorization has gone through for my hysterectomy, so that is exciting. And my hematologist was able to speak with Dr. Knox, so medical clearance has been given for me to have surgery. I still need to get the prescription for the anti-coagulant, but other than dealing with money, that is the last detail left. I purchased a bed lap table over the weekend which is to my knowledge the last thing I have been wanting that I still needed to purchase. I'm pretty sure my doctor will give me a chest binder to wear at the hospital, and depending on if I have an abdominal hysterectomy or not, I may have to get an abdominal binder, but I assume that would be given to me at the hospital as well. Things have definitely fallen into place, and I am finding that I can breathe a little easier as each day passes.

A little bit ago I filled out an Advance Health Care Directive. That was a slightly weird experience, but it wasn't too bad. I probably should have had one already, so it's good to have a reason to have one in place. I am an organ/tissue donor for any and all purposes, and I do not want my life to be prolonged if there is no chance of recovery. I feel good about both of those things. A person's organs and tissue can go to tens of people which is just amazing to think about. And I would hate to be responsible for the continued draining of the American health care system! My wife and I talked a little bit about my wishes, and we will talk more about it these next weeks. My parents are secondary decision makers. Not that anyone is going to have to make any decisions because I will come through surgery just fine!

The excitement is definitely building up. Surgery is less than 3 weeks away. My first pre-op appointment is 2 weeks from Friday. That will feel like the true kick off of everything. After that is my last day of work, the arrival of my mom, LA Pride, my other pre-op appointment and finally surgery day itself. Yup -- I'm so excited. There are many genderqueer and transgender people who want to have chest surgery, and I count my blessings that I have the opportunity to have this surgery. I knew I wanted it, and I went after it, and in a few short weeks my body will be mine again. I hope time continues to go by quickly and that I continue to seek out joy during this life changing time. This journey is good and true, and I'm grateful for the ride.