My Last Mammogram Ever

There's nothing quite like having your breasts smooshed, smashed and pressed onto a plate of glass to make you super aware of them. I had a pre-op mammogram this morning. I have had one once before, and they are definitely not pleasant. They are nothing but awkward, uncomfortable and painful experiences.

To be perfectly honest, seeing my breasts pressed between two plates of glass kind of grossed me out. Looking at myself naked in the mirror is bad enough, but seeing my breast sprawled out in all its glory was sort of grotesque. I went into the appointment with an open mind and came out with my tail between my legs, eager to call my wife for some comfort. These two tumor like growths on my chest were flaunted at me this morning. "Look at what nature gave you that wasn't meant for you," the digital machine seemed to say mockingly. It was harsh.

I told my wife last night that I wasn't going to wear my binder to the appointment which was first thing this morning. She assumed it was because I would be showering and getting dressed just to drive somewhere and get undressed again. But it was mostly for different reasons. I felt self conscious going to a women's health center to get a mammogram of the breasts I've resented having since puberty. I felt like if I was going to get a mammogram I should walk into the office showing some signs of having breasts, so I just wore my sports bra without my binder.

It felt weird to be out and about without my binder on. I don't wear it to look male -- I wear it to look like myself. And I didn't feel like myself without it on -- I wasn't comfortable without it. Once the mammogram was over, I hurriedly went into the changing room and fought the fight to get myself into my binder. I put my shirt on over it, looked in the mirror, and smiled. I liked what I saw and I liked how I felt. I grabbed my bag and walked out into the lobby, thrilled that I would never again have to have a mammogram because it will soon be physically impossible to perform one on my soon to be flat chest. I'm sure the results will be normal and I will be one step closer to surgery day. Onward.