Totally Neurotic

So just to lay it out there from the start, you're about to read about nipples -- specifically, my nipples and what to do with them.

I wrote last week that I am not going to keep my nipples because of the fear that it would mean keeping more breast tissue than I am comfortable with and because it would compromise my desire for a flat chest. I felt pretty okay with that decision. I emailed Dr. Salomonson and told her the decision I had reached and how I had reached it. Last night I lay in bed -- this seems to be becoming a dangerous past time -- totally questioning this decision.

I heard back from Dr. Salomonson via email a little bit ago. Her response made me even more unsure of my decision not to keep my nipples. Her response read: "I support your decision, but really think we have nothing to lose by attempting to save your nipples. This has worked in patients having complete mastectomies for cancer so I will not compromise your goals by preserving too much tissue since I know what your priorities are. If the nipples do not survive, the tissue becomes a scab and gradually flakes off."

This was a very straightforward response. She apparently understands and will honor my desire for a completely flat chest. This means a lot to me. She believes that by keeping the nipple I can still have the flat chest that I desire. I know that mastectomy patients lose pretty much every bit of tissue, so I know that equates to flat in my case, which is good. My sister told me that she heard that is the new wave with breast cancer patients. I will say, though, that the idea of the nipple tissue becoming a scab and gradually flaking off is not exactly desirable. That is the part that scares me the most. It's like I need to know ahead of time if my nipples are going to survive or not, because if they're not I'd rather just lose them in surgery.

One of the things I was doubting last night was how secure I feel in not having nipples and looking "normal." Some people would say that I won't look normal post-op because I will be a female bodied person with no breasts. I of course think that I will look more normal than I've ever looked, scars and all. I just don't know how important keeping my nipples is to me, and I have no idea how to decide!

I am mind fucking this to death, and this is not something I want to do. I feel like I am 2 weeks away from surgery, I need to just go ahead and decide and live with it. But I wrote last week that I know I have time to decide and change my mind and still have the time to sit with a new decision, and it appears that this is what is happening. One of my online trans friends told me "I love it how transpeople are totally changing/redesigning how we see bodies. Surgery is a really personal thing -- you should definitely push for the results that you want" when I shared with him my initial thoughts about not keeping my nipples.

I see my body flat chested, but do I see it with or without nipples? My body is my temple, but what do I really want my temple to look like? Do I want a flat chest with nipples and no tattoos, do I want a flat chest with no nipples and tattoos or do I want a flat chest with nipples and tattoos? Why is this such a difficult decision? I happen to love tattoos and want more, so the thought of tattooing my chest is quite exciting. I promised my wife that I would not get any more tattoos that are visible to others, so that means getting tattoos on my back and chest. But it's not about the tattoos.

My chiropractor/spiritual healer tells me not to believe everything that I think. My question is how do I know what to believe and how do I know what not to believe? My ability to not be in touch with my gut feeling and second guessing everything I do makes it really difficult to decide what is worth believing and doing something about and what I need to just ignore. I know I shouldn't believe everything I think, but I also know I have to believe some things. What will help me decide?

I'm not looking at the past for guidance. The past is what I want to move away from. I'm supposed to stay present and grounded in today, but when I have to make a decision that affects the future, how do you do that? Will the answer just come to me? Maybe. And I really believe that meditation can work in that way. But I have to be able to quiet my mind long enough to hear my inner feelings and intuition, and this is what I'm having problems with the most. I have a job that allows me to think a lot, which is a problem. My excitement about surgery has been keeping me awake at night and waking me up early in the morning. Great -- more time to think! Just what I don't need! I have no other details to focus on. My nipples are it. Everything has been checked off of a carefully constructed list. I want to be able to check this one off of my master list, but this one is proving to not be so easy.

Do I want to preserve my nipples and have a "normal" looking chest? Do I care about having a "normal" looking chest? Do I care if my nipples become a scab and flake off?

I want to believe that any answer to any of these questions would be the right one. That I will be happy with or without nipples, that I won't be grossed out if my nipples scab up and flake off. And I think I am right about that. I'm quite a resilient person, ,and I can pretty much handle anything that comes my way. I am not afraid of surgery or of recovery. On the contrary I am ready to take it head on. But I guess I am afraid of making a decision, even though I think I can handle any consequence of that decision. I want nothing more than to go into surgery knowing exactly what is going to happen. But I know that this isn't possible. I have no idea at this point what kind of hysterectomy I am going to have, and I may not know until I wake up. This bothers me a great deal. I want to be able to make a decision for the sake of making a decision so that I can stop thinking about it. I want to know the fate of my nipples for each option, tell the doctor how I want her to proceed and to stop thinking about it.

What I need to do is fly to Tibet, hang out with the monks in a monastery in the wilderness and have someone teach me once and for all how to quiet my mind long enough to hear my inner voice speak. Even though I know I can handle anything, I dread making the "wrong" decision now. If I decide to keep my nipples and they end up dying, I will deal with it. But how do I decide whether or not to keep my nipples.

I'm pretty sure I'm back where I started. Coming full circle is good about some things, but not about making a decision. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get centered and grounded and hear and trust my intuition, please leave a comment or send me an email. I need all the help I can get right now.

To nipple or not to nipple. That is the question.