12 Days, 15 Hours and 35 Minutes Until Surgery

I'm not usually the type to count hours, but I was curious. At least I didn't count seconds!

I continue to calm down which is a good thing. With the help of an increase in one of my medications, I was able to sleep last night but unfortunately I had a bit of a medication hangover this morning and felt groggy for half of the day. That's just something I will have to put up with for the next 13 nights, because getting sleep feels far more important to me than most things at this point. If I'm not well rested I won't be in optimal shape going into surgery, and I want to go in under the best conditions and circumstances.

This morning my chest surgeon's secretary called me to schedule what she called a pre pre-op appointment for a week from tomorrow. I have been emailing my surgeon quite a bit with questions and different options, and she decided that she should see me before my official pre-op. I feel really good about this and am thrilled that she thinks we need to have a face to face conversation. That says to me that she understands how important all of this is and wants us to together make the best decisions. We will thoroughly discuss nipples or no nipples and all things related, and the good thing is that after making a decision I will still have 3 days to sit with it. If I need to change my mind before my pre-op I will have the time. I think, though, that I am still leaning towards no nipples, but I will be open to what she has to say next week and weigh the options carefully. I would like my decision next week to be final so I can enjoy LA Pride weekend and not be worrying about the details. I will still see my surgeon the day before surgery so she can mark up my chest with marker and go over last minute details.

It's hard to believe that I only have 7 days of work left until I go on leave. There's a lot to be done in those 7 days, so I know they will fly by. I complain a lot that the older I get, the quicker time seems to pass. I regularly long for the days of childhood when days lasted forever and it felt like I would never turn another year older. Now a day passes effortlessly and my next birthday comes sooner than it seems it should. A big part of me hates that I am so eager for time to pass by. I am trying to be productive and live life fully during this time, but sometimes it feels like I'm trying to make time go by faster just so I can reach the big day sooner. I have been pretty all consumed by surgery and the details and logistics of it, and I know I have neglected other responsibilities.

I can't help but think to myself that I have been wasting this time, but I know deep down inside that this is not true. I have learned and grown A LOT these past few months, and as painful as it has been at times to wait, it has been the exact amount of time that I've needed to learn and grow. All I can do after surgery is get on with my life and live life to the fullest. I will be a new person, and I have high expectations for myself. High but not unreasonable, and there is a big difference. Something has to eventually push me into action and pull me away from my dreams and fantasies, and maybe this will be it. I hope for the best, and I wait patiently.

22 minutes have passed, so I'm that much closer. Hmm...not very patient of me, but I'll keep trying.