I haven't felt like blogging until today. I've been so focused on recovery that I haven't had the energy to write down what I've been going through since surgery.
Surgery was successful. The hysterectomy was performed first. The endometriosis was pretty bad in my uterus, cervix and on my pelvic wall. My uterus and most of my cervix were removed; my ovaries were in good health so I was able to keep both of them. The surgery was done laproscopically which has been a godsend as I can't imagine what recovery would be like if I had to deal with a large abdominal incision.
Chest surgery was also very successful. My surgeon was able to remove all of the breast tissue and perform what appears to be successful nipple grafts. She is an excellent surgeon and a wonderful person, and I feel very lucky to have had her as my surgeon. Everything -- incisions, grafts, stitches, etc. -- are very neat and symmetrical, and I am thrilled with the results of my chest surgery. All that remains is some body fat in the chest and armpit area, which sadly is consistent and proportional to the rest of my body, so my chest looks natural for my body type. My doctor says that with weight loss these areas will shrink and that the skin should retract as well, so I will not be left with "man boobs."
I have been to see my chest surgeon 3 times already, and I go again tomorrow, but then I won't have to see her for a week. The drains were removed this past Monday. It was extremely painful for about 10-15 seconds, but the pain subsided quickly once each drain was removed. The gauze strips have all been removed as have the antibiotic material covering my nipples. Yesterday my doctor removed the few external stitches that had been put in place. I still have to put an antibiotic gauze and tape over my nipples as they continue to heal. Yesterday my doctor told me that the circulation is returning to my nipples and that all signs show that they will survive, so that is exciting.
My chest is still pretty gnarly looking. It is very red, and there are still some places where there is some drainage/leakage from incisions. My nipples are downright gross, but that will begin to change soon enough. I have to wear a compression vest for a few more weeks to give my tissue and the little bruising and swelling that I have added support. I feel very vulnerable without it on at this point so I am not too upset that I have to wear it. Pain and discomfort in my chest has increased this past week. My doctor says it is because the nerve endings are starting to wake up. It is enough to keep me from moving too much and from using my arms too much.
I stayed in the hospital for one night. Despite being given anti-nausea medication with the anesthesia, I awoke from surgery extremely nauseous and in a considerable amount of pain. I just wasn't up to going home. I woke up easily out of anesthesia. I was still in the OR when I heard my name being called. I heard my chest surgeon's voice and breathed a quick sigh of relief, knowing that the chest surgery had happened. My next words were "I don't feel good" and they began administering nausea and pain medications in the recovery area. Because anti-inflammatory medications interfere with the healing of my chest, I cannot take them and thus am not receiving optimal pain management which is quite unfortunate. I was taken to a private room on the oncology ward at around 6pm and was able to see my mom and my wife soon after. They got me up for the first time at around 8:30pm, and that was quite the ordeal as I was in a lot of pain. I slept on and off throughout the night and had some really great conversations with my nurses at one point. They were all terrific! In the morning they got me up to walk around the unit several times. Both of my doctors stopped by to see me and fill out discharge paperwork, and I believe I was home by noon.
I probably felt my best that first day post-op. I was on so many pain meds I don't think I really knew the world I was in. The next few days were very challenging as I experienced a great deal of pain from the hysterectomy, particularly from the largest of the 3 incisions and the corresponding internal area. For the first week I had very little pain or discomfort in my chest, maybe because the pain in my pelvis was so extreme and maybe because of all of the vicodin, or maybe both. My first time out of the house was the Friday after surgery when I went to St. Johns to see my chest surgeon. The car ride was terrible as was getting in and out of the car and walking in general. I didn't go anywhere over the weekend and left again on Monday to get my drains removed.
I think these past few days I have done too much. Just because the pain is decreasing and I am feeling less fatigued does not mean I should overdo it. Tuesday I had an appointment with my therapist, and then Mom and I went to the pharmacy, to the grocery store, to the Culver City farmer's market and to a cafe to pick up dinner. It was too much and I was exhausted on Wednesday. Thursday I had an appointment with my chest surgeon, and Mom and I went to Target afterwards. I thought to myself, "How hard can it be to walk through Target?" We sat on the 10 for a good 30 minutes in traffic which was very uncomfortable for me, as riding in the car is proving to be no good for my pain. And then being in Target on those hard concrete floors just got the best of me. I started experiencing a lot of pain and was having difficulty walking. I spent all evening Thursday in considerable pain and discomfort. At 4am I called my therapist to cancel my appointment for today, Friday, so that I could sleep in and continue to recover from over exerting myself. I have been doing all of this over exertion while going off of vicodin. So now I am laying low and am back on the vicodin.
Tomorrow I see my chest surgeon in the morning and then if I am up to it Mom and I and maybe my wife will go to eat lunch at a cafe and visit a baby store down the street to shop for my soon to be born niece or nephew. We will have to play it by ear and see how I am feeling after my appointment. My dad lectured me last night about over doing it, and I know that he is right, so I have to listen to my body and act accordingly.
My wife and my mom have been totally amazing in supporting me through recovery. Because my wife is working so much this summer, it was crucial that my mom come out to help me post-op. It has been a godsend. She is on top of my meds, she wakes me up during the night to get out of bed and walk around so my back doesn't get too tight, she takes me on walks, she helps me bathe and shower, she cooks for me and does the laundry and dishes, she helps me in the bathroom since I am so limited in mobility. Most of all, she loves me unconditionally and supports my decision to have these surgeries and is going out of her way to help me recover from them. We have had many honest conversations since she arrived in LA last Saturday, and I feel closer to her than I have in a really long time. I feel like she knows me and gets me, and the fact that she loves me even more because of it means the world to me. I hate that my dad has not been able to participate in this bonding and understanding, but I know my mom will convey to him much of what she and I have shared together.
On Tuesday when we were driving to my therapy appointment, my mom said out of the blue that I seem so happy and that I seem like myself again. I couldn't agree more, and I don't ever want to go back to the dark and unhappy times. I am known now, and it is so freeing. My body is something I have come home to, and I feel comfortable in it once again. It is a truly grand feeling.
I have spent a lot of time in front of the mirror, naked and vulnerable but loving what I am seeing. When I shower and take off my compression vest, I study my new chest carefully in the mirror. I turn to the side, turn back to the front, and repeat. It looks so incredibly natural to me; it looks like how I was supposed to have looked all these years that I had breasts. It is my chest, and it is me. Despite the fat and the rolls, I love my body now. My mind and my body are finally aligned. If you ever come across me, for now anyway, until I lose weight, feel free to rub my buddha belly for good luck, because it certainly stands out now that I have a flat chest :) But that is okay, because when I put on a t-shirt, I love what I see.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Gynecological Pre-Op Appointment
I had my pre-op with my gynecologist first thing this morning. It went really well. I think my doctor is a total rock star and I trust her 110%, and I told her this. It feels so good to feel so secure and safe about my surgeon!
She fully intends to perform the surgery laproscopically, but we discussed the multitude of reasons as to why she would have to open me up abdominally. She would love to keep both of my ovaries in me but knows that one may be destroyed by the endometrioma and that she may have to remove it. The worst case scenario is that she would have to remove both ovaries but she does not think this is likely. Endometriosis can spread to other organs, so she will have to check my bladder, bowel, appendix, etc. and would make repairs if necessary.
She hopes that if I have the surgery done laproscopically that I can go home that evening, but if it is done abdominally I will have to stay in the hospital for 2 days. So I will go prepared to stay when I leave the house Tuesday morning, and hopefully that will mean that I don't have to stay!
I am having the hysterectomy first since it is medically necessary, and I emphasized how important it is that the chest surgery happen. She said it is highly unlikely that anything would keep the chest surgery from happening. The most likely reason would be excessive bleeding, but she has no intention of letting her part of the surgery get to that. I feel more confident that I don't have to worry about the chest surgery not happening, but I won't be able to rest until I wake up from surgery and feel my bandaged chest.
I may have to get some more bloodwork on Monday to check my clotting factors, but that is no big deal and I will be at the hospital anyway because I have my final pre-op appointment with my chest surgeon on Monday afternoon. The anesthesiologist will be calling me Monday evening to ask me questions and discuss his/her part of the surgery. I definitely have a set of questions for this doctor and will voice my fear of waking up during surgery and of being aware of the surgery. If I don't voice these concerns it will nag at me for sure!
My mom arrives late tomorrow morning, and I am very excited to see her. She is coming to the LA Pride parade on Sunday -- it will be her first Pride experience! I have a very long day ahead of me today as my department prepares for the Pride festival and parade. It has been a very long week! I work tomorrow evening and most of Sunday. Monday I have my pre-op appointment and a massage and some resting and relaxation to do. Tuesday is the big day, and right now I feel like it won't come soon enough!
She fully intends to perform the surgery laproscopically, but we discussed the multitude of reasons as to why she would have to open me up abdominally. She would love to keep both of my ovaries in me but knows that one may be destroyed by the endometrioma and that she may have to remove it. The worst case scenario is that she would have to remove both ovaries but she does not think this is likely. Endometriosis can spread to other organs, so she will have to check my bladder, bowel, appendix, etc. and would make repairs if necessary.
She hopes that if I have the surgery done laproscopically that I can go home that evening, but if it is done abdominally I will have to stay in the hospital for 2 days. So I will go prepared to stay when I leave the house Tuesday morning, and hopefully that will mean that I don't have to stay!
I am having the hysterectomy first since it is medically necessary, and I emphasized how important it is that the chest surgery happen. She said it is highly unlikely that anything would keep the chest surgery from happening. The most likely reason would be excessive bleeding, but she has no intention of letting her part of the surgery get to that. I feel more confident that I don't have to worry about the chest surgery not happening, but I won't be able to rest until I wake up from surgery and feel my bandaged chest.
I may have to get some more bloodwork on Monday to check my clotting factors, but that is no big deal and I will be at the hospital anyway because I have my final pre-op appointment with my chest surgeon on Monday afternoon. The anesthesiologist will be calling me Monday evening to ask me questions and discuss his/her part of the surgery. I definitely have a set of questions for this doctor and will voice my fear of waking up during surgery and of being aware of the surgery. If I don't voice these concerns it will nag at me for sure!
My mom arrives late tomorrow morning, and I am very excited to see her. She is coming to the LA Pride parade on Sunday -- it will be her first Pride experience! I have a very long day ahead of me today as my department prepares for the Pride festival and parade. It has been a very long week! I work tomorrow evening and most of Sunday. Monday I have my pre-op appointment and a massage and some resting and relaxation to do. Tuesday is the big day, and right now I feel like it won't come soon enough!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
The Verdict
I'm keeping my nipples. Well, actually, they are being cut off, resized and then grafted on to my new, flat chest. But I'm keeping them.
I am SO glad that my surgeon wanted me to come in for a face to face consultation. She now has a clear understanding of what I want from chest surgery and I have a clear understanding about technique and other specifics. This was a half hour well spent for both of us.
She had initially been considering doing what is called a pedicle procedure where the nipple/areola is kept attached to breast tissue on a pedicle of tissue, and then that is brought back together with the breast. This is common for women who undergo breast reduction, but in their cases they are keeping and want to be keeping breast tissue. What my surgeon is going to do is remove all breast tissue (YAY!) and graft the resized nipple/areola onto my chest. She totally understands that I am going for total flatness, and she completely respects this desire. She is confident that the grafted tissue will survive and that I will have a great looking chest post-op.
One of the biggest reasons I was considering not keeping my nipples was because I feared not being flat enough. So if I can keep my nipples and be totally flat, I'm into that. I think I am indifferent about my nipples, but when push comes to shove, I prefer having a natural looking chest, which to me means having nipples. My surgeon likened it to people who have hernia surgery. Often times it would be easier for the surgeon to take away the bellybutton, but they make every attempt to keep it and even to create a fake one so as to achieve a natural look. She said that people sometimes don't realize how attached they are to their bellybuttons, nipples and other parts until they are gone. I'm not saying that it is unnatural not to have nipples. I just prefer that my chest look natural, and all my life since puberty and growing breasts, I have visualized a flat chest with small nipples -- a man's chest if you will -- in my mind. If my nipples don't survive -- oh well! I just won't have nipples. But like I've said before, I only have one shot to do this, and this is how I'm choosing to do it. My surgeon said she is not looking at me on the gender spectrum, she is looking at me as a human being who will have a natural looking chest.
The grafted tissue will be stitched back on and will be pretty gross for a few weeks as the stitches heal and the tissue returns to a normal color. So there will be a lot of care involved in the healing of not just the large incisions but also of the nipple/areola area. I told my surgeon that if making larger incisions will mean better results that I am fine with that, and she said that is good information to know. Having scars does not scare me at all, and I'd rather have slightly bigger scars if it means better results. She also said that a lot of skin will be removed, and excess skin is usually what causes excess fluid to build up, so I will hopefully be able to get my drains out after about a week. She thinks that she can contour my chest so that it maintains a nice shape when I lose weight, which I fully plan on doing once I am healed and am able to start exercising.
I feel really great about my appointment. I brought a list of questions with me, and all questions were answered. She even answered some questions that I hadn't had a chance to ask yet! I feel confident that I am making the right decision and that the chest that I have post-op will be the one I have been dreaming of since the 4th grade when I first started growing breasts.
One funny thing about my appointment is that the whole time I stood and sat topless, and my surgeon rarely was making eye contact with me. She was talking to my breasts. It was so hilarious. I could literally see her artist's mind working and making notes. She probably knows exactly what my chest will look like already. She tried to make eye contact with me, but my breasts -- her future work -- were too powerful I guess :)
I thanked her before I left for using the informed consent approach to this surgery. Trans related surgeries and hormone treatments are usually governed by the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care, which basically means an individual needs a gatekeeper -- usually a therapist -- to acquire hormones and surgeries. The therapist has to write a letter saying they believe the person has Gender Identity Disorder and that surgery and/or hormones are necessary. My surgeon only required that I understand what I am doing and that I have thought it through thoroughly. I have a therapist, and believe me, she and I have discussed this through and through. But why should I as a well informed, healthy adult have to have someone else give me permission to do something to my own body?! I am thrilled that my surgeon and I have the relationship that we have around this and that she respects my decision to augment my breasts. True, I am totally removing them, but why would someone have to have a therapist's letter to remove their breasts and not have to have one to make their breasts a DDDD?!
That will be my nightmare the night before surgery -- that I wake up from surgery having had implants put in rather than having had my breasts removed. That is a truly frightening thought!
While I was at the hospital today I went ahead and paid the out of pocket charges for the chest surgery. That sure made it feel real! Money well spent is all I can say :) I am preregistered for my surgeries and have paid the out of pocket fees, so all I have to do is show up Tuesday morning, check in, probably have to sign this and that and then get some of those happy drugs that will make me forget all of my fears and anxieties, and before I know it I'll be post-op. I can't wait!
I am SO glad that my surgeon wanted me to come in for a face to face consultation. She now has a clear understanding of what I want from chest surgery and I have a clear understanding about technique and other specifics. This was a half hour well spent for both of us.
She had initially been considering doing what is called a pedicle procedure where the nipple/areola is kept attached to breast tissue on a pedicle of tissue, and then that is brought back together with the breast. This is common for women who undergo breast reduction, but in their cases they are keeping and want to be keeping breast tissue. What my surgeon is going to do is remove all breast tissue (YAY!) and graft the resized nipple/areola onto my chest. She totally understands that I am going for total flatness, and she completely respects this desire. She is confident that the grafted tissue will survive and that I will have a great looking chest post-op.
One of the biggest reasons I was considering not keeping my nipples was because I feared not being flat enough. So if I can keep my nipples and be totally flat, I'm into that. I think I am indifferent about my nipples, but when push comes to shove, I prefer having a natural looking chest, which to me means having nipples. My surgeon likened it to people who have hernia surgery. Often times it would be easier for the surgeon to take away the bellybutton, but they make every attempt to keep it and even to create a fake one so as to achieve a natural look. She said that people sometimes don't realize how attached they are to their bellybuttons, nipples and other parts until they are gone. I'm not saying that it is unnatural not to have nipples. I just prefer that my chest look natural, and all my life since puberty and growing breasts, I have visualized a flat chest with small nipples -- a man's chest if you will -- in my mind. If my nipples don't survive -- oh well! I just won't have nipples. But like I've said before, I only have one shot to do this, and this is how I'm choosing to do it. My surgeon said she is not looking at me on the gender spectrum, she is looking at me as a human being who will have a natural looking chest.
The grafted tissue will be stitched back on and will be pretty gross for a few weeks as the stitches heal and the tissue returns to a normal color. So there will be a lot of care involved in the healing of not just the large incisions but also of the nipple/areola area. I told my surgeon that if making larger incisions will mean better results that I am fine with that, and she said that is good information to know. Having scars does not scare me at all, and I'd rather have slightly bigger scars if it means better results. She also said that a lot of skin will be removed, and excess skin is usually what causes excess fluid to build up, so I will hopefully be able to get my drains out after about a week. She thinks that she can contour my chest so that it maintains a nice shape when I lose weight, which I fully plan on doing once I am healed and am able to start exercising.
I feel really great about my appointment. I brought a list of questions with me, and all questions were answered. She even answered some questions that I hadn't had a chance to ask yet! I feel confident that I am making the right decision and that the chest that I have post-op will be the one I have been dreaming of since the 4th grade when I first started growing breasts.
One funny thing about my appointment is that the whole time I stood and sat topless, and my surgeon rarely was making eye contact with me. She was talking to my breasts. It was so hilarious. I could literally see her artist's mind working and making notes. She probably knows exactly what my chest will look like already. She tried to make eye contact with me, but my breasts -- her future work -- were too powerful I guess :)
I thanked her before I left for using the informed consent approach to this surgery. Trans related surgeries and hormone treatments are usually governed by the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care, which basically means an individual needs a gatekeeper -- usually a therapist -- to acquire hormones and surgeries. The therapist has to write a letter saying they believe the person has Gender Identity Disorder and that surgery and/or hormones are necessary. My surgeon only required that I understand what I am doing and that I have thought it through thoroughly. I have a therapist, and believe me, she and I have discussed this through and through. But why should I as a well informed, healthy adult have to have someone else give me permission to do something to my own body?! I am thrilled that my surgeon and I have the relationship that we have around this and that she respects my decision to augment my breasts. True, I am totally removing them, but why would someone have to have a therapist's letter to remove their breasts and not have to have one to make their breasts a DDDD?!
That will be my nightmare the night before surgery -- that I wake up from surgery having had implants put in rather than having had my breasts removed. That is a truly frightening thought!
While I was at the hospital today I went ahead and paid the out of pocket charges for the chest surgery. That sure made it feel real! Money well spent is all I can say :) I am preregistered for my surgeries and have paid the out of pocket fees, so all I have to do is show up Tuesday morning, check in, probably have to sign this and that and then get some of those happy drugs that will make me forget all of my fears and anxieties, and before I know it I'll be post-op. I can't wait!
Monday, June 8, 2009
Pre-Op Week Has Begun
This morning I went in for my first pre-op appointment. This appointment was for my pre-op bloodwork. The tests are time sensitive so my results should already be to my doctor. No news is good news! I will feel less anxious once I know that everything came back normal and that bloodwork won't postpone my surgeries.
My pre pre-op appointment with my chest surgeon was moved from Thursday to Wednesday, and I am happy about that. It is one less day I have to wait to discuss the nipple situation and other details with my surgeon. I assume she will tell me then what the results of my bloodwork are, and I assume that if something were wrong they would contact me tomorrow.
Friday morning is my pre-op appointment with my gynecologist. I am looking forward to that as well. I have a list of 10 different questions for both my chest surgeon and my gynecologist. I would love to reach a decision with my doctor on Friday as to what kind of hysterectomy I am having, but being the good doctor that she is, she will probably really want to wait until surgery day when we're in the OR to make the decision. She will want to do the least invasive procedure possible that will give the best results.
One thing my wife and I are concerned about is the fact that I'm having my surgeries at a religious hospital. My wife is my power of attorney, and we worry based on past experiences that the hospital could give her trouble about making decisions for and about me since we are a same sex couple. Even though we are legally married in the state of California, people are still homophobic and bigoted, and we are preparing ourselves for the worst case scenario. I am giving my Advanced Health Care Directive to both of my surgeons as well as to the hospital, which should more than cover the bases. But we are considering bringing our actual marriage license with us to the hospital in case anyone challenges Rachel. It is disgusting that we even have to be worrying about this, but we have had problems at hospitals in the past, so we have to be prepared.
Time sure is flying by, though. The weekend came and went quickly, and my Monday work day has come to a close. I spent the afternoon painting and spray painting sign handles for the LA Pride parade, and I managed to get more of the white on myself than I did on the handles. Four more days of work plus LA Pride this weekend and it will be time for surgery! The rest of this week should fly by, and I will be so busy this weekend with my mom arriving and with Pride happening that it will surely fly by as well. My wife and I will pick up Mom from the airport late Saturday morning and then spend the afternoon with her. I have to work at 5pm Saturday and basically all day Sunday. Monday I have a massage scheduled, my pre-op appointment with my chest surgeon and hopefully a therapy session. It would be really nice to touch base with my therapist before the big day, because who knows when I will be up to seeing her again once I'm post-op.
My clear liquid diet starts Sunday morning. It will not be at all convenient since I'll be out at the Pride parade and festival all day, but I'll make it work. Monday I just want to go to my appointments, rest, do some laundry and pack for the hospital and maybe go to a knit store or two with my mom. I've been having such a hard time sleeping, I laugh at the idea of trying to sleep the night before surgery. But who knows -- I just might sleep like a baby that night. I need to focus more on trying to get some good R & R between now and then or I'm doomed!
The reality that I am one week away from surgery is sort of setting in. I keep saying to people that I know I'm going to get my ass kicked in a week. I believe and understand that intellectually, but emotionally I don't think I'm processing it. I am excited beyond words that I will be having a life changing surgery in one short week. I've been preparing logistically for months. I am as ready as I can be in that respect, but what about my spirit and emotions? I had a dream last night that I was at the hospital getting ready for surgery and they were preparing to begin surgery without giving me anesthesia. This is clearly connected to a fear I have of being half awake or of waking up during surgery. I spoke to my therapist today about my fears. One of my biggest fears is that I'm not processing the reality that I am having two major surgeries and will have one major recovery and that it will hit me as I'm being wheeled into the OR. I worry that I will be panic stricken and afraid the moments before surgery. I just want to feel peaceful and grateful that it is finally happening. It's hard to deal with reality when I am so unbelievably excited. The excitement seems to be keeping me from experiencing healthy fears now. I just have to believe that it will all happen the way it's supposed to happen, and in due time.
My pre pre-op appointment with my chest surgeon was moved from Thursday to Wednesday, and I am happy about that. It is one less day I have to wait to discuss the nipple situation and other details with my surgeon. I assume she will tell me then what the results of my bloodwork are, and I assume that if something were wrong they would contact me tomorrow.
Friday morning is my pre-op appointment with my gynecologist. I am looking forward to that as well. I have a list of 10 different questions for both my chest surgeon and my gynecologist. I would love to reach a decision with my doctor on Friday as to what kind of hysterectomy I am having, but being the good doctor that she is, she will probably really want to wait until surgery day when we're in the OR to make the decision. She will want to do the least invasive procedure possible that will give the best results.
One thing my wife and I are concerned about is the fact that I'm having my surgeries at a religious hospital. My wife is my power of attorney, and we worry based on past experiences that the hospital could give her trouble about making decisions for and about me since we are a same sex couple. Even though we are legally married in the state of California, people are still homophobic and bigoted, and we are preparing ourselves for the worst case scenario. I am giving my Advanced Health Care Directive to both of my surgeons as well as to the hospital, which should more than cover the bases. But we are considering bringing our actual marriage license with us to the hospital in case anyone challenges Rachel. It is disgusting that we even have to be worrying about this, but we have had problems at hospitals in the past, so we have to be prepared.
Time sure is flying by, though. The weekend came and went quickly, and my Monday work day has come to a close. I spent the afternoon painting and spray painting sign handles for the LA Pride parade, and I managed to get more of the white on myself than I did on the handles. Four more days of work plus LA Pride this weekend and it will be time for surgery! The rest of this week should fly by, and I will be so busy this weekend with my mom arriving and with Pride happening that it will surely fly by as well. My wife and I will pick up Mom from the airport late Saturday morning and then spend the afternoon with her. I have to work at 5pm Saturday and basically all day Sunday. Monday I have a massage scheduled, my pre-op appointment with my chest surgeon and hopefully a therapy session. It would be really nice to touch base with my therapist before the big day, because who knows when I will be up to seeing her again once I'm post-op.
My clear liquid diet starts Sunday morning. It will not be at all convenient since I'll be out at the Pride parade and festival all day, but I'll make it work. Monday I just want to go to my appointments, rest, do some laundry and pack for the hospital and maybe go to a knit store or two with my mom. I've been having such a hard time sleeping, I laugh at the idea of trying to sleep the night before surgery. But who knows -- I just might sleep like a baby that night. I need to focus more on trying to get some good R & R between now and then or I'm doomed!
The reality that I am one week away from surgery is sort of setting in. I keep saying to people that I know I'm going to get my ass kicked in a week. I believe and understand that intellectually, but emotionally I don't think I'm processing it. I am excited beyond words that I will be having a life changing surgery in one short week. I've been preparing logistically for months. I am as ready as I can be in that respect, but what about my spirit and emotions? I had a dream last night that I was at the hospital getting ready for surgery and they were preparing to begin surgery without giving me anesthesia. This is clearly connected to a fear I have of being half awake or of waking up during surgery. I spoke to my therapist today about my fears. One of my biggest fears is that I'm not processing the reality that I am having two major surgeries and will have one major recovery and that it will hit me as I'm being wheeled into the OR. I worry that I will be panic stricken and afraid the moments before surgery. I just want to feel peaceful and grateful that it is finally happening. It's hard to deal with reality when I am so unbelievably excited. The excitement seems to be keeping me from experiencing healthy fears now. I just have to believe that it will all happen the way it's supposed to happen, and in due time.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Nipple Pros & Cons
Let me preface this by saying that I never, ever make pros/cons lists. Ever.
Cons for keeping my nipples:
1. Even with all of the breast tissue removed, there is still a 3-5% chance that I could develop breast cancer if I keep my nipples.
2. My nipples could die, meaning they would scab up and gradually flake off.
3. My nipples could look unnatural.
4. My nipples could be slightly uneven which would drive me bonkers!
Pros for keeping my nipples:
1. I would look "normal."*
*as a dear friend recently told me, there is nothing normal about me, so "normal" is off the table.
Well, it looks like, according to my pros/cons list, I have reached a decision. I will go into my pre pre-op appointment with the intention of not keeping my nipples.
I actually feel a little bit better having written down what's been in my head. I will sit with it until next Thursday and see how it feels. The worst case scenario is that I end up changing my mind.
Cons for keeping my nipples:
1. Even with all of the breast tissue removed, there is still a 3-5% chance that I could develop breast cancer if I keep my nipples.
2. My nipples could die, meaning they would scab up and gradually flake off.
3. My nipples could look unnatural.
4. My nipples could be slightly uneven which would drive me bonkers!
Pros for keeping my nipples:
1. I would look "normal."*
*as a dear friend recently told me, there is nothing normal about me, so "normal" is off the table.
Well, it looks like, according to my pros/cons list, I have reached a decision. I will go into my pre pre-op appointment with the intention of not keeping my nipples.
I actually feel a little bit better having written down what's been in my head. I will sit with it until next Thursday and see how it feels. The worst case scenario is that I end up changing my mind.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
12 Days, 15 Hours and 35 Minutes Until Surgery
I'm not usually the type to count hours, but I was curious. At least I didn't count seconds!
I continue to calm down which is a good thing. With the help of an increase in one of my medications, I was able to sleep last night but unfortunately I had a bit of a medication hangover this morning and felt groggy for half of the day. That's just something I will have to put up with for the next 13 nights, because getting sleep feels far more important to me than most things at this point. If I'm not well rested I won't be in optimal shape going into surgery, and I want to go in under the best conditions and circumstances.
This morning my chest surgeon's secretary called me to schedule what she called a pre pre-op appointment for a week from tomorrow. I have been emailing my surgeon quite a bit with questions and different options, and she decided that she should see me before my official pre-op. I feel really good about this and am thrilled that she thinks we need to have a face to face conversation. That says to me that she understands how important all of this is and wants us to together make the best decisions. We will thoroughly discuss nipples or no nipples and all things related, and the good thing is that after making a decision I will still have 3 days to sit with it. If I need to change my mind before my pre-op I will have the time. I think, though, that I am still leaning towards no nipples, but I will be open to what she has to say next week and weigh the options carefully. I would like my decision next week to be final so I can enjoy LA Pride weekend and not be worrying about the details. I will still see my surgeon the day before surgery so she can mark up my chest with marker and go over last minute details.
It's hard to believe that I only have 7 days of work left until I go on leave. There's a lot to be done in those 7 days, so I know they will fly by. I complain a lot that the older I get, the quicker time seems to pass. I regularly long for the days of childhood when days lasted forever and it felt like I would never turn another year older. Now a day passes effortlessly and my next birthday comes sooner than it seems it should. A big part of me hates that I am so eager for time to pass by. I am trying to be productive and live life fully during this time, but sometimes it feels like I'm trying to make time go by faster just so I can reach the big day sooner. I have been pretty all consumed by surgery and the details and logistics of it, and I know I have neglected other responsibilities.
I can't help but think to myself that I have been wasting this time, but I know deep down inside that this is not true. I have learned and grown A LOT these past few months, and as painful as it has been at times to wait, it has been the exact amount of time that I've needed to learn and grow. All I can do after surgery is get on with my life and live life to the fullest. I will be a new person, and I have high expectations for myself. High but not unreasonable, and there is a big difference. Something has to eventually push me into action and pull me away from my dreams and fantasies, and maybe this will be it. I hope for the best, and I wait patiently.
22 minutes have passed, so I'm that much closer. Hmm...not very patient of me, but I'll keep trying.
I continue to calm down which is a good thing. With the help of an increase in one of my medications, I was able to sleep last night but unfortunately I had a bit of a medication hangover this morning and felt groggy for half of the day. That's just something I will have to put up with for the next 13 nights, because getting sleep feels far more important to me than most things at this point. If I'm not well rested I won't be in optimal shape going into surgery, and I want to go in under the best conditions and circumstances.
This morning my chest surgeon's secretary called me to schedule what she called a pre pre-op appointment for a week from tomorrow. I have been emailing my surgeon quite a bit with questions and different options, and she decided that she should see me before my official pre-op. I feel really good about this and am thrilled that she thinks we need to have a face to face conversation. That says to me that she understands how important all of this is and wants us to together make the best decisions. We will thoroughly discuss nipples or no nipples and all things related, and the good thing is that after making a decision I will still have 3 days to sit with it. If I need to change my mind before my pre-op I will have the time. I think, though, that I am still leaning towards no nipples, but I will be open to what she has to say next week and weigh the options carefully. I would like my decision next week to be final so I can enjoy LA Pride weekend and not be worrying about the details. I will still see my surgeon the day before surgery so she can mark up my chest with marker and go over last minute details.
It's hard to believe that I only have 7 days of work left until I go on leave. There's a lot to be done in those 7 days, so I know they will fly by. I complain a lot that the older I get, the quicker time seems to pass. I regularly long for the days of childhood when days lasted forever and it felt like I would never turn another year older. Now a day passes effortlessly and my next birthday comes sooner than it seems it should. A big part of me hates that I am so eager for time to pass by. I am trying to be productive and live life fully during this time, but sometimes it feels like I'm trying to make time go by faster just so I can reach the big day sooner. I have been pretty all consumed by surgery and the details and logistics of it, and I know I have neglected other responsibilities.
I can't help but think to myself that I have been wasting this time, but I know deep down inside that this is not true. I have learned and grown A LOT these past few months, and as painful as it has been at times to wait, it has been the exact amount of time that I've needed to learn and grow. All I can do after surgery is get on with my life and live life to the fullest. I will be a new person, and I have high expectations for myself. High but not unreasonable, and there is a big difference. Something has to eventually push me into action and pull me away from my dreams and fantasies, and maybe this will be it. I hope for the best, and I wait patiently.
22 minutes have passed, so I'm that much closer. Hmm...not very patient of me, but I'll keep trying.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Not Sleeping Well
I laid in bed awake for several hours last night, and when my Blackberry rang a little before 6am this morning I was unable to go back to sleep. That means I got less than 5 hours of sleep last night. And I didn't get a lot of sleep over the weekend. I lay awake unable to fall asleep at night, and while I seem to sleep well once I finally fall asleep, I am easily awoken and am unable to fall back asleep once this happens.
Back in late February I was having a terrible bought of insomnia. I was averaging a few hours of sleep a night, and this went on for several weeks. It was miserable. My latest pattern is starting to remind me a lot of that time period.
Not sleeping 2 weeks pre-op is far from ideal. While I know I'll have plenty of time to rest post-op, I want to go into surgery well rested, healthy and with a strong immune system. Sleep is essential for those things to happen. I'm not usually one to run to my psychiatrist begging for more meds, but in this case I am acting out of the ordinary. I left a message for her last night telling her that sleep is an issue and that I want to discuss increasing or adding some meds. I'd rather nip this in the bud than risk falling into insomnia again. And at this point I'd prefer feeling tired and drugged in the morning if it at least means that I'm sleeping easily and well at night.
While it is kind of enjoyable to be awake at 6am and be able to take my time having coffee, breakfast and getting ready for work, I wish it could happen under better conditions. I've never been a morning person -- ask anyone who knows me -- so there is something kind of nice about being up and at em. But I would prefer to have gotten a good nights sleep first.
If anyone has any tips on how to quiet the mind and relax at night and how to nurture a good nights sleep, please leave a comment.
Boker tov! (good morning in Hebrew)
Back in late February I was having a terrible bought of insomnia. I was averaging a few hours of sleep a night, and this went on for several weeks. It was miserable. My latest pattern is starting to remind me a lot of that time period.
Not sleeping 2 weeks pre-op is far from ideal. While I know I'll have plenty of time to rest post-op, I want to go into surgery well rested, healthy and with a strong immune system. Sleep is essential for those things to happen. I'm not usually one to run to my psychiatrist begging for more meds, but in this case I am acting out of the ordinary. I left a message for her last night telling her that sleep is an issue and that I want to discuss increasing or adding some meds. I'd rather nip this in the bud than risk falling into insomnia again. And at this point I'd prefer feeling tired and drugged in the morning if it at least means that I'm sleeping easily and well at night.
While it is kind of enjoyable to be awake at 6am and be able to take my time having coffee, breakfast and getting ready for work, I wish it could happen under better conditions. I've never been a morning person -- ask anyone who knows me -- so there is something kind of nice about being up and at em. But I would prefer to have gotten a good nights sleep first.
If anyone has any tips on how to quiet the mind and relax at night and how to nurture a good nights sleep, please leave a comment.
Boker tov! (good morning in Hebrew)
Monday, June 1, 2009
The Month Has Arrived
I couldn't go to bed without writing that today is day 1 of THE MONTH! June has finally arrived and as I try my hardest to feel sleepy, I can't help but think that I have 15 nights of sleep and 14 days until I wake up bright and early and go to the hospital for surgery. It is within reach and it feels so good.
I have calmed down a bit from my earlier post. I think I have written and talked about my nipples enough that I am less freaked out about it. I think I know what I am going to do, but I need to sleep on it a night or two to be sure. It feels good to have my perspective (mostly) back. All I can do is make the most of the next 15 nights and 14 days.
I have calmed down a bit from my earlier post. I think I have written and talked about my nipples enough that I am less freaked out about it. I think I know what I am going to do, but I need to sleep on it a night or two to be sure. It feels good to have my perspective (mostly) back. All I can do is make the most of the next 15 nights and 14 days.
Totally Neurotic
So just to lay it out there from the start, you're about to read about nipples -- specifically, my nipples and what to do with them.
I wrote last week that I am not going to keep my nipples because of the fear that it would mean keeping more breast tissue than I am comfortable with and because it would compromise my desire for a flat chest. I felt pretty okay with that decision. I emailed Dr. Salomonson and told her the decision I had reached and how I had reached it. Last night I lay in bed -- this seems to be becoming a dangerous past time -- totally questioning this decision.
I heard back from Dr. Salomonson via email a little bit ago. Her response made me even more unsure of my decision not to keep my nipples. Her response read: "I support your decision, but really think we have nothing to lose by attempting to save your nipples. This has worked in patients having complete mastectomies for cancer so I will not compromise your goals by preserving too much tissue since I know what your priorities are. If the nipples do not survive, the tissue becomes a scab and gradually flakes off."
This was a very straightforward response. She apparently understands and will honor my desire for a completely flat chest. This means a lot to me. She believes that by keeping the nipple I can still have the flat chest that I desire. I know that mastectomy patients lose pretty much every bit of tissue, so I know that equates to flat in my case, which is good. My sister told me that she heard that is the new wave with breast cancer patients. I will say, though, that the idea of the nipple tissue becoming a scab and gradually flaking off is not exactly desirable. That is the part that scares me the most. It's like I need to know ahead of time if my nipples are going to survive or not, because if they're not I'd rather just lose them in surgery.
One of the things I was doubting last night was how secure I feel in not having nipples and looking "normal." Some people would say that I won't look normal post-op because I will be a female bodied person with no breasts. I of course think that I will look more normal than I've ever looked, scars and all. I just don't know how important keeping my nipples is to me, and I have no idea how to decide!
I am mind fucking this to death, and this is not something I want to do. I feel like I am 2 weeks away from surgery, I need to just go ahead and decide and live with it. But I wrote last week that I know I have time to decide and change my mind and still have the time to sit with a new decision, and it appears that this is what is happening. One of my online trans friends told me "I love it how transpeople are totally changing/redesigning how we see bodies. Surgery is a really personal thing -- you should definitely push for the results that you want" when I shared with him my initial thoughts about not keeping my nipples.
I see my body flat chested, but do I see it with or without nipples? My body is my temple, but what do I really want my temple to look like? Do I want a flat chest with nipples and no tattoos, do I want a flat chest with no nipples and tattoos or do I want a flat chest with nipples and tattoos? Why is this such a difficult decision? I happen to love tattoos and want more, so the thought of tattooing my chest is quite exciting. I promised my wife that I would not get any more tattoos that are visible to others, so that means getting tattoos on my back and chest. But it's not about the tattoos.
My chiropractor/spiritual healer tells me not to believe everything that I think. My question is how do I know what to believe and how do I know what not to believe? My ability to not be in touch with my gut feeling and second guessing everything I do makes it really difficult to decide what is worth believing and doing something about and what I need to just ignore. I know I shouldn't believe everything I think, but I also know I have to believe some things. What will help me decide?
I'm not looking at the past for guidance. The past is what I want to move away from. I'm supposed to stay present and grounded in today, but when I have to make a decision that affects the future, how do you do that? Will the answer just come to me? Maybe. And I really believe that meditation can work in that way. But I have to be able to quiet my mind long enough to hear my inner feelings and intuition, and this is what I'm having problems with the most. I have a job that allows me to think a lot, which is a problem. My excitement about surgery has been keeping me awake at night and waking me up early in the morning. Great -- more time to think! Just what I don't need! I have no other details to focus on. My nipples are it. Everything has been checked off of a carefully constructed list. I want to be able to check this one off of my master list, but this one is proving to not be so easy.
Do I want to preserve my nipples and have a "normal" looking chest? Do I care about having a "normal" looking chest? Do I care if my nipples become a scab and flake off?
I want to believe that any answer to any of these questions would be the right one. That I will be happy with or without nipples, that I won't be grossed out if my nipples scab up and flake off. And I think I am right about that. I'm quite a resilient person, ,and I can pretty much handle anything that comes my way. I am not afraid of surgery or of recovery. On the contrary I am ready to take it head on. But I guess I am afraid of making a decision, even though I think I can handle any consequence of that decision. I want nothing more than to go into surgery knowing exactly what is going to happen. But I know that this isn't possible. I have no idea at this point what kind of hysterectomy I am going to have, and I may not know until I wake up. This bothers me a great deal. I want to be able to make a decision for the sake of making a decision so that I can stop thinking about it. I want to know the fate of my nipples for each option, tell the doctor how I want her to proceed and to stop thinking about it.
What I need to do is fly to Tibet, hang out with the monks in a monastery in the wilderness and have someone teach me once and for all how to quiet my mind long enough to hear my inner voice speak. Even though I know I can handle anything, I dread making the "wrong" decision now. If I decide to keep my nipples and they end up dying, I will deal with it. But how do I decide whether or not to keep my nipples.
I'm pretty sure I'm back where I started. Coming full circle is good about some things, but not about making a decision. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get centered and grounded and hear and trust my intuition, please leave a comment or send me an email. I need all the help I can get right now.
To nipple or not to nipple. That is the question.
I wrote last week that I am not going to keep my nipples because of the fear that it would mean keeping more breast tissue than I am comfortable with and because it would compromise my desire for a flat chest. I felt pretty okay with that decision. I emailed Dr. Salomonson and told her the decision I had reached and how I had reached it. Last night I lay in bed -- this seems to be becoming a dangerous past time -- totally questioning this decision.
I heard back from Dr. Salomonson via email a little bit ago. Her response made me even more unsure of my decision not to keep my nipples. Her response read: "I support your decision, but really think we have nothing to lose by attempting to save your nipples. This has worked in patients having complete mastectomies for cancer so I will not compromise your goals by preserving too much tissue since I know what your priorities are. If the nipples do not survive, the tissue becomes a scab and gradually flakes off."
This was a very straightforward response. She apparently understands and will honor my desire for a completely flat chest. This means a lot to me. She believes that by keeping the nipple I can still have the flat chest that I desire. I know that mastectomy patients lose pretty much every bit of tissue, so I know that equates to flat in my case, which is good. My sister told me that she heard that is the new wave with breast cancer patients. I will say, though, that the idea of the nipple tissue becoming a scab and gradually flaking off is not exactly desirable. That is the part that scares me the most. It's like I need to know ahead of time if my nipples are going to survive or not, because if they're not I'd rather just lose them in surgery.
One of the things I was doubting last night was how secure I feel in not having nipples and looking "normal." Some people would say that I won't look normal post-op because I will be a female bodied person with no breasts. I of course think that I will look more normal than I've ever looked, scars and all. I just don't know how important keeping my nipples is to me, and I have no idea how to decide!
I am mind fucking this to death, and this is not something I want to do. I feel like I am 2 weeks away from surgery, I need to just go ahead and decide and live with it. But I wrote last week that I know I have time to decide and change my mind and still have the time to sit with a new decision, and it appears that this is what is happening. One of my online trans friends told me "I love it how transpeople are totally changing/redesigning how we see bodies. Surgery is a really personal thing -- you should definitely push for the results that you want" when I shared with him my initial thoughts about not keeping my nipples.
I see my body flat chested, but do I see it with or without nipples? My body is my temple, but what do I really want my temple to look like? Do I want a flat chest with nipples and no tattoos, do I want a flat chest with no nipples and tattoos or do I want a flat chest with nipples and tattoos? Why is this such a difficult decision? I happen to love tattoos and want more, so the thought of tattooing my chest is quite exciting. I promised my wife that I would not get any more tattoos that are visible to others, so that means getting tattoos on my back and chest. But it's not about the tattoos.
My chiropractor/spiritual healer tells me not to believe everything that I think. My question is how do I know what to believe and how do I know what not to believe? My ability to not be in touch with my gut feeling and second guessing everything I do makes it really difficult to decide what is worth believing and doing something about and what I need to just ignore. I know I shouldn't believe everything I think, but I also know I have to believe some things. What will help me decide?
I'm not looking at the past for guidance. The past is what I want to move away from. I'm supposed to stay present and grounded in today, but when I have to make a decision that affects the future, how do you do that? Will the answer just come to me? Maybe. And I really believe that meditation can work in that way. But I have to be able to quiet my mind long enough to hear my inner feelings and intuition, and this is what I'm having problems with the most. I have a job that allows me to think a lot, which is a problem. My excitement about surgery has been keeping me awake at night and waking me up early in the morning. Great -- more time to think! Just what I don't need! I have no other details to focus on. My nipples are it. Everything has been checked off of a carefully constructed list. I want to be able to check this one off of my master list, but this one is proving to not be so easy.
Do I want to preserve my nipples and have a "normal" looking chest? Do I care about having a "normal" looking chest? Do I care if my nipples become a scab and flake off?
I want to believe that any answer to any of these questions would be the right one. That I will be happy with or without nipples, that I won't be grossed out if my nipples scab up and flake off. And I think I am right about that. I'm quite a resilient person, ,and I can pretty much handle anything that comes my way. I am not afraid of surgery or of recovery. On the contrary I am ready to take it head on. But I guess I am afraid of making a decision, even though I think I can handle any consequence of that decision. I want nothing more than to go into surgery knowing exactly what is going to happen. But I know that this isn't possible. I have no idea at this point what kind of hysterectomy I am going to have, and I may not know until I wake up. This bothers me a great deal. I want to be able to make a decision for the sake of making a decision so that I can stop thinking about it. I want to know the fate of my nipples for each option, tell the doctor how I want her to proceed and to stop thinking about it.
What I need to do is fly to Tibet, hang out with the monks in a monastery in the wilderness and have someone teach me once and for all how to quiet my mind long enough to hear my inner voice speak. Even though I know I can handle anything, I dread making the "wrong" decision now. If I decide to keep my nipples and they end up dying, I will deal with it. But how do I decide whether or not to keep my nipples.
I'm pretty sure I'm back where I started. Coming full circle is good about some things, but not about making a decision. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get centered and grounded and hear and trust my intuition, please leave a comment or send me an email. I need all the help I can get right now.
To nipple or not to nipple. That is the question.
Friday, May 29, 2009
The Best Birthday Ever
Today is my birthday -- I'm 32 years old. I'm thrilled to be another year older, at least for now. I feel like life experience has aged me more than my actual age in years, so turning another year older brings a little more balance and equilibrium to my life. My age in years feels a little more in check with the age of my soul and spirit.
Not until a few people commented in their birthday wishes to me about the wonderful next year I am creating for myself did I think about my surgeries being a birthday present to myself. I have many new and exciting changes that have recently occurred and that are in the works. I came out to myself, came out to my wife, family and friends, created an online community for myself, worked hard in therapy and am happier than I've ever been because of these things. And I have made surgery possible for myself so that I can be even happier. Birthdays, or any annual milestone or holiday for that matter, are a chance to start over, to begin anew and to pledge to create for yourself a better life, a happier existence and a more meaningful journey. I am determined not to waste this chance at rebirth. There are so many wonderful things ahead of me, so many inspiring and happy moments awaiting me. I need to hold onto this energy and use it to live my life as fully and intentionally as possible. This journey is good and right, and I am honored and humbled to be living it.
On a few more practical notes, I have figured out all the financial details pertaining to insurance and out of pocket expenses, so that is a huge relief. I received a wonderful gift from my wife's grandmother yesterday -- a soft, zip up robe that I can wear post-op. It will definitely come in handy. And I have figured out the remaining logistical details regarding my hematological problems. I finally got a hold of someone from my hematologists office. They are working with their home care pharmacy to arrange my anti-coagulant injections. I will be sent the medication and syringes by an outside pharmacy. It is being arranged that a home health care aid will come to our home the day after surgery and teach my wife and mom to administer the injections. The doctor's office will know if I have to stay in the hospital, and if this is the case they will cancel the home aid and I will instead be shown how to do it while I'm in the hospital. I faxed them my new insurance information, so as far as I know, they are arranging all the details and I no longer have to worry about it. The financial details and the hematologist details are to my knowledge the last remaining details that needed attention. I'm sure something else will pop up in the next few weeks, but I'll be ready for it.
I have a really strong gut feeling that I am going to have an abdominal hysterectomy. I don't know why, and I really don't want it to be the case, but I'm afraid it will be. Maybe I am just preparing myself mentally for the worst case scenario. And maybe I will wake up from surgery with a pleasant surprise of having had laproscopic surgery. But I just have this feeling.... There's nothing I can do to influence it one way or the other, so I might as well be prepared for the worst.
I am 18 days away from surgery and counting. It's kind of cool that today is my birthday and I am 18 days away from surgery. Today is a day when I celebrate being given life and living the life I was given to the fullest. And today the number 18 is a relevant number in my life. In Judaism, the number 18 is equated to the concept of life. So on this day, my birthday, I am both celebrating the life I was blessed with while being 18 days from being reborn. What a wonderful position to be in! L'chaim -- to life!
Not until a few people commented in their birthday wishes to me about the wonderful next year I am creating for myself did I think about my surgeries being a birthday present to myself. I have many new and exciting changes that have recently occurred and that are in the works. I came out to myself, came out to my wife, family and friends, created an online community for myself, worked hard in therapy and am happier than I've ever been because of these things. And I have made surgery possible for myself so that I can be even happier. Birthdays, or any annual milestone or holiday for that matter, are a chance to start over, to begin anew and to pledge to create for yourself a better life, a happier existence and a more meaningful journey. I am determined not to waste this chance at rebirth. There are so many wonderful things ahead of me, so many inspiring and happy moments awaiting me. I need to hold onto this energy and use it to live my life as fully and intentionally as possible. This journey is good and right, and I am honored and humbled to be living it.
On a few more practical notes, I have figured out all the financial details pertaining to insurance and out of pocket expenses, so that is a huge relief. I received a wonderful gift from my wife's grandmother yesterday -- a soft, zip up robe that I can wear post-op. It will definitely come in handy. And I have figured out the remaining logistical details regarding my hematological problems. I finally got a hold of someone from my hematologists office. They are working with their home care pharmacy to arrange my anti-coagulant injections. I will be sent the medication and syringes by an outside pharmacy. It is being arranged that a home health care aid will come to our home the day after surgery and teach my wife and mom to administer the injections. The doctor's office will know if I have to stay in the hospital, and if this is the case they will cancel the home aid and I will instead be shown how to do it while I'm in the hospital. I faxed them my new insurance information, so as far as I know, they are arranging all the details and I no longer have to worry about it. The financial details and the hematologist details are to my knowledge the last remaining details that needed attention. I'm sure something else will pop up in the next few weeks, but I'll be ready for it.
I have a really strong gut feeling that I am going to have an abdominal hysterectomy. I don't know why, and I really don't want it to be the case, but I'm afraid it will be. Maybe I am just preparing myself mentally for the worst case scenario. And maybe I will wake up from surgery with a pleasant surprise of having had laproscopic surgery. But I just have this feeling.... There's nothing I can do to influence it one way or the other, so I might as well be prepared for the worst.
I am 18 days away from surgery and counting. It's kind of cool that today is my birthday and I am 18 days away from surgery. Today is a day when I celebrate being given life and living the life I was given to the fullest. And today the number 18 is a relevant number in my life. In Judaism, the number 18 is equated to the concept of life. So on this day, my birthday, I am both celebrating the life I was blessed with while being 18 days from being reborn. What a wonderful position to be in! L'chaim -- to life!
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